Esquire Just Showed You How to Wear a Band Shirt like a Fragile Douche with Too Much Money


It’s easy to look on band shirts as a nostalgic part of your wardrobe if you’re a jaded schmuck who bases their concept of maturity on ads for watches. This explains why Esquire felt the need to run this piece verbally rimming Ethan Hawke* for wearing a £275 Patti Smith shirt.

“But how does a hesher like me learn to live according to the Esquire rules of grown-up rock n’ roll style?” you’re wondering. I’m glad you asked.

The rules are simple. First, have more money than sense. Spend as much money on a band shirt as any reasonable person would on screen-printing 75 band shirts. Settle for a safe-school musical artist that only thirteen-year-olds and menopausal uncles talk about: your Dylans, your Bowies, or indeed Miss Smith. You might know every lyric by a band who actually meant something to you, but remember that real adult men are desperately scared of what others might think of them. A jacket and pants that look like any other jacket and pants on Earth complete the ensemble.

But most importantly, actually pretend to like the artist you’re promoting, but not too much, because then men who aspire to being Pete from The League might laugh at you for caring about something. Finally, forget how to use Google and mention a Ramones song named “Hey Ho” while giving cred to the same asshole cultural gatekeepers who would shit all over you for talking about a Ramones song named “Hey Ho.”

And, voila! You’ve meet Esquire‘s standards for a grown-up rocker! You are now free to refer to that Brooklyn club as “the Vitus” and answer any mention of a band you’ve ever met in person with, “Great dudes. Real gentlemen.” Enjoy compensating!

*No shade on you, Ethan, all you did was wear an outfit, and you ruled in Sinister. But if you like Patti Smith, maybe check out Chelsea Wolfe or Mutoid Man. You might dig ’em.

There, that’s better.

Metal Sucks Greatest Hits