Enlarge

Necessary Roughness, Week 8: Season Halfway Assessments

0

Feels good to be back sitting on my ass for 11 straight hours in front of the TV after a super fun tour. I always TRY to watch whatever I can on the road, but more often than not, it’s just impossible without a Sunday off. We’re about halfway through the regular season, so I guess now’s as good a time as any to take a look at each division and see where everyone stands.

AFC East

Patriots (8-0): They were supposed to have a difficult schedule, weren’t they? I don’t know who can beat this defense. Nick Chubb showed that they can be run on, but there is no hope against their secondary and the offense is just good enough to walk away with points on damn near every drive. Mohammed Sanu is going to be the Super Bowl MVP, take it to the bank.

Bills (5-2): I’ve been shitting on these Bills for like four years as frauds and clowns, but it seems like they finally have their shit together! Looks like the Bills and whoever takes second in the AFC South will be the wild cards since the rest of the AFC cannot post a winning record.

Jets (1-6): Jets be Jetsin’ – 32nd in both total and passing yards per game, 31st in points per game and rushing yards per game. Jesus.

Dolphins (0-6): Somehow the team openly tanking the season isn’t the worst team in the league? Can’t wait for tonight’s matchup with the 2-4 Steelers…

AFC North

Ravens (5-2): Lamar Jackson is absurd. He’s had some ups and downs while passing, but John Harbaugh has crafted an amazing offense suited to his strengths and assuming he doesn’t get RG3’d, he will always be appointment television. It’s like the early Michael Vick days!


Steelers (2-4): Wow, without their starting QB and after letting generational talents walk/demand to be traded… they suck! Who woulda thought? I guess AB would have self-immolated anywhere he was at some point, but Le’Veon Bell would probably still be a pro bowler on any team but the Jets.

Browns (2-5): Despite the final score and overall Brownsiness of their play this week, Cleveland showed some promise in actually defeating the Pats by just ramming Nick Chubb down their throats. Unfortunately for them and everyone else, three turnovers on three consecutive plays to start the game doomed them. OBJ is nowhere to be found, the line looks like ass and Baker just sucks? Does that about cover it for the Browns this season?

Bengals (0-8): Is this the worst team in the league? I think so.

AFC South

Colts (5-2): Jacoby Brisset and Teddy Bridgewater have to be the two best QB stories in the NFL. I remember one of my buddies who doesn’t watch football asked me why teams don’t invest in backup QBs… his thing was that if you could, wouldn’t you want two true starters? Of course the salary cap doesn’t allow for that kind of spending, but if you’re savvy enough you can absolutely pull it off.

Texans (5-3): JJ Watt is out for the season for the third time in four years and for once it doesn’t sound like the death knell for the Texans. With Patrick Mahomes sidelined, Deshaun Watson has to be the best QB in the league.

Jaguars (4-4): I’m here for Gardner Minshew and Leonard Fournette. It’s a shame cranky ass Tom Coughlin couldn’t get along with Jalen Ramsey, but I gotta give him credit for turning the disgruntled CB into two first round picks… They might actually fulfill the promise of 2017 by like 2022!

Titans (4-4): Shame about Marcus Mariotta. At least he’ll always have the self-TD to look back on.

AFC West

Chiefs (5-3): The Chiefs ran with the Packers all night last night. Andy Reid is an offensive genius and has proven that even with Matt Moore at the helm, they’re contenders. Still… Mahomes can’t come back soon enough for them.

Raiders (3-4): The Raiders look better than their record. I think John Gruden is actually turning them into something. Imagine if he hadn’t traded their best offensive and defensive players?

Chargers (3-5): Woof… Looks like the window’s closing on old Phillip Rivers’ chance to get a Super Bowl. Here’s an interesting ass video about when they were the best team in the league almost a decade ago.

Broncos (2-6): My only regret over the last three weeks of missing writing this was not being able to share this clip. Troy Aikman lambasted Flacco throughout this game and he was 100% correct for doing so. Flacco in Denver is somehow more lackluster than Cutler in Miami…

NFC East

Cowboys (4-3): As long as they keep beating up on their divisional rivals (and they will!) they’ll get into the playoffs at like 10-6. Then they will be stomped by either the Seahawks or Vikings in the wild card round.

Eagles (4-4): The Eagles are representative of this entire division. Lots of history and all the bravado of a good team, but the results of a middling stuck-in-neutral franchise.

Giants (2-6): My only concern here is that we’re wasting Saquon’s prime. Honestly, wouldn’t mind another top 10 pick though!

Washington (1-7): Garbage franchise owned by garbage person gets garbage results. Change your stupid name already, assholes.

NFC North

Packers (7-1): The Packers have shed the dead weight of their former coach and GM and what do you know? They’re good again! It’s amazing what spending a couple bucks in free agency can do. They still almost lost to Matt Moore, though.

Vikings (6-2): For all the shit he took at the beginning of the season, Kirk Cousins looks like a real QB worth all his guaranteed money! Their line is still a liability, but Dalvin Cook is an absolute monster who takes an awful lot of pressure off the passing game. He’s gonna have 1,000 yards by week 10.

Lions (3-3-1): Another team that is probably much better than their record. With Kerryon Johnson on IR, they’re toast. At least Matt Stafford is gonna put up a billion fantasy points!

Bears (3-4): Jesus, Mitch…

NFC South

Saints (7-1): Teddy Bridgewater is about to get PAID to go start somewhere. Good for him! I’m not sure any team in the NFC is better than the Saints.

Panthers (4-3): It would be the most stereotypical move in Panthers history to sit Cam after he comes back from his injury in favor of Kyle Allen. I wouldn’t put it past them though!

Buccaneers (2-5): I really really like Bruce Arians. I really really dislike Jameis Winston. 2-5 feels right. Shaq Barrett is fucking awesome though!

Falcons (1-7): MATT SCHAUB IS STILL IN THE NFL?!

NFC West

49ers (7-0): Handsome Jimmy dropped a 50 burger on the Panthers. Their the second best running offense in football behind the Ravens, they rank first in both passing and rushing defense in the NFL. Nick Bosa is as good as he is dumb. That’s terrifying.

Seahawks (6-2): I always knew Russell Wilson was good, but I guess I thought his supporting cast did a lot of lifting for him. He is lighting people up with a relatively unknown set of skill players around him. I gotta watch more Seattle games, I don’t think I’ve seen anything but RZC highlights this season.

Rams (5-3): The Rams better hope for a late season Vikings or Seahawks pants-shitting. The NFC Wild Card race is already looking tough. Adding Jalen Ramsey has already helped their defense, but I’m not sure he’s worth TWO first rounders for. They’re basically locked into this lineup for at least the next three years… they better hope they look more like last year’s team in the back half of the season.

Cardinals (3-4-1): Is Kyler Murray any good? I didn’t even bother to watch the Cardinals beat the Giants a week or two ago.

Fantasy Pimp of the Week:

Mike Evans! The most terrifying coin flip in the league. Check out his points totals this season:


  • Do you subscribe to the NFL’s throwback channel? If not, you should… Of course they don’t allow embedding, but here’s the 100 best runs in NFL history. Really good way to kill 30 min. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJdl3Paao2f3ha5JXMYUCIA
  • Hey, remember this last week? Finally some cinematic use of the SkyCam!

I’m hitting the road with Number Twelve again in a few weeks. Offer always stands… if anyone wants to play Magic or try to watch football, hit me up!

Show Comments
Metal Sucks Greatest Hits