Now You Can Make Fake Members of Metallica Fake Skateboard!
If you’re like me, you hate actual physical activity, but you love being able to control a virtual person’s virtual physical activity, preferably with a virtual person who looks like someone you admired as a kid, so you can virtually live vicariously through that virtual avatar.
Well, I have some actually good news for you, fellow lazy asshole! Thanks to an expansion pack for Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2, Metallica’s James Hetfield and Robert Trijuillo will soon be unlockable characters in that game (and very poorly rendered ones, if the above screen caps are any indication). Why only Hetfield and Trujillo and not the whole band? I’m totally pulling this out of my ass so take it for the stink nugget of speculation that it is, but I’d wager the game’s developers or a rep for Metallica would assert that it’s because Lars Ulrich and Kirk Hammett can’t skateboard in real life. Which is COMPLETELY FUCKING RIDICULOUS, because this is a video game, not real life. In real life, if I run over a hooker with my car, I have to do a LOT of work to cover it up (trust me, it’s hardly even worth it), but in Grand Theft Auto, I can just drive around a bunch and maybe go hide at home — not even a location where the police would never think to look for me — until the cops forget about my crime. I’m not really sure why anybody gives a shit about video games being representations of real life. I mean, did anyone play Heavy Rain, where you can make the characters piss? WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT?!
But I digress.
The expansion back will be available December 4 via Xbox Live for five bucks. I’d do some research as to why the Playstation Network isn’t getting it, too, but that would take too much work. Let me know when Bob Woodward makes a video game where I can do investigative journalism as Vinnie Paul.