Clown From Slipknot Is Hosting a Mask Designing Contest
Slipknot masks are the single most important happening in recorded, and probably unrecorded, history. Easy-to-believe rumors abound that the Chinese created COVID-19 in a lab in order to create a distraction so they could pilfer The Nine’s famous artificial visages; Donald Trump’s bunker is said to be decorated wall-to-wall with replicas of the masks; the plots of Indiana Jones 5 AND National Treasure 3 will reportedly find those movies’ heroes on a quest to obtain molds for the masks.
Little wonder that Slipknot’s own keg beater and sage warrior poet, Shawn “Clown” Crahan, recently told The Fred Minnick Show that the band will never perform withOUT the masks:
“For me, it’s pure religion. It’s my life. And I can’t ever fathom going in so personal because of laziness or stress or just the will to not wanna put it on anymore. I signed the deal we did in the beginning, and there’s just never been any [thought] of anything else. I really couldn’t fathom us any other way.”
“Pure religion” is a perfect way to describe the band’s self-made faces. There may be no such thing as the Holy Grail, the Fountain of Youth, or unicorns, but Slipknot masks do exist for really reals, and that’s all that matters.
This being the case, you will most certainly want to put EVERYTHING in your life aside to focus 110% of your energy on this newly-announced contest to design your own Slipknot mask — not least of all because the contest is being judged by Crahan himself.
So have your phone disconnected; disable your doorbell and board up your windows; put out a few months’ worth of non-perishable food and tell your kids they’re in charge of their own well-being for the foreseeable future. This contest is what you do now. Nothing else matters.