MetalSucks

Congrats to all five winners of last week’s funny photo caption contest. The first three winners listed below will all receive the Heavy Metal Killers vinyl and scarf courtesy of Earache Records, while the last two will receive just a scarf. The winners:

• Zel: “Stacy Wylde, sister to Zakk Wylde, practices the family tradition of putting one’s foot in one’s mouth.”
• Alkahest: “Former Attack Attack! singer’s new glam project seems to be coming along quite nicely.”
• James: “In a failed comeback bid, Marilyn Manson desperately tries to be shocking once again.”
• Jason Crispen: “the origin of swine flu”
• better than ezra: “Having arrived too late for the buffet, ziltoids mom was forced to eat her own foot.”

This week we’re giving away another 10-pack of assorted CDs from Prosthetic Records. Prosthetic has one of the most solid artist rosters in all of metal, so no matter what you get there are bound to be at least a few that you like (I promise it won’t be 10 copies of All That Remains). Come up with a funny caption to the below photo [sent in by "GoatRidersHorde"], and 10 CDs shall be yours.

The winner to last week’s funny photo caption contest was a no-brainer:

Nick Muffins Hochmuth: “I present a new breed of disgrace to humanity… The Joggalo.”

Well done sir! You’ll be receiving a Katatonia prize pack in the mail. This week we’re giving away 5 prize packages courtesy of Earache Records. Three 1st place winners will receive a Heavy Metal Killers compilation vinyl and a Heavy Metal Killers scarf (pictured here). Two runners-up will just receive a scarf. Yup, a scarf. Scarves are metal. They keep you warm! And it’s getting cold out there, kids. No one wants to be that dude at the show wearing shorts when it’s below freezing outside… that dude is such an asshole. Being warm is metal. There’s even a band called Scarve and they’re pretty rad.

So, just come up with a caption to the below photo [sent in by kenneth szidar] and they shall be yours.

We’re giving away free shit! Woo! Today’s grand prize is a 17″ tall desktop figurine of Jack Black’s character from Brutal Legend, from a limited run of only 1,000. Two runners-up will receive one of the two Brutal Legend t-shirts shown above. All you have to do to win is tell us in the comments what you’d do if you had the axe the figurine is holding. MetalInjection and MetalInsider are also running the same contest, so head over to those sites for more chances to win.

Congrats to the winners of last week’s funny photo caption contest, each of whom will receive a dandy Dying Fetus CD in the mail for their troubles. The winning entries:

Harahune: “Mister Nugent was not sure how to react to seeing Mustaine. After all, he had hunted deer and boar but never jackasses.”

Richard Michael Christopher Hall: “Hello me, meet the old me.”

That thar is comedic brilliance. This week we’re giving away one prize package from Katatonia: their new CD Night is the New Day, a hoodie, a t-shirt and a poster. Yowza, that’s a lot of Katatonia swag! Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo, and it’s all yours.

After much deliberation we’ve chosen the winner of our Austrian Death Machine MS Paint contest. We got so many amazing entries… seriously, they’re all great. It’s amazing what you folks can do in MS Paint. But the winning entry, above, was submitted by “WowWee!” a chap who wanted to win so badly he submitted TWELVE different designs. Nice work, dude!

Make sure you check out all of the winning entries in the comments on the contest page.

Tomorrow Austrian Death Machine will release the second single from Double Brutal; the song is called “Who Told You, You Could Eat My Cookies” and it’ll be posted on the band’s MySpace at some point tomorrow.

Mr. O’Grady answered the question “WHICH LIVING COLOUR SONG HAS YOUR FAVORITE VERNON REID GUITAR SOLO?” with a very long, detailed, and well thought-out missive on “Cult of Personality;” for his troubles, he wins a free pair of tickets to tonight’s Living Colour show at the Highline Ballroom here in NYC.

Toxteth tells me he’s never seen LC live before; man, is he in for a treat! Toxteth, if you see us at the show tonight, feel free to buy us a beer. Thanks.

Read Toxteth’s essay-sized answer after the jump.

Click to read more…

Congrats to skoal, the proud new owner of Amon Amarth, Gwar and Ravage CDs from last week’s contest. The winning caption to the photo at right:

“Don’t do it Darth!!!!!! Its the latest plot from Gunface to steal the deathstar!!!!!!!”

MS inside joke for the win! This week we’re giving away two copies of Dying Fetus’ latest CD Descend Into Depravity courtesy the good folks at Relapse Records. Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo [sent in by MS Reader "geddy lee"] and it shall be yours.

Living Colour, one of the best live bands on the planet right now in pretty much any genre, are playing the Highline Ballroom here in NYC tomorrow night, and we just came upon a pair of tickets to give away! We’re gonna make this real simple because we have less than 24 hours to unload these babies, so all you hafta to do to win is:

TELL US WHICH LIVING COLOUR SONG HAS YOUR FAVORITE VERNON REID GUITAR SOLO, AND WHY

We’ll read through all the answers and choose a winner in the morning. The tickets will be at will-call under your name. The only requirement to enter is – duh – that you have to live in NYC, or near NYC, or be willing to get your ass to NYC by 8 pm tomorrow night, when the show starts.

This contest ends on Friday, October 30 at 6 am EST.

The show is nearly sold-out (actually, by the time you read this it might be totally sold-out) and is sure to be killer, so definitely go ahead and give it your best shot! And don’t forget that Living Colour’s awesome new album, The Chair in the Doorway, is out now on Megaforce.

Good luck everyone…

-AR

Time is winding down! You only have until midnight this Saturday, appropriately Halloween day, to submit your best impersonation of Alexi for a chance to win his sick-ass ESP guitar. In case you forgot what the deal was here’s a snippet from the contest page:

Between now and October 31, you’re going to film yourself doing your very best impersonation of Alexi Laiho. What does that mean? Exactly what it sounds like; you’re going to do whatever it takes* to create a video where we can’t tell you apart from Alexi. You can wear a wig, you can adopt Alexi’s stage moves, or anything you want within reason. But to win, you’d better make us laugh, or blow our minds with your ability to be a clone of Alexi. In any case, our panel of judges will watch each video, and the one we deem the coolest will be selected to win an ESP Alexi Laiho Signature Series LTD AL-600 Scythe guitar!

So what are you waiting for? We’ve already got a ton of funny entries. Get to recording and enter the contest!

Between the Buried and Me’s new opus The Great Misdirect is finally out today! To celebrate, we’re holding a contest offering you the chance to win all of the awesome shit you see listed above. That sweet bass alone is worth the time it’s gonna take you to enter the contest, plus you get all that other gear and BTBAM merch.

You know we like to keep it simple and fun around here for our contests. To enter, simply leave a comment (with an email address you regularly check!!) telling us which BTBAM album is your favorite one and why. We won’t judge based on our own personal tastes, but we will judge based on how clever/funny/interesting/whatever your explanation is. So make ‘em good. We’ll pick a winner on Tuesday, December 8th and notify them via email shortly thereafter.

BTBAM have a whole slew of shows planned for the coming months, including this coming winter’s Orgasm Tour w/ Devin Townsend, Cynic and Scale the Summit that we announced earlier today. They also have a series of headline dates this Fall with Veil of Maya and the very excellent Animals as Leaders; full list after the jump.

Click to read more…

The Monkeys are cranky today so let’s make this quick. The winner of last week’s funny photo caption contest and proud new owner of 10 random CDs from Prosthetic Records:

Devin Townsend Sr.: “ALL OUR DICKS COMBINED ARE THIS BIG.”

I actually LOLed at that one. This week we’re giving away a three-pack of CDs from Metal Blade Records: Amon Amarth’s The Avenger (reissue, 2CD Digipak), Ravage’s The End of Tomorrow, and Gwar’s latest, Lust in Space. Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo [sent in by MS reader Pelin] and they’ll be yours.

Congrats to Graham Fahey of Manchester Center, VT for winning our Mastodon Vans contest. His winning entry, why he deserved to win:

“cause i’m starting a shoegazing band.”

Simple but clever. In case you’re wondering, Graham chose the colored low-tops and wears a size 9 mens.

Enjoy, Graham!

All three winners to last week’s funny photo caption contest win a CD copy of The Fall of Troy’s In The Unlikely Event. Last week’s comments were actually quite funny for a change… it was hard to choose just three. The winning entries:

• kayn83: “evidently this black metal fan is not tr00 with the white frosting in all”
• Paul Quinn: “Cool. I always wanted a birthday cake with the Legion of Doom on it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WHAT A RUSH!”
• skoal: “they don’t make power ranger cakes in Norway”

This week we’re giving away one 10-pack of assorted CDs from Prosthetic Records. Prosthetic has one of the most solid artist rosters in all of metal, so no matter what you get there are bound to be at least a few that you like (I promise it won’t be 10 copies of All That Remains). Come up with a funny caption to the below photo, and 10 CDs shall be yours.

We’ve got a pair of tickets for the two-day Smokeout Festival in California next weekend, featuring Slipknot and the Deftones, and we wanna give them away to you. The festival is a celebration of weed culture and music, featuring all sorts of seminars and informational sessions about Marijuana as well as band performances all weekend long. If we weren’t based out of NYC, we’d definitely be there.

Alls you gotta do to win our pair of tickets: tell us which member of Slipknot you’d most like to get high with, and why. Leave a comment below, and be sure you fill in a valid email address in the appropriate field. Winners will be contacted by email this Friday.

You’ve seen ‘em around and you’ve looked at them longingly. Don’t pretend you’re too cool, ’cause you ain’t. They’re Mastodon Vans. You know you’ve wanted them.

We’ve got one pair to give away in any of the four configurations you see above and in your own size. Here’s how you win: tell us why you deserve to have these shoes moreso than any other MetalSucks reader. Be funny and smart, and leave your entry in the comments section below (be sure to fill in a valid email address you check frequently in the appropriate form). We’ll pick a winner next Monday at this time. Good luck!

Congrats to the winners of last week’s funny photo caption contest, each of whom will receive a copy of Revolver’s all-Slayer special edition issue in the mail. The winners and their captions to the photo at right:

• LEGIONS:iron and steel: “Varg Vikernes is exonerated when Euronymous’ real killer is revealed to be Chris Benoit.”
• \m/Eluveitie\m/: “This is why Eyal doesn’t bring up his Navy days in his blog.”
• Insomnivore: “Vinnie Vincent fails to hold onto image rights during talks with Gene’s Lawyer.”
• Skanes: “Juggal’OWNED.”
• Shiggy Shack: “Amidst the raging headlock of death, a young wrestler ponders haikus, quantum physics, and why axe deodorant does not attract women.”

This week we’re giving away three copies of The Fall of Troy’s new CD In The Unlikely Event, which just came out this week. Fall of Troy are an incredibly talented art-metal / post-hardcore band whom we don’t talk about nearly enough on this website. All you need to do to win is come up with a caption to the below photo and enter it (using a valid email address) in the comments section below.

We’re running so many cool contests on MetalSucks right now that we figured it would be a good idea to write them all down in one place so I can keep track of everything as a service to our readers. Here’s what we’re currently running:

• Have some fun drawing your best version of Ahhhnold in MS Paint and win Austrian Death Machine’s entire catalog.
• Impersonate Children of Bodom’s Alexi Laiho on video, win Alexi’s signature model ESP guitar.
• Win Revolver Magazine’s special edition all-SLAYER issue in our weekly funny photo caption contest.

Also, for those keeping score at home, we chose a winner to our Loudpark ticket giveaway; that winner is Ohad Gonen, and his winning entry is posted in its entirety after the jump if you’d like to read it. Go ahead and accuse us of Jew favoritism and you’d be dead wrong half-right.

Click to read more…

Congrats to “wiffle bat” and “soup”, the two proud owners of the brand new Revocation CD Existence is Futile. Their winning captions for the photo at right submitted in last week’s funny photo caption contest:

• wiffle bat: “pardon me while i pass the brains of my bass player.”
• soup: “…one more push for the new Cradle of Filth album.”

This week we’ve got 5 copies of Revolver Magazine’s special all-Slayer edition, which hits newsstands this week: “This unmissable special issue takes you in-depth through the band’s hellacious history, including exclusive new interviews with every group member, an oral history going behind the scenes of their biggest albums and mammoth tours, a vintage Clash of the Titans roundtable interview… and a look inside the artwork of Slayer’s “unholy trinity”—Reign in Blood, South of Heaven, and Seasons in the Abyss—with illustrator Larry Carroll, and guitarist Kerry King reveals some of his favorite shit. On top of this, the issue contains never-before-seen photos and a selection of Slayer-inspired tattoos from their most diehard fans!”

Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo, courtesy of Shelby Cobras of Illogical Contraption.

Don’t lie; we know you’ve grabbed your guitar (or a tennis racket, or a broomstick, or the like) and pretended to rock along with your favorite musicians. Hey, we all play guitar too. We know how it is. Normally, you probably don’t want anyone to see you imagining yourself onstage in front of 50,000 screaming fans. But we’re going to give you a good reason to let the whole world watch.

Between now and October 31, you’re going to film yourself doing your very best impersonation of Children of Bodom’s Alexi Laiho. What does that mean? Exactly what it sounds like; you’re going to do whatever it takes* to create a video where we can’t tell you apart from Alexi. You can wear a wig, you can adopt Alexi’s stage moves, or anything you want within reason. But to win, you’d better make us laugh, or blow our minds with your ability to be a clone of Alexi. Our panel of judges will watch each video, and the one we deem the coolest will be selected to win an ESP Alexi Laiho Signature Series LTD AL-600 Scythe guitar!

Click to read more…

We are in possession of a 2-day ticket to the Loudpark festival in Japan this October 17th and 18th, graciously bestowed on us by MS Maniac Andre M. Pinheiro. Mr. Pinheiro bought the ticket himself only to realize he couldn’t go, and would like to offer it up to the MetalSucks community rather than make a quick buck on the black market. How’s that for generosity? The above image is the actual ticket, with the barcode blacked out to prevent any webernet funny business.

Check out the full festival lineup here: Judas Priest and Slayer are headlining the 1st and 2nd days, respectively; Megadeth, Children of Bodom, Arch Enemy, Anthrax and Lazarus A.D. are just some of the other great bands making an appearance.

All you need to do to win is email news [at] metalsucks.net with LOUDPARK in the subject, telling us why you deserve to win. We’ll choose our favorite entry this Friday. Ideally, whoever wins the ticket either lives in Japan, lives nearby, or has the means to travel there for this festival. Realistically, we can’t ensure the winner satisfies any of the above conditions… so before you try and win this ticket to make a quick buck on it, consider that a real, live person donated it to us, not some company gunning for publicity. It’s called kharma, people.

Alright, go!

- VN & AR