The Seventh Almost-Annual “Run MetalSucks for a Day” Contest: Finalists (Finally) Announced!!!
We done fucked up. We launched our seventh almost-annual “Run MetalSucks for a Day” contest back in October, promising that finalists would be chosen later that same month for a November takeover date.
Obviously, that didn’t happen. Our apologies.
But we’ve FINALLY picked finalists, and we’re ready now to proceed. The new takeover date will be Saturday, January 14. The winner must hand in all of his or her stories by Thursday, January 12 to be readied for publication.
As has been the case with every year, we had a whole lotta great entries, but we’ve narrowed ‘em down to six finalists who made us laugh the hardest with their answer to the question “Why does MetalSucks suck?”. The finalists are, in alphabetical order: Ag a Dog Doo, Dead1, Grizzly, Jen, Saroxat, and ShredFlanders.
What happens next is up to you guys! First, read all the finalists’ entries; then, anytime between now and midnight EST on Tuesday, December 27, vote for who you think should take over MetalSucks for a day. We’ll announce the winner the following day, and then that winner will have two full weeks to prepare for their day doing our job for us.
The voting ballot and the finalists’ entries are below… good luck to all the finalists!!!
Ag a Dog Doo
Metalsucks sucks because it has demonstrated an extraordinary, unbelievable bias towards poseurs and things the RIAA dredged up in an effort to hide real metal away in a sea of sound-alike. Nu-metal and glam are so not what the thing Sabbath invented in 1970 is about that their mere continued existence shames us all. On a better world, it would be forbidden to mention them at all. People who made them would become unpeople.
By contrast, the coverage given to real metal acts like Cathedral, Bolt-Thrower, Carcass et al (really, if I wanted to list every band that plays the real thing, I would crash every browser in the world) is minimal. Blink and you will miss it. Look up the names of real metal acts if you do not believe me. Cathedral calling it a day? No direct story about it at all, just mentions in passing. And even when you deign to give coverage to the real thing, your coverage is clearly written by an asshole who clearly would not know the real thing if it crawled up his asshole and exploded. As example, quoting the review of My DyING BRIDE’s latest abortion: “Emo ain’t got nothing on this pain.”. Really? How’s about discussing the fact that the last time My DyING BRIDE made an album where you could not fukk around and think you were psychic because you predicted every chord days before listening was fifteen years ago?
My review of the next My DyING BRIDE disc will likely begin with the following:
I am ashamed, ASHAMED, of the fact that people used to be unable to converse with me for ten minutes without hearing this band’s name.
That is how you write good doom metal journalism. By making it personal, and really letting loose with how your experiences of the damned thing make you feel. Not by telling us blandly how this or that group of glam poseurs and Ratt wannabes are apparently upset about not getting enough money.
My proposed first (and likely last) article for this shit-show would be five bands I can think of off the top of my head that most readers are unlikely to have heard of, and why that is a bad thing. I have seen five bands in my own fair city that I can name that I wish every person who thinks they are “into metuhl!” would get a two-hour blast in the ears from. Then we will know what their cred is like. I could write it as a “bands you have not heard of yet, and are a shit-ton better than the ones you have heard of”. I could devote an entire article to why Sadistik Exekution are the best band that I wish had an army of imitators.
In other words, I would start writing articles that might be helpful to people who are new to the whole idea and need to know where to learn what it is really all about, as opposed to what the RIAA wants them to think it is all about.
In short, vote me because I will write memorable shit and regardless of who I will piss off, I will do my damnedest to make it memorable.
Why you suck:
1. Bad knowledge of metal.
2. Too Social Justice Warrior.
3. Too hypocritical
4. You’re tabloid/pop culture style which makes mountains out of molehills.
5. Basically you’re scene bullies.
What you do well:
1. Let me troll your page.
MetalSucks sucks because it fucking sucks. There you go.
If I win I’ll put up a post asking Derek/Godless Angel to come back and take over MetalSucks for a week. That doesn’t break your rule because he would run MetalSucks for a totally different event, not “Run MetalSucks For A Day.” I guess doing that would contradict the name of the site because it would then no longer suck.
I’ll also post some YouBoob links for cool Dio songs, and every gun review video by hickok45.
I would also post pictures of tits, excluding Tim Lambesis’ of course.
After that I’ll post some Megadeth and Iron Maiden songs. And after that, Uriah Heep, Death Angel, Motorhead, AC/DC.
The next post–more tits. You can never go wrong by posting tits on a heavy metal site.
I’ll also compile a bunch of posts from around the net in an attempt to solve that ancient question deep at the heart of society: “30-06 or 8mm Mauser?”
I think I’ll posts pictures of classic Eastern Block firearms from the Cold War.
After that, songs by Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, Death, Morbid Angel.
Then–you guessed it, more tits. It should be mentioned that at all times no tits will be posted which are not attached to a natural redhead or natural blond.
Next, I’ll post a bunch of videos by non-metal types that many other metalheads like. Dvorak, Bach, Brahms, ZZ Top, Rush, Yes, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Carter Family, and medieval music performed by groups associated with Jordi Savall.
Finally, the last post will be an open thread troll post. It will be a really big picture of some awesome tits and the comments section will be totally open. The troll post which gets the most upvotes wins a signed picture of Axl himself.
MetalSucksSucks because none of you are very pretty. I, however, am extremely pretty.
There are also too many tiny errors that would slip by your standard spell-check that build up and undermine the credibility of your writing/editing team (using “the” twice in a row, wrong form of “their/there/they’re”, homophones). Also, the person who came up with the idea for video reviews should be slapped. Very ineffective.
Normally I would just say ‘you suck so bad, it’s in the title,’ but I have a few valid reasons.
1) You know those pages on facebook that link to shitty stories like “what she does next is incredible?” That’s this outlet – granted, with slightly better scrolling through pages.
2) I was misled by more than few articles (ie, Amazon IS selling a bunch of metal for discounted prices, but only on digital formats.
3) You guys follow Pantera drama like they’re fucking Kardashians
4) I get enough bullshit about the terrible political climate by just existing. I don’t care what a Trump metal album would be like.
5) If you and everyone else could not lap up whatever Corey Taylor says, that’d be great.
ShredFlanders here. Some of you all know me from Metalinjection. I didn’t come here to talk shit on Metalsucks. Better grammar would be nice, and I really don’t give a shit about Corey Taylor’s opinion on gun control or used tampons or whatever drivel he says that MS posts about. This is about more than that. This is about bringing Metalsucks’ best day yet to the table. I am the one true Thrash God. I headbang so hard my doctor said I have the strongest neck muscles he’s ever seen. He calls it “Brock Lesnar Neck.” I also won a talent show by playing all 3 November Rain solo’s on guitar.
I’ve actually been preparing for this.. Here’s what some of my content would contain.
– What happens when I go on a 24 hour crack binge(masterbation involved)
– The Time I met Chad Kroeger
– My Metallica story
– Paul Waggoner Flipping out on a fan on a message board(it’s as amazing as you’d think)
– Shitting my pants at school
– An Arousing LSD Dolphin Experience
Plus I have a thing or two to say about metal and music as well, and of course. I want you all to be part of my experience. If I am chosen I will give you an email address where any of you can email me an article, and I will ensure that it appears on this website and to your credit. Because I will not be running Metalsucks for a day. WE WILL! This is the internet, and we will not hold back or disappoint. We will make sure Metalsucks is as informative as it is disgusting. Our content will be amazing and this will go down in history as Metalsucks’ greatest day.
I’m not here to be boring. I’m not here to only talk about metal. I’m here for you all. Great reading on metalsucks.com should be a right and not a privilege. November 5th we will not be clickbaited. By the time I am done here, you will not only bow to me as your one true Thrash God, but you’ll also call to me a friend.