FUNNY PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN A COPY OF PSYCROPTIC’S OB(SERVANT)!
Thursday, January 8th, 2009 at 6:48pm by Vince Neilstein
Congrats to Steve, the winner of our most recent Funny Photo Caption Contest (which seems like it was forever ago). Steve wins a Knucklebonz 9-inch desktop statue of Dimebag Darrell (pictured here), thanks to our friends at TonesofDeath.com. You know we usually try to take the high road above cheap Gaahl jokes around here… but man, this was just too funny:
“KISS had their army, Gorgoroth has the Gaahl Scouts. They sell the blackest of thin mints.”
A+++++, Steve!
This week we’re giving away a CD copy of Psycroptic’s excellent late-2008 technical death metal masterpiece Ob(Servant). Just comment with a funny caption to the below photo and it shall be yours.
Trick or Treat? Can You give me something Grim to eat?
Ever since “the big news” Gaahl has been hard at work educating the black metal community on the dangers of unprotected intercourse.
Nickelodeon recently green-lighted a new show for Fall 2009 entitled “Mighty Trendy Black Metal Rangers”.
Be brutally honest Mel, do the shoes ruin the effect?
“Early footage from the filming site of Blair Witch Project 2: The Black Kvlt.”
Something didn’t seem right when I first saw this picture…
Look closely…he looks mighty intimidating until you extrapolate his actual height which I figured to be about 3′ 7″…Tool fans, bust out those protractors and check my math for me…and hurry before he attacks my kneecaps!!
All the blackness in the world can’t hide your GAP denim.
Chuck Yeagers? check
Pre-faded levis? check
Hot-topic spiked bracelets? check
face-paint bought at insaneclownposse.com? check
my older brother’s high school graduation robe? check
Br00taly placed upside down carboard cross? check
I’m now officially metal enough to go see Creed on their reunion tour.
Nevermind the douche monkey, who the hell did such a poor job cleaning the yard???
” As you can see, the back injury was really tough on me, but I think with the help of Jenny Craig I can get back in touring shape”. King Diamond comments on his first promo shot for his 2009 Jenny Craig campaign.
“Kelly Osbourne’s all-natural Black-Wiccan child-birthing class is going remarkably well…”
And try out the new: GAAHLCYCLE!
Just mount it – and RIDE!
(Warning, Gaahlcycle is not responsible for your safety using our product, due to loss of patent).
Go Go Black Metal Ranger!!!!!!
“In International news, The Church of Satan just unveiled their new maternity line for Black Metal mothers to be… The br00t@l clothing line has been endorsed by Gaahl, Erik Rutan and Calvin Klein.”
As he ran and approached the site he stood in misbelief and thought to himself, “because of me my comrades are dead.” The Warlock had been 12-hours late for sorcery practice and the subsequent battle against the barbarians; Red Fang.
We now return to Glen Benton: The Early Years…
This past Hanukkah the Metal Sucks Mansion was visited by the “Jew of Retards-past”.
This was Michael Graves original headshot before joining the Misfits. Upon seeing the picture, Jerry only responded with saying, “Yea, that’ll work”.
Due to a last minute trip to wal-mart, King ov Hell had to settle for a youth-large grim reaper costume.
Will Drew Barrymore love me now??
The picture I sent to my Eharmony account.
Yea I’d like some Cheesy Poofs… and maybe some EVIL diet Pepsi.
my true blackness lies beneath the surface.
my arts and crafts smock with the upside down crucifix is so brutal
my painting is also so brutal that it always goes on my face
“Dave the Grim” was going out for a nice night of pillaging one day when he forgot to off his converse and jeans after a game a basketball with his “untr00″ friends. Needless to say, he was punished by having his left leg broken (as you can see it is very awkwardly bent to the side in the picture) with the “BlakkHammer,” wielded by his cult’s leader “Jorgoth Kvltcock.”
Kid Rock has reinvented himself. “Båüwïtdåbåü-då-bång-å-dång…”
This is Gaahl’s son. He wants to be the most kvlt nun that ever resided in Bergen.
Come on, pick a hand, left or right…you guess right you win an autographed picture of the Metalsucks staff…you guess wrong, you get two of em…
“Andy……Matt…….Sharlee….where you goin’….its me King…….don’t listen to that imposter…..he’s jealous…..guys………guys.”
Fuck they didnt fall for it………..what to do, what to do……
“John 5…….Twiggy…….its me Marilyn……………….”
The Death Master and his attempt to find religion.
Too kvlt for everything . . .
except cupcakes and converse
“Hey, does this cross make my penis look small?”
As Dave staggered through the park, he realised he had lost all sight of the 14 year olds he had been drinking cheap cider with, and stood around waiting to get mugged.
INVISIBLE DETHCYCLE!
Henry Winkler decided to go for a different look for the Happy Days reunion.
The reason why black metal people dont cross dress
Welcome to Black Metal Tony’s Mind and Body Workout!
Today’s lesson: power bracelets!
In the later stages of life, King Diamond became a local legend as the “go to” guy for acceptable anti Christian scares during the Halloween season.
You can wear your studs, facepaint and balsa wood inverted-cross as much as you want, but that still doesnt hide the fact that you’re blatantly tying to hold in a turd.
Chuck Taylor decided to dress up for Halloween this year.
En route to seminary school, John Paul’s son got mixed in with the wrong crowd when some cloaked, monk-like figures invited him to the Cataclysm show.
“So I was riding my bike when BAM!!! It hit me. I forgot my Boots of Doom and Gloves of Pain my gym locker.”
[Stud]ed bracelets=$15
Black Cloak=$19.99
Inverted Cross=$11
Face Paint=$6
Making the Gaahlgoroth show on time while still hiding the wet spot on your crotch… Priceless
Anything is possible at the Big K this Spring!
Hurry up and take my picture so as though I make the METALSUCKS funny photo caption contest!
After the Adams Family franchise ran dry, Uncle Fester found a place on the slightly less lucrative side of show business.
Steven had decided it was time to bring a new style of dance to the mosh pit. After realizing everyone within a 50′ radius had moved away from him, he came to the conclusion that the “Pee-Wee Herman Tequila dance” might not have been the best idea.
“All in favor of the new ’secret ritual in the park’ uniforms say ‘Aye’.”
“AYE!”
“The ayes have it. All items can be purchased at your local Johnny Brock’s Dungeon at the individual’s expense… do no bring your receipts back next week, the organization will not reimburse you like you all thought last time. (noises of crowd’s dismay) I mean honestly people there’s no membership fee, it’s not like we ask for donations… quit your bitching. This concludes our meeting for this week. Hail Satan.”
Jimmy, not knowing what fate has in store for him dresses in his “satanic priest” outfit and heads off to the GWAR concert; only to be one of the band’s sacrifices for the night.
No mom, the cross is supposed to be inverted. And it’s for class, it’s a recreation of the Decameron for school. Yes, the spikes are period appropriate.
….what do you mean dad left because of me?
This is Lickalotakiss at his 999 Kiss concert…The reason He stands alone is because its the same outfit he has bin wearing since he dedicated his life to the band.
GROUPIES RULE!
I can ride my bike with no handlebars…no handlebars
Norwegian condom (now with Spikes for enhanced pleasure)
“Dude, i am sooooo not in the klan. you see the BLACK robe and the INVERTED cross? Fuck rascism!”
Casper the friendly ghost, now in puberty, hits an awkwardly rebellious phase.
bowel vacating complete.
Former golf-pro John Daly introduces himself at the new 8 o’clock show at Medieval Times.
“I am the God of HellFire!…oops, I just sharted”
The latest contestant on VH1’s “The Pickup Artist”. That Mystery sure has an eye for fashion!
Dude. Emperor Palpatine is fucking metal!
Have you seen my child? He ran away from home three days ago. Here’s a picture of him. He’s 35 years old and his favorite band is Avenged Sevenfold.
beware ov my nerf spiked bracelets…and…Oh Yeah! Hail Santa!!! oh shit I mean, Satan!
mustaine – “I’ll show em whos, metallore”!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You too can be evil on the blackest of budgets. Our ten easy steps will have you posing with Satan in no time. Here’s how to order!
“when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go”
Converse proudly announces it’s sponsorship of the new Samoth narrated film, “Death March of the Penguins.”
“Quick, capture how metal I am before my mom gets home!”
“Screw you guys, I reckon this is definitely a metal outfit, i’m sooo giving you the Ross Gellar fist bang”
“Seriously, do these braclets make me look fat???”
I made you a kvltcycle, but I eated it.
Unfortunately the Black Metal Church had a shortage of unholy nuns. So we had to use a few priests.
“What do you mean its sunday? Shit i have to go to church today”
Halloween clearance sale at Party City: Black Metal dork outfit.
Where the fuck is the bell on this thing?
*oh yeah, it’s busy with Gaahl…*
In a recent interview, the lead singer Galder, of the band Old Mans Child was quoted as saying… “Despite the slight weight gain, the pro of all you can eat donuts as a result of my new ad campaign with dunkin donuts far out weighs the cons”
“Shit…They didn’t tell me the antichrist was going to be born horizontally.”
Oh fuck, my god dammed cross fell over. Jesus is gonna be pissed. Shit.
The winning comment doesn’t even make sense…if he was actually riding an invisible dethcycle his tunic would be pushed up between his legs…let’s get with the program, huh?
I know the competitions over but oh well haha ..
How two midgets get into a death metal gig.
They’ll be the highlight of the pit.