Tim “Ripper” Owens Says Donald Trump “Might be the Ass that America Needs”

  • Axl Rosenberg

Last week, at the first presidential debate, Donald Trump admitted to tax evasion and rooting for the housing crisis, endorsed stop and frisk, and used phrases like “they talk good” and “a very against police judge.” How anyone watched that shit and still thought they might vote for him is so far beyond my comprehension it may as well be a Psyopus song. I get it: you don’t like Hillary Clinton. But if you vote for Trump by default (or don’t vote at all), you’re not just cutting off your nose to spite your face, you’re cutting off your lips, eyelids, and ears, too.

One dude who is apparently considering mutilating himself for the sake of avoiding a new President Clinton is Tim “Ripper” Owens. Owens was asked about the election during a recent press conference in Mexico City, and, unfortunately, because Rob Halford hasn’t said anything about Trump in public yet, Owens had nothing to mimic. Therefore, he was forced to come up with something on his own. And what he came up with was this:

“Well, unfortunately, with the state of America right now, everybody’s looking for somebody different, you know — somebody who will not be afraid to say something, to voice their opinion. Even though Donald Trump’s an ass, he might be the ass that America needs, because Hillary Clinton sure isn’t. Unfortunately, it’s Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. How could that even happen? But I’m not a Democrat and I’m not a Republican; I’m in the middle. And for my way of life, and being a businessman, I couldn’t have Hillary Clinton in there; that’s the problem. The way they tax people, I couldn’t do it.”

Most of that statement is moronic (good luck getting Trump to ease your tax burden, pal). But to Owens’ credit, he’s not outright endorsing Trump — he even went on to say that the two candidates are “both really bad.”

Still… I just can’t wrap my head around anyone seeing Donald Trump as an acceptable option. It’s like you have to choose a cab driver, and one has terrible body odor and drives like a maniac, but the other one was born without hands or feet or eyes, and there are people out there going, “I dunno, maybe the blind dude with no hands or feet can pull it off?” Sure, anything’s possible, but he’s more than likely going to crash the car.

Then again, “Ripper” Owens is an expert at joining a long-standing institution despite a lack of experience and then wrecking that institution, so maybe he just feels like Trump is a kindred spirit.


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