Last week we gave away a bunch more limited edition shirts from The Metal Suckfest designed by Rodney Githens of Vertebrae 33. These five people are gonna super-stoked when their shirts arrive in the mail:

• Autohagios: “The only instance where being black won’t help you be better at sports.”
• Dozer: “Nothing new. The NBA is full of elitists.”
• Sacajawea: “His coach told him to ‘go hard in the paint’.”
• DPE: “Anyone up for a game of Norse?”
• David B.: “The new sport of Casket Ball”

This is Ariella Spector, a self-described MetalSucks reader “hailing from Hollywood and currently living in the Holyland.” Ariel works at a humous restaurant in Tel Aviv and rocks the nifty “Appetite for Deconstruction” MetalSucks t-shirt as she serves up humous and pita daily.

Says Ariel, “I’m actually really impressed with the metal scene here. While I miss seeing bands on a weekly basis there is not a single bar in Hollywood/LA where I can hear good metal (The Rainbow Room does not play good metal). While most people here are into old thrash and black metal, I can still go out on a Monday night and hear Gorod (as per my request), Necrophagist, Anata and a shit ton variety of metal bands. The closest I get back in Hollywood is Poison or Journey. Bottom line, I love being here and sporting my favorite metal site’s shirt.”

Swoon! Thanks for the love, Ariel.

Don’t forget to buy your very own MetalSucks merch right here. More pics of Ariel workin’ that humous after the jump.

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MetalSucks has been given a pair of Van Halen tickets to give away to one lucky reader! The winner of this contest will get to choose which show they’d like to attend (dates here), and we’ll hook it up.

Entering is easy. Simply leave a comment below answering the following question: Which Eddie Van Halen guitar solo is the best of all-time, and why? Remember to fill in your email address in the appropriate form so we can contact the winner, and remember to make your answer as fun and interesting as possible since this ain’t your 6th grade essay exam.

The ultimate irony here is that while one of you and a friend will get to go and see Van Halen live,  Axl and Vince probably will not; they’ll just be home crying. So don’t waste this opportunity! This contest is open to U.S. residents only. Contest ends Monday night, February 6th, at 11:59PM EST.

Lotsa folks entered our Photo Caption Contest last week in which we gave away five t-shirts left over from our inaugural Metal Suckfest. I admit, that photo (at right) is a particularly good one, and fittingly we got a lot of funny captions. Here are my five favorites:

• Dan Braden: “So, who else is excited about that boat sacrifice later? Guys?… what?”
• Sean: “And ‘most smashable’ at the Wormrot show goes to…”
• Buster Keaton: “America’s Goat Talent.”
• SchenkelTown: “To be fair, I pretty much always have my horns up.”
• Crank: “EWEHATEGOD”

This week we’re giving away another five Suckfest t-shirts! These things are seriously sweet — check out this photo. So get crackin’: leave a comment with the funniest caption to the photo below (sent in by reader “Awesome Bill from Dawsonville”). Remember to use a real email address (or post it along with your comment if you’re logged in with your Facebook or Twitter account).

Last week we offered up two MetalSucks hoodies to whoever could come up with the funniest caption to the photo at right. It is most definitely still really fucking cold here in the Northeast (and cold enough in most of the U.S.), so these two folks will get good use out of their hoodies before spring comes along:

• Rise95: “I wish I could win a hoodie in an Internet contest.”
• Sacajewea: “Cold Man’s Child.”

Nice work, fellas. While rooting around at the Axl Annex of the MS Mansion the other day we came upon a box of shirts left over from the inaugural Metal Suckfest this past November. These shirts are really sweet, and there are only a few left — check out a photo of the front right here — and they’re super-limited edition, previously only available at the fest itself. These shirts and all the festival artwork were design by Mr. Vertebrae 33 himself, Rodney Githens. We’ve got FIVE to give away. So do it to it: leave a comment with the funniest caption to the photo below (sent in by reader CF Santos). Remember to use a real email address (or post it along with your comment if you’re using FB Connect / Twitter etc).

Remember those sweet Megadeth lithographs from last week? Here are the four people who won ‘em:

• Gabe: “He packs a 666-shooter.”
• hybridofsteel: “Wanted: corpse painted or alive.”
• Glen N. Bekc: “It’s a birth mark. Fuck you.”
• Steven: “Only you can prevent Church Fires!”

This week I’m giving two MetalSucks hoodies — lucky you! We’re gonna be debuting a new hoodie design soon and we’ve got a few of the old ones left to clear out (reminder: some old t-shirt designs are still available here for only $10). Herpaderpderp: leave a comment with the funniest caption to the photo below (sent in by reader Will Kriss). Remember to use a real email address (or post it along with your comment if you’re using FB Connect / Twitter etc).

Last week Relapse Records gave us two copies of Abysmal Dawn’s reissued album From Ashes to give away in our Photo Caption Contest. The lucky winners are:

• Ben Alden: “Even though Uncle Ted was out on tour this Christmas, the Nugent family still had their best Christmas card yet.”
• Chief: “Oh good, they renewed Sarah Palin’s Alaska.”

This week we’ve got four large, full-color lithographs of the cover artwork from Megadeth’s United Abominations album, beautifully printed on a nice, thick-stock artist paper. The dimensions of the paper are 20″ x 16″, with the printed area measuring 17.5″ x 9.5″. These things are sweet — check out a photo here – and if you win one you’re definitely gonna wanna frame it so I’ll mail it to you in a cylindrical poster shipping tube to keep it fresh. The instructions to enter, in case you somehow don’t know by now: leave a comment with the funniest caption to the photo below (sent in once again by Jason Solomon). Remember to use a real email address (or post it along with your comment if you’re using FB Connect / Twitter etc).

Baking yummy treats in honor of MetalSucks isn’t quite the tack that most of our Show Us Your MetalSucks entrants take, but we’ve gotta hand it to the reader known simply as “dancnuge” for bestowing upon us a little belated holiday cheer; that gingerbread house not only looks badass, it looks fucking delicious. Never have our likenesses been rendered in such a simultaneously bloody and delicious fashion.

For his creative kitchen work, dancnuge will be receiving a package of metal goodies in the mail. Most folks enter our ongoing “Show Us Your MetalSucks” contest by wearing our merch, as can you; we still have a few sizes of our old designs of MetalSucks merch remaining (only $10), and we’ve got a few “Appetite for Deconstructions” shirts left too. Just send your pics to news[at]metalsucks[dot]net and we’ll send free shit to your front door.

If it seems like it’s been forever since our last Photo Caption Contest, that’s ’cause it has. But we didn’t forget about all those signed CD booklets from Roadrunner Records, just kept ‘em nice and safe for ya. Here are the winners:

• Grand Prize – Canea: “To be honest, I try not to show my face at Hooters either.”
• Runner-up – thepenismightier: “Since it would last longer than any of them, they took this picture.”

This week we’ve got two copies of the reissued/remastered version of Abysmal Dawn‘s debut album From Ashes, courtesy of Relapse Records (available for pre-order here). You know the deal: leave a comment with the funniest caption to the photo below (sent in once again by Jason Solomon, who continues to make my job easier). Remember to use a real email address (or post it along with your comment if you’re using FB Connect / Twitter etc).

Oh, hello, taxidermied bobcat! What shall we name you? Big thanks to loyal MetalSucks reader Ross Gnarly for bestowing your presence upon the Vince Division of the MS Mansion in exchange for a shitload of CDs, vinyls and other metal swag in my annual name-your-own-price trade-a-thon. Mr. Bobcat is making the acquaintance of Bocephus, and I think they’ll get along just fine.

Here’s Ross enjoying his bounty:

Keep it real until next year, folks. I’m thinking that I’ll need bear to liven things up here. Black or grizzly, either will do.

For the third year in a row, MetalSucks asked you, our beloved readers, to tell us why you hate the holidays in exchange for some cool prizes — and boy oh boy, did you guys ever let your anti-holiday vitriol flow. There were some great responses, but, alas, there can be only one winner — and that winner is Tyler The Scrooge, who posted the below outpouring of holiday hatred:

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And the winner is… Angela Martin-Gross! Angela correctly identified Mookie Singerman from Genghis Tron as the MetalSucks “Jew on Jew” interview subject who is actually only half-Jewish. She wins a Cannibal Corpse Evisceration Plague signed comic book and CD package, plus, of course, a dreidel. Mazel tov, Angela!

We’d like to thank all of the entrants, as well as Metal Blade and Kalypso Media, who very generously provided this year’s awesome prizes.

And so, until next year, do like the Maccabees would have done, and hammer your enemies. Or something.

L’chaim!

-AR

Ben Alden wins Night 7 of Heavy Metal Hanukkah for correctly naming Daath’s Eyal Levi as the subject our MetalSucks’ first-ever “Jew on Jew” interview. Ben wins Noctem’s album Oblivion courtesy of Metal Blade, a copy of the Dungeons “The Dark Lord” stand alone expansion for PC from Kalypso Media, and a dreidel from us. Mazel tov!

For the final night we’re giving away a Cannibal Corpse Evisceration Plague signed comic book and CD package, plus a dreidel with which to spin your night away. Simply answer this question correctly:

• Which MetalSucks “Jew on Jew” interviewee is actually only half Jewish?

E-mail your answer along with your full name and address to news [at] metalsucks.net with the phrase “HEAVY METAL HANUKKAH – NIGHT 8″ in the subject line. All entries should include your name and mailing address in addition to your answer, and are due by 5 pm tomorrow evening (Wednesday, December 28). Contest is open to U.S. residents only please, ’cause despite the rumors, no, the basements of our synagogues are not full of piles of gold.

-AR

Jon Galuchie Langhorne, PA wins Night 6 of Heavy Metal Hanukkah for correctly naming Orphaned Land as the band whose music is featured in the video we posted of the very zexy woman showing off her belly-dancing moves. Jon wins the new Arch/Matheos album Sympathetic Resonance courtesy of Metal Blade, a copy of Tropico 4 for Xbox 360 from Kalypso Media and a dreidel from us. Mazel tov!

For Night 7 we’re giving away a copy of Noctem’s album Oblivionand a copy of Dungeons “The Dark Lord” stand alone expansion for PC… and, but of course, a dreidel with which to spin your night away. Simply answer this question correctly:

• With whom did MetalSucks conduct the first ever “Jew on Jew” interview?

E-mail your answer along with your full name and address to news [at] metalsucks.net with the phrase “HEAVY METAL HANUKKAH – NIGHT 7″ in the subject line. All entries should include your name and mailing address in addition to your answer, and are due by 5 pm tomorrow evening (Tuesday, December 27). Contest is open to U.S. residents only please, cuz despite the fact that Jews run the world’s banks those Jews sure ain’t us.

Today is Christmas! Happy Chinese Food and Movie day for Jews everywhere! I know most folks are gonna cry “Photoshopped!” at the above picture as I initially did, but it’s totes legit — my friend’s mom snapped that photo at a Chinese restaurant near Atlanta. (I think the horizontal bars that look like Photoshop scars are actually just clear tape holding the sign up.)

Ryan Brassard of El Paso, TX wins Night 5 of Heavy Metal Hanukkah by identifying Magrudergrind’s Avi Kulawy as the Jewish metal musician who told MetalSucks in an interview that he wished his mom a happy birthday from the stage at a show in L.A. Avi also told us that his mom kvells over everything he’s accomplished with his band; a proud metal mama! For his astute use of the “search” feature on MetalSucks, Ryan wins Autumn’s Cold Comfort courtesy of Metal Blade, a copy of Air Conflicts: Secret Wars for PC from Kalypso Media and a dreidel from us.

Tonight we’re giving away a copy of the new Arch/Matheos album Sympathetic Resonance, a copy of Tropico 4 for Xbox 360, and, naturally, a driedel from MetalSucks. To win, answer this trivia question:

• Earlier this month we posted a video of a woman belly-dancing to a song by a metal band from Israel; which band was it?

Congrats to Dana Lengel of Woodmere, NY for winning Night 4 of Heavy Metal Hanukkah by correctly identifying Mike Portnoy as the Jewish metal musician who copped to being able to relate to Larry David in a Golden Gods interview with Metal Injection. Not that I blame the guy — I relate to Larry David too, and it’s kind of upsetting. I’m actually contemplating a switch to peeing sitting down, just like Larry; I mean, why not? Dana wins a copy of 3′s newest album The Ghost You Gave To Me, a copy of Air Conflicts: Secret Wars for Xbox 360, and a dreidel from MetalSucks.

I ate some latkes last night. Did you? They were delicious. Unfortunately I can’t send you latkes in the mail, but if you win Night 5 of Heavy Metal Hanukkah I can send you a copy of Autumn’s Cold Comfort courtesy of Metal Blade, a copy of Air Conflicts: Secret Wars for PC from Kalypso Media and a dreidel from us. Here’s tonight’s trivia question:

• Which Jewish metal musician told MetalSucks in an interview that he wished his mom a happy birthday from the stage at a show in Los Angeles?

Congrats to David M. Ortiz of Sante Fe, NM for correctling identifying Pentagram’s Bobby Libeling as the Jewish metal musician whose wife, Hal Liebling, launched the Käärme Concepts clothing line. Check out our own Leyla Ford’s editorial on that company and others who venture into the metalsphere. David wins a copy of Behemoth’s Evangelion DVD a Dungeons “The Dark Lord” stand alone PC expansion pack.

The magic of Hanukkah keeps on burnin’ like the weed in a miraculous bong: for tonight’s Night 4 prize we’re giving away a copy of 3′s newest album The Ghost You Gave To Me courtesy of Metal Blade and a copy of Air Conflicts: Secret Wars for Xbox 360 from Kalypso Media. Here’s tonight’s trivia question:

• Which famous Jewish metal musician copped to being able to relate to Larry David in a Golden Gods black carpet interview with Metal Injection this year?

(via someecards.com)

Who ever said Eye-talians and Jews don’t get along? Certainly not Joseph Cataliotti, who correctly noted that MetalSucks conducted a whopping ZERO “Jew on Jew” interviews in 2011. That series was fun… we really oughtta bring it back, eh? For winning Night 2 of Heavy Metal Hanukkah, Joseph receives a copy of Ghost’s Opus Eponymous from Metal Blade, a Dungeons “The Dark Lord” stand alone expansion for his PC from Kalypso Media and his very own dreidel courtesy of rebs Axl and Vince.

Just as one bottle of oil lasted the Maccabees eight whole days in the 2nd century B.C., the magic of MetalSucks gift-giving lasts eight days too. The prize for the third night is a copy of Behemoth’s Evangelion DVD from Metal Blade and another Dungeons “The Dark Lord” stand alone PC expansion pack from Kalypso Media, and here’s the trivia question you’ll have to answer correctly to win said swag:

• The wife of which Jewish metal musician launched a heavy metal clothing line in 2011, as written about on MetalSucks?

E-mail your answer along with your full name and address to news [at] metalsucks.net with the phrase “HEAVY METAL HANUKKAH – NIGHT 2″ in the subject line. All entries should include your name and mailing address in addition to your answer, and are due by 5 pm tomorrow (Friday, December 23) evening. Shortly thereafter we’ll announce the winner and post night 4’s trivia question. And while you don’t have to be Jewish to enter the contest, you do have to live in the U.S. What, you want we should go broke on shipping charges?

Mazel tov to Jenn Schwartz, who correctly who correctly identified the first night of Hanukkah’s trivia question – it was Anthrax guitarist Scott Ian who tweeted that MetalSucks is the “Best Metal site since Infernal Combustion.” Thanks for the kind words, Scott! Jenn wins a copy of As I Lay Dying’s latest release, Decas, plus a copy of Dungeons for her PC, courtesy of Metal Blade Records and Kalypso Media… plus a dreidel, courtesy of MetalSucks! Enjoy ‘em, Jenn!

No point crying into your latkes if you didn’t win, though, ’cause you’ve still got seven more nights to try and get some sweet goodies! So here’s the trivia question for night two; the winner gets a copy of Ghost’s Opus Eponymous, plus a Dungeons “The Dark Lord” stand alone expansion for their PC!

• How many Jew on Jew interviews did MetalSucks conduct in 2011, and who were those interviews with?

Brake out the menorah, break out the dreidel, break out the weed latkes — for the Festival of Lights is upon us yet again! And you know what that means: ANOTHER YEAR OF HEAVY METAL HANUKKAH!!! That’s eight crazy nights with eight crazy chances for you to win some really, really cool swag. In fact, in 2011, we are definitely topping Heavy Metal Hanukkahs of years past, ’cause we’re teaming up with our friends at Metal Blade Records and Kalypso Media to give away some incredible stuff. Don’t believe us? Just check out this picture of everything we’re unloading this year:

Nucking futs, right?

In case this is your first year broing down with MS for the Festival of Lights, here’s how it’s gonna work: Every night for the next eight nights, we’re gonna ask a trivia question that relates to both metal and Judaism. Of everyone who gets it right, we’ll randomly select one winner to receive that night’s prize from Metal Blade and Kalypso, plus — you guessed it — a dreidel, courtesy your Uncles Axl and Vince. Make sense? Good. Here’s the question for the first night… the winner gets a copy of As I Lay Dying’s new tenth anniversary celebration, Decas, plus a copy of Dungeons for their PC! So –

• Which Jewish metal musician tweeted the following message earlier this year? “If you like to read check out MetalSucks.net. Best Metal site since Infernal Combustion.”