RUFKM? METALLICA’S MASTER OF PUPPETS
Monday, October 19th, 2009 at 3:30pm by Corey Mitchell
RUFKM? (AKA “Are you fucking kidding me?”) takes a look at stellar metal albums and their douchie one-star Amazon reviews.
First up: Metallica’s Master of Puppets.
Zyke says: “I would say that if you are looking into buying this album, you should also look into sticking your head in the toilet after taking a long, smelly shit.”
Christian Soldier “Welcome to Jesus” prophesied: “Only sissey posers listen to this you girls go hug your teddy strokers.”
Flaming MudKip “Fair and Balanced Critic” proffered: “I say to avoid this album at all costs and get St. Anger. Load and Reload are awesome as well, and if St. Anger is too badazz for you, get those two first to prepare for the ANGER!!!”‘
Do you want to make yourself miserable and depressed? whined: “This music is so grim and morbid it must be heard to believed. Every song is about the same thing–death, suicide, the horrors of war, and so on. Would it kill these guys to lighten up a little? Isn’t life to short to obcess over such depressing things?”
No hysterically added: “I believe that in this day and age, the term ‘genius’ is being used far too loosely. Since when did this apply to 4 would-be-mechanics, whose main artistic feat thus far is breaking the record for smallest pair of pants squeezed into, and most horse-like haircut?”
Rocky IV “metrohillbilly” scrawled: “Metallica is a completely unoriginal, uninspiring, annoying, and overdone 80s cheese rock project more comparable to Whitesnake and Poison than the real hardcore metal groups out there” and also this gem: “The hype behind this group was created back in the eighties by losers my age, mainly hooded ten to thirteen year olds with dreams of being drunks developing a speech impetament. Exactly the way to relate to the lead singer!”
Pantera hater vomited forth: “I have always maintained that THIS album was nothing more then a overpretentious, self-indulgent mastrobation fest. This group gets WAY too much credit for such mediocore cr@p such as this album and ‘Ride The Lightning’. First off all for this P.O.S., you have songs on this pi$$ turkey that are over 8-minutes long, full of pointess solos and souless meandering in a banal attemp from these idiots to sound “complex and intelligent”. These guys are known alcholics, how intelligent can this be?”
Corey Mitchell is a best-selling author of true crime books and founder of In Cold Blog. Join him on Facebook and Twitter.
trolled
You would think more people would pick up on this, but they take these reviews seriously, morons.
One last time, I must say PISSTURKEY.
mastrobation- a new verb.
two weeks and it’s in the dictionary
Who’s Metallica?
I agree with Flaming MudKip , St. Anger is too badazz for me
I’m sure metallica actually gives a shit about these or any review when they are selling out every seat in the house at every fucking tour stop ever.
Fanboy=Fail.
I’m not a “fanboy” of metallica.
Assumption of fanboism = epic fail.
Master of Puppets is a great album, and anyone who denies it is crazy in my opinion or simply doesn’t like Metallica because it’s the “cool thing to do.” That or they don’t listen to metal.
There are a few albums by Metallica that were not up to standard. I’m not saying I like everything they’ve done. There are better bands out there, but Metallica has some great songs.
I can tell however that you ARE a Cannibal Corpse fanboy though.
I do agree MOP is an incredible album, i listen to it constantly. Personaly i give two squirts of piss as to what Metallica thinks, and i can promise you they dont “sell out every seat in the house” anymore. Half of the sonishphere crowd left when they hit the stage and they were the last band on the bill
Furthermore i dislike the band for more reasons than it being”the cool thng to do” and also if you dont like my screen name thats fine, but i dont go wanking around the site sucking off Cannibal saying their the greatest thing since pussy, and they sell out X amount of shows or what not. I know theyre not. You however should kindly remove Lars’s troll penis from your mouth or whatever recepticle its in, and deal with the fact that Metallica, for all intents and purposes…suck.
” …dont go wanking around the site sucking off Cannibal saying their the greatest thing since pussy…”
I fail to see where I did that, can you point it out?
“Half of the sonishphere crowd left when they hit the stage and they were the last band on the bill”
Right, so they still bought the ticket and metallica still go their money? Yep.
There is way too much math going on here. My brain is exploding.
well, flaming mudkip’s review made me fall out of my chair in disbelief/laughter, and rocky IV fucking MISSPELLED impediment. u sure u got such a problem with alcohol rocky? fucking morons, all of them
The internet allows anyone to shit all over any sacred cow without any consequence, which is exactly why the internet is awesome.
the von makes u sound pretentious
I guess ur right
I can’t help it. It’s my real name.
I think it’s a pretty awesome name… makes you sound like royalty. Baron von Nagel!
Believe it or not my grandfather actually IS a baron. Not like it actually means anything these days. I’m still fucking broke and so is my whole family, haha. You can see a video of my grandfather in a link from my newest article talking about the harpsichords he builds. The dude is a total nutcase.
That is beyond awesome. I think if my grandfather was a baron I would mention that every time I introduced myself to someone, just on general principle.
“Hi, I’m Grover. My grandfather is a baron. Kneel, peasant!”
Reminds me of “bagel”
I like the ending of Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back.
This is Dave’s way at getting back at Metallica, he was probably looking at old photos of them while crying over his keyboard
There is at least a 50% chance that one of these reviews is Dave Mustaine.
Great, is this turning in to Blabbermouth, where it is mandatory to mention Mustaine and talk shit about him every time Metallica is brought up?
Even Mustaine couldn’t and probably wouldn’t deny that this album is a pillar of metal history just as Peace Sells is.
Dude, I absolutely love Mustaine’s guitar abilities and his vocal techniques, wasnt talking shit at all…just imagined it and thought it was funny
Yeh! You gotta love the vocal techniques! I’m definitely getting the DVD (Oral techniques of Mustain), thats for sure!
I lol’d at the mental image.
Haha! That was the funniest thing all day!
Someone whose favorite Rocky is Rocky IV would write that shit.
MOP is amazing! Nuff said!!!!!!!!
“…breaking the record for smallest pair of pants squeezed into, and most horse-like haircut?”
He is kind of on to something there.
Dave Mustain has a lot of different Amazon accounts.
laughed till i cried. jesus christ
+1
Fuck ‘em all with fucking no regrets?
wow! lots of ‘Tallica on MS today!!! Love, dude!!
P.S, The Oroblogus is awesome!
Those reviews definately sound like they were written by 13-16 yr olds whose taste for music are in their collective sphincters.
Ill be the first to admit that Metallica need to hang it up. James’s voice is almost painful to hear on record and is even worse live, there’s too many drummers to name that smoke Lars, and im not even gonna start on Mr Dunlop Wah-Hammet. The bands importance/Legacy is secure, however their relevance is waning. The music stopped being timeless about 15 years ago.
However, the afformentioned “music critics” above know not what they speak of.
I agree (kinda). Metallica were my first favorite metal band, and so are very near and dear to my heart, but to say that they’re STILL good…I’d call that a bit of a stretch. They’re originality is waning, and their new releases aren’t “new” or original anymore. They’re mostly a (dare I say it) legacy band now.
As soon as you see a “mupkip” in anyones name, you should just know that a troll attempt shall follow. It’s just Internet law. Don’t take it seriously.
Have you guys not heard of 4chan??? Most of these are just trolls and are not funny.
Please god make this a regular column, epic!
Oh, it will be.
I want it weekly.
Daily!
Hey now let’s not hurt the man.
He’s not a machine, Mike!
just lol
Ought to deliver a swift backhand to these philistine scoundrels! Insult ye not, the gods of metal!
I didn’t see anyone talk about Priest anywhere?
Metallica are not god of metal, don’t you dare disgrace the actual gods with their bullshit.
MOP is a good album, but the guitartone on it sucks major balls. (no not the riffs, the *tone* or sound if you will). And yes it’s a legendary step in music history, that doesn’t make the band a good band perse.
So Flemming Rasmussen is incompetent. I think every one knew that anyway.
Metallica sucks fucking HUGE balls now, but Master is just brilliant in every sense of the term. I hate the fact that 12 year olds are allowed to use the internet.
PISSTURKEY!
These are all douchebag trolls, and Master Of Puppets is a very good album, but I would have to agree that it’s overrated. Crap, no. Amazing, also no. Except for Orion, that’s a great song to smoke weed to.
If “PanteraHater” isn’t actually Ziltoid, then they should get together and make sweet, retarded love. They’re kindred spirits.
I wish Phil anselmo would shave his head again and punch ziltoid in the fucking mouth.
Phil Anselmo isn’t even qualified enough to was my feet, let alone even be within a 50 mile radius of me. Punching is out of the question.
*wash
damn typos
As much as I agree with his general point, his way of expressing it is borderline retarded. I hate him.
I would pay to see an Anselmo vs. Ziltoid battle.
Who knows, though. Maybe Ziltoid is 6′ 6″ and built like Howard Jones. Or even better, he IS Howard Jones.
I also wouldn’t be shocked if he summoned some kind of kvlt spell powers to fend off Anselmo, either.
Ziltoid can’t be Howard Jones, ’cause Ziltoid only loves what’s TROO and KVLT and UNDRGRND, and Killswitch Engage isn’t in any of these categories…
Well at least you understand that much.
Ziltoid can’t be Howard Jones, because Howard is a totally mass chill bro. Doesn’t seem like the type to spend a great deal of time pissing on about obscure bullshit to stroke his wounded ego.
He always struck me as more of a wiry guy. Built like a Fife.
Me as well, but you never know is all I’m saying. He COULD be jacked or be a wizard.
Watch out! He’ll Magic Missile your ass!
Did you ever even think that I might be Chuck Norris?
Maybe I can roundhouse kick your ass back to the time when Chuck Norris jokes were funny and hip.
Chuck Norris is a born-again Christian. He wouldn’t listen to the same grim, kvlt, and tr00 music that you listen to. It was a nice try, though.
If you were Chuck Norris, instead of bitching about bands you’d simply roundhouse kick them out of existence. I’m not buying it.
Has anyone realised that Ziltoid seems to only post when he is called out and when Devin is mentioned. Just saying.
these people all have one thing in common they’re all stupid.
I’m completely speechless
flaming mudkip clearly takes the prize here . funniest thing I’ve ever read. the rest are just typical metallica haters who hate them just because they only listen to bands if their fanbase is smaller than the population of their own hometowns.
i alsoo eat balls for breakfast lunch and dinner. yumm
what are ziltoids thoughts on mastrobation?
It’s not a hobby, it’s a lifestyle.
MAH LIFESTYLE!
DETERMINES MAH DEATHSYLE!
Heh… I do believe this forecasts some sort of David Carradine-esque end for you, amigo.
TICK TICK TOCK
This band is just the most overrated thing on the planet. Only Black Sabbath can compete with them, but I’m not sure.
You are wrong. The most overrated band ever award goes to the beatles…
word. I totallly agree dude
I second that. Especially that cunt Lennon.
Wow. That’s a real original opinion you got there son. Do you want a fucking medal?
And whoever thinks Black Sabbath is overrated isn’t listening to Black Sabbath, and is fucking retarded to boot. You’re on a metal website, dumbass. You think we’d be here if it wasn’t for Sabbath? Get a fucking clue.
or pink floyd…. or nirvana.
Nirvana FTW
stop feeding the troll guys
C-Mitch, why would you bother posting review by Amazon users? Okay, so maybe I gave one of your books high praise in an Amazon review, but that was…um…different.
Sorry, Sammy. I don’t quite get your point. Mainly, I found this shit funny.
Although these ‘reviewers’ are not exactly literary masterminds, MoP is indeed a VERY,VERY overrated album. The songs are pointlessly long, and rely on repitition of very mediocre riffs. Seriously, every song one here is AT LEAST 2-3 minutes too long. This is where Metallica went astray. “Kill em all” and “Ride the Lightning” are both great albums (most likely because Dave Mustaine had a major hand in writing them), but Master of Puppets was a dumbed down attempt at making thrashy pop songs.
Seriously people, get the shit out of your ears…..why are these songs so long ?????
The only saving grace on this album is “Disposable Heroes”..which is also too long
because some listeners have an attention span longer than 3 minutes and thirty seconds.
Ryan- I have a VERY long attention span…VERY. However, in order to justify 7-10 minutes songs , a band needs to keep the song interesting with riffs/transition/bridges/solos etc. Metallica’s Master of Puppets does all of those things…in the first 4 minutes of each song. Then, the band decides to keep playing the SAME SHIT for another 6 minutes. The are simply not competant enough musicians to keep it interesting.
This album is for meatheads, and Im quite sure 99% of Pantera fans love it.
I found your post to be about as useful as a screen door on a battleship. Butthead.
Submarine
Please tell me that you didn’t actually miss my Back To The Future reference… (see the original poster’s name?)
Went right over my head…it’s not easy to keep up with your references man!
Yeah, that’s how I roll.
Don’t Worry i got it! BTTF = best movies ever
“It’s Submarine…you sound like a fool when you say nit wrong.”
I agree with literally everything you said here except for the part about KeA and RtL. Those bore me, but are much mroe tolerable than the rest. We even agree about Disposable Heroes. Easily the ebst song on there, and still too long.
Saying those two albums “bore” you, is pretty much why i wish Phil Anselmo (or any other willing person) would just punch you repeatedly in the mouth.
I dont even know what you look like but im pretty sure i want to just punch you very very very hard.
It’s okay… I’m pretty sure it’s established that Zilty’s musical taste is questionable at best, and his credibility is lacking to say the least.
…and that his head will soon be decorated by many fist-shaped ornaments. Including mine.
And my taste in music and my credibility are perfect. You mere underlings only wish to attain my supreme and infinite supremity in these areas.
You’re a caricature of yourself, you hsould be proud.
RAWR SMASH SOLVING PROBLEMS!!!! RAWR!!!!!!!
Really now, you hsould be mildly more civilized than that. Let the adults do the talking.
I get bored with “kill em all”, but I can make it through all of Ride the Lightning without getting bored (i do skip for whom the bell tolls though)…. then I usually listen to creeping death again before shutting it off.
So, anyways….you wanna make out or something? ;)
There is absolutely nothing that is not right in saying that Master Of Puppets is one of the highest measures of Heavy Metal perfection. It is one of those records that people will talk about and listen to generation after generation after…
That’s right.
23 years later and we’re still taking about it. That speaks volumes.
except the fact that it sucks….
Thanks for posting! Your opinions are valued.
These must be Attack Attack! fan opinions lol.
Of course they are. Crabcore scenster motherfuckers.
You guys must be reeeeeaaaaally running out of shit to post…
well now it is clear that the music critics of tommorow have no clue of what they are talking about here and kids are gonna grow up reading these turds and not making there own opinions…
Oh, did I mention PISSTURKEY?
I have to say– Metallica’s St. Anger is what really drove me into the metal community. Blasphemy? Sure, but we’re all blasphemers here. I mean, I’ve listened to Killswitch Engage, Bullet for my Valentine, All That Remains for years, but about a year ago exactly, “The Unnamed Feeling” drove me right into the metal community.
I find St. Anger, Death Magnetic, Ride the Lightning, and Master of Puppets to be the better half of Metallica’s catalogue. The one in the middle is the Black Album.
Here’s the problem with Metallica. They go for length and song structure rather than anything else. They’re too rigid, and too stubborn about making long songs. That was what was good about their first two albums and the Load/ReLoad albums. They had songs under five minutes. Which you kind of need. On St. Anger, once again, it was repetitive, but the pure chaos that it created? Some people didn’t like that, but it was really, other than Enter Sandman, the first of Metallica I’d heard. But I liked the chaotic element in there.
What makes some of the early work of Metallica unbearable to me is the fact that it’s too pristine, and the tones are all horrible and the lack of bass is even worse. Maybe St. Anger wasn’t good as a Metallica album, but as an actual album itself? It wasn’t too bad at all. Metallica is such a legacy name now though, that if you listen to Load and ReLoad, everyone is all “WTF?,” but think about it. What if it had been a blues rock artist group that wrote those songs? Would the fans have complained then?
The problem is, when it comes to bands as big as Metallica, everyone expects them to have the same kind of sound, with new songs and new life. Thing is, that’s not really possible. That’s when the band changes its style up a bit. And Metallica did that a bunch. Did most people like it? No, but some did, I being one example.
So for everyone who hates on Metallica for being too long, or unoriginal, or just sucky, well, deal with it, because there’s someone who does like what they write, even if it isn’t “tr00″ or “kvlt.”
…I feel violated just typing those horrid leet-esque words.
you are not qualified to watch ziltoid mastrobate over tentacle rape anime porn
MASTER OF SORROW HAS TAKEN MY SIGHT
seriously a slow newsday?
I like how PanteraHater implies that alcoholics can’t make intelligent albums. Listen to much rock music, sonny? Half of the industry are alcoholics. Probably more than half in metal. Read any Hemingway, Poe, Faulkner, Joyce, Kerouac? All known alcoholics. PanteraHater obviously trumps them all in the area of innovative writing. Those “mastrobaters” can’t even “attemp” to be better “then” him.
I didn’t know Gary Suarez reviewed Master of Puppets!
this has to be a joke or they are just retarded
Bless the trolls on Amazon, for they bring us LOLs on a daily basis
“Since when did this apply to 4 would-be-mechanics, whose main artistic feat thus far is breaking the record for smallest pair of pants squeezed into, and most horse-like haircut?”
Ok, that was kind of funny.
Scroll to the bottom of comments… Ignore all comments… pointless arguments… to each his own…
“…prepare for the ANGER”
Yep. Just try and tell me a 12 year old didn’t type that.
You guys should do more humor reviews like this…I so love to read the comments of the dolts that take this seriously. It’s a wonderful morning wake up with my coffee :-)
I miss Revrent
Ziltoid doesn’t do it for me.
Where’d he go, anyway?
Sorry you don’t see the genius of my words. Go back to that Disturbed fan Revrant. He’s a moron.