Don’t ask me how I did it. But I managed to snag an in-person interview with Sebastian Bach. I was only given five minutes with him, but, hey, I was willing to take whatever I could get.

I was actually kinda surprised by how friendly he was to me, considering all the terrible things we’ve written about him over the years. But there ya have it.

I can’t believe that this really happened. Read the short but telling transcript of our conversation after the jump.

So as much as I hate to begin this interview on a confrontational note, I have to ask you about something you said in another interview recently. You claimed that Axl Rose “acts the way he acts” because he’s singing in a range in which most vocalists cannot operate, and it takes him an extra-long amount of time to warm-up. But that doesn’t really make any sense; even if it was the legitimate explanation for why he’s perpetually tardy for concerts, it doesn’t explain all the other, uh, let’s say “eccentric” behavior of Mr. Rose. It also begs the question: “Why are we just now hearing about these extensive vocal warm-ups?”

Sebastian Bach: [Muffled noises.]

Excuse me? I didn’t quite catch that, sorry.

[More muffled noises.]

Say again?

[Even more muffled noises.]

Look, I’m really sorry, but is there any way you could take those out of your mouth? It’s really hard for me to understand you…

[Still more muffled noises.]

Huh?

Axl Rose: He’s trying to tell you that he can’t take them out of his mouth. It’s in his contract. He has to keep my nuts in his mouth at all times that neither he nor myself are on-stage, or he doesn’t get to do any more GN’R tours.

Oh. [long pause] Oh. [another long pause] Well, is there any way you could maybe make an exception, just this one time? It’s really hard for me to conduct the interview like this.

Sorry, kid. I don’t make the rules.

Uh… ohhh-kay. Well, Baz, thanks for your time. [to Axl] Nice merkin, by the way.

Thanks!

-AR

LEGAL NOTICE: This is obviously a satire/parody/whatever, and not an actual interview with Sebastian Bach or W. Axl Rose. Misters Bach and Rose, if you’re reading this, please don’t sue us. We’re fairly certain you’d just lose anyway. If there’s one thing we learned from The People Vs. Larry Flynt, it’s that we’re allowed to make fun of you because you’re famous. So pppppfffffttttt.