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1) Be nicer to Sebastian Bach
2) Compare penis sizes with Tommy Lee
3) Hire Phil LaBonte as a vocal coach
4) Hire Billy Milano as a personal trainer
5) Hire Tripp Eisen as a baby sitter
6) Sleep with present-day Tawny Kitaen
7) Help Danzig clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch
8) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about politics
9) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about romance
10) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about Ted Nugent
Yesterday, Sergeant D. posted a Metal Edition of the classic parlor game Marry, Fuck, or Kill, and you guys responded, uh, enthusiastically, surprising no one. And because we’re equal opportunity offenders — don’t forget that this is the site which posts leaked naked pictures of women and men alike — we decided that today we should post a metal d00dz edition.
So we sat down with the Mansion’s resident feminist, Leyla Ford, and presented her with some hot metal d00dz for a new game of MFK. Check out the results after the jump…
Some things never change: The sky is blue, water is wet, and girls only like a band if they want to eff one or more members. I’m a realist: I know there’s probably nothing I can do to change that, but as a responsible adult, I feel like it’s my duty to speak out on this sad state of affairs, and say what nobody else will: LADIES, QUIT EFFING BAND DUDES!!!
Entry-levelers and haters will think this is sour grapes, but it’s not like that at all — as someone with some serious, wizard-level game, I had my “effing a ridiculous/shameful number of random young, stupid, hot girls” phase, but I am now using my powers for good. If I can save just one young girl from blowing some filthy loser, or one young man from making the biggest mistake of his life (joining a band), then all my hard work is worth it!
1. Endure a political lecture from Blackie Lawless.
2. Take an I.Q. exam designed by Korn fans.
3. Pose for a Paul Stanley-painted portrait of my taint for his next exhibit.
4. Try to teach my dog to play The Binary Code’s “Suspension of Disbelief” on the ukulele.
5. Watch Lita Ford and Jim Gillette fuck, then Tweet about it.
6. Help produce British Steel Drums: The World’s Most Irritating Tribute to Judas Priest.
7. Let Marilyn Manson spit in my mouth.
8. Let the dude from Weedeater clean his gun while it’s aimed directly at my face.
9. Tie Billy Milano to my penis and toss him over the side of a roof.
10. Pretend to be a solicitor, call the Dio residence, and ask if Ronnie is available.
So stop e-mailing us about it.
-AR
So that was fun, wasn’t it? Devin’s site takeover gave me the day off, and I took advantage by getting in some QT with the MetalSucks Mansion Monkeys. There’s a precocious little fellow named Roberts who’s really shown some smarts as of late… watch out for that little guy in the near future! But for now it’s back to the regular douchebaggery courtesy Uncles Axl and Vince. Sorry folks, Devin day can’t be every day.
Pick-Axe Bobby sent in Roxwel.com footage of Municipal Waste playing the S.O.D. classic “United Forces” with Billy Milano at the Austin, TX stop of the MetalSucks-sponsored Waste the World tour. According to the aforementioned Roberts, this show was exactly one day after the Houston flood debacle. See? I told you he was smart. Even if you don’t dig The Waste or S.O.D. this video is worth the price of admission to hear Billy Milano talk his usual trash — nothing like telling your audience to “shut up” upon entering the stage and claiming Muncipal Waste play the song better than S.O.D. did. Gotta love Billy Milano.
-VN
Municipal Waste feat. Billy Milano – United Forces
www.roxwel.com
In 2009, my primary interest in Billy Milano is reading the new and creative ways the dudes at Metal Inquistion come up with to give him shit (read here and here for examples). Still, I recognize that once upon a time the dude made good music, and about a gajillion of you e-mailed us the link to this video of him performing S.O.D.’s “United Forces” with Lamb of God (and Doc Coyle!) at a recent Metallica concert. So, y’know, let’s call this one a reader request.
-AR
As an interviewer, you quickly learn that you have very little control how an interview goes. Of course, you can show up well prepared and ready to chat all day long, but if the person you’re interviewing turns out to be a diva/an imbecile/hungover/whatever, there’s really nothing you can do but try to get through it as quickly and painlessly as possible and hope it translates in way that is at least semi-interesting way for the eventual reader.
Of course, in the case of
Revolver has their annual “Hottest Chicks in Metal” issue, which is great if you’re Revolver and want to sell an assload of copies to horny teens and unhappily married men you want to oggle at semi-hot babes that you’ll never have. But for those just looking for a little shot in the arm of self-esteem, Ruthless Reviews presents The 10 Ugliest Men In Heavy Metal History, a list that’s sure to get you feeling pretty good about your chances of gettin’ lucky tonight. Appropriately, the top 3 (none of whom are pictured at right) are all men whose beauty factor we’ve commented on before, and #1 is highly MetalSucks-approved in his own right.
-VN
You may have noticed that one of the Google ads that keeps popping up around here recently is for some group called Hollywood Undead (In case you’re retarded, you should know that we actually have no control over what Google ads pop up on our site.). After seeing the same picture of this band day after day, I finally decided to check them out for myself.
Well, I would have been better off being the meat in a fuck sandwich with Billy Milano and Dino Cazares. Do people really still make, listen to, or in any way associate themselves with crap like this? Or did someone stick me in a time machine and whisk me away to 1998? I’m fairly certain that Hollywood Undead are just the members of Crazy Town with masks on so they don’t have to suffer the embarrassment of being recognized as the members of Crazy Town.
Anyway, I can’t even get through this entire piece of squirrel feces (For the record, I got as far as the gross chick with the mohawk taking her top off; then I barfed on my computer and turned it off.). Good luck to anyone else who cares to try.
-AR
P.S. Yes, I’m aware that simply by posting this article I’ve probably ensured hundreds of more Google ads for these dudes. Oh well.
Metal Inquistion – which may be the funniest metal blog on the net besides the one you’re currently reading – has posted this video of Billy Milano, with the following observation:
“Billy Milano must be one of the world’s most annoying human beings, and also one of the saddest. Watch this video, and tell me you don’t want to just punch him in the face so many times that your hand will break in half…
“The band’s name is M.O.D. for god’s sake….Mr. Milano had such a hard time letting go of S.O.D. that he started a bizarro world version of it. It’s as though Dave Mustaine had been kicked out of Metallica and had gone on to start Netallica.”
Watch the video and see if you agree.
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-AR
