Even metal heads need dating advice. That’s what Rich Hallford is here for! Read on to have all your love life dilemmas solved by the great master…

Dear Rich Hallford,

1. Excellent article title.

2. There’s this girl I really like. Well, two girls. One of them I’ve been working on for about a year and a half now, and I know she likes me too, but her parents won’t let her date. The other girl is a friend of my sister’s – my sister has 3 years on me, the friend is my age but a grade above – and I’d date her, but I’m so socially awkward and I’ve been rejected by every girl I’ve asked out and have never had a girlfriend. I don’t know if it’s what I say, I don’t know if it’s just me, I just don’t know. So, here’s my questions:

1. Which girl should I go for?
2. If I go for the prior, what can I do to get her parents to let off?
3. If I go for the latter, what is the best thing to say? I think she likes me too, and I might be taking her to the Anvil concert with me, which I have passes meet and greet passes for.

Please help me dude,

-6infinite6hatred6, MetalSucks.net reader

Dear 6infinite6hatred,

It’s always a tough situation to like two girls. You ask which girl to go for let’s break it down to see what’s easiest for you!

Click to read more…

Do you need dating advice? Having troubles with your girlfriend, or boyfriend? Wondering why that cute Goth chick at the mall won’t fuck you, or why your man can only get it up when music featuring the guitar work of Tripp Eisen is playing? Or maybe you’re worried that you masturbate too much while listening to Cannibal Corpse, or that you’re a little too turned on by the cover of Look What the Cat Dragged In? Rich Hallford, the Sensei of Pussei, is here to answer all your romantic queries. Just send an e-mail to hallford AT metalsucks DOT net, and your question may be answered in a future edition of “Rob Halford Doesn’t Like Girls, But Rich Hallford Does!” So what are you waiting for? Your life isn’t just going to sort itself out on its own!

Even metal heads need dating advice. That’s what Rich Hallford is here for! Read on to have all your love life dilemmas solved by the great master…

Dave asks:
If my girl is afraid of doing anal how can I force her to do it without having charges filed against me? Also, is it okay to go ass to mouth?

Never go ass to mouth. I think a nice dinner out, flowers and sweet evening alone will make her at least give it up or let you smell it. Or you can kill your dog on purpose and be sad. Maybe then she’ll let you pity hump her piehole.

Click to read more…

Hey kids,

We’ve brought on a new writer, Rich Hallford, to write a dating advice column. Rich is a lothario who is up to his eyebrows in pussy, so he really knows what’s what.

“Rob Halford Doesn’t Like Girls, But Rich Hallford Does” will start soon. Please submit questions for Mr. Hallford below, and he’ll get crackin’.

Also, ladies, don’t be shy. Rich’ll be only all-too-happy to give you the 411 on what dudes like, too.

-Axl, Vince, and Everyone at the MetalSucks Mansion