• Corey Mitchell

RUFKM? METALLICA’S MASTER OF PUPPETSRUFKM? (AKA “Are you fucking kidding me?”) takes a look at stellar metal albums and their douchie one-star Amazon reviews.

First up: Metallica’s Master of Puppets.

Zyke says: “I would say that if you are looking into buying this album, you should also look into sticking your head in the toilet after taking a long, smelly shit.”

Christian Soldier “Welcome to Jesus” prophesied: “Only sissey posers listen to this you girls go hug your teddy strokers.”

Flaming MudKip “Fair and Balanced Critic” proffered: “I say to avoid this album at all costs and get St. Anger. Load and Reload are awesome as well, and if St. Anger is too badazz for you, get those two first to prepare for the ANGER!!!”‘

Do you want to make yourself miserable and depressed? whined: “This music is so grim and morbid it must be heard to believed. Every song is about the same thing–death, suicide, the horrors of war, and so on. Would it kill these guys to lighten up a little? Isn’t life to short to obcess over such depressing things?”

No hysterically added: “I believe that in this day and age, the term ‘genius’ is being used far too loosely. Since when did this apply to 4 would-be-mechanics, whose main artistic feat thus far is breaking the record for smallest pair of pants squeezed into, and most horse-like haircut?”

Rocky IV “metrohillbilly” scrawled: “Metallica is a completely unoriginal, uninspiring, annoying, and overdone 80s cheese rock project more comparable to Whitesnake and Poison than the real hardcore metal groups out there” and also this gem: “The hype behind this group was created back in the eighties by losers my age, mainly hooded ten to thirteen year olds with dreams of being drunks developing a speech impetament. Exactly the way to relate to the lead singer!”

Pantera hater vomited forth: “I have always maintained that THIS album was nothing more then a overpretentious, self-indulgent mastrobation fest. This group gets WAY too much credit for such mediocore cr@p such as this album and ‘Ride The Lightning’. First off all for this P.O.S., you have songs on this pi$$ turkey that are over 8-minutes long, full of pointess solos and souless meandering in a banal attemp from these idiots to sound “complex and intelligent”. These guys are known alcholics, how intelligent can this be?”

Corey Mitchell is a best-selling author of true crime books and founder of In Cold Blog. Join him on Facebook and Twitter.

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