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Tommy Tritone’s Top Ten Metal Albums of 2020

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I didn’t want to make one of these farkakte lists, but my contract with MetalSucks says I only get my bonus if I do (we’ll be amending that in the renegosh, believe you me). So I judged this year’s metal releases by the only standard that matters: sales. In this case, first-week sales, because it was easier for me to research.

Here are pies I wish I had a piece of:

10. The Black Dahlia Murder – Verminous (Metal Blade)

Almost 8,000 equivalent album units sold its first week of release. That’s pretty impressive for a band whose music is about as pleasing to the ear as a lama getting shtupped by a giraffe. They would have done even better if they’d hired me.

9. August Burns Red – Guardians (Fearless)

10,600 album equivalent units in its first week of release. I think one of my grandkids really likes this band. They would have done even better if they’d hired me.

8. Static-X – Project: Regeneration Vol. 1 (Otsego Entertainment Group)

12,500 equivalent album units sold in its first week of release, making it the year’s highest-selling metal album by a dead guy. They would have done even better if they’d hired me.

7. Trivium – The Sin and the Sentence (Roadrunner)

I don’t actually know how many albums this sold the first week, but I know the single did well. The main kid, Matty, I hear he’s been using video games to promote the band, and that’s smart. That’s the kind of forward-thinking marketing this industry needs. And they would have done even better if they’d hired me.

6. Lamb of God – Lamb of God (Epic)

30,000 album equivalent units its first week of release. And people thought this might tank because they changed drummers. Never forget the Lars Law: people only pretend to care about drummers.  And they would have done even better if they’d hired me.

5. Deftones – Ohms (Reprise)

49,000 album equivalent units sold in its first week of release. That’s less than the new Five Finger Death Punch album. I’ve worked with Five Finger Death Punch before, and that should embarrass Deftones. They would have done much better if they’d hired me.

4. Five Finger Death Punch – F8 (Better Noise)

55,000 album equivalent units sold in its first week of release. They would have done better if they’d hired me. They DID do better when they hired me, to the tune of 35,000 more copies. Zoltan. Baby. Call me.

3. Corey Taylor – CMFT (Roadrunner)

I don’t have any sales figures for this one, either, but it’s the kid from Slipknot so I assume it did gangbusters. But it would have done even better if he’d hired me.

2. Metallica – S&M²

56,000 album equivalent units sold in its first week of release, and that’s with NO new songs. Lars could fart into a microphone for an hour and it would go platinum. Phenomenal! But they would have done even better if they’d hired me.

1. AC/DC – PWR/UP (Columbia)

117,000 album equivalent units in its first week of release. In my day, AC/DC sold that many albums in a few hours. Still, I love Angus, he’s made me a lot of money over the years. But they would have done much better if they’d hired me.

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