QUESTION OF THE WEEK: THE MOSHPENDABLES [PRESENTED BY THE TRUTH]
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Hello heavy metallists everywhere! Say, have u dudes seen that movie The Expendables 2? It’s a silly new actioner in which gross Sylvester Stallone and a team of lulzy old shoot-em-up stars go blast featureless non-whites with soupcan-sized bullets. It is a hoot! Grab a bucket of popcorn, a depth-charge-sized soda, and a Percoset potent enough to treat chemotherapy patients, then head to your nearby megaplex for 100 minutes of stupid awesome fun!
And afterward, the flick will have u wishing that heavy metal had a ragtag posse of scruffy heroes, ones who care not for renown and glory, ones who want only action and the satisfaction of accomplishing the impossible, each specializing in a deadly heavy metal art. That’s today’s MetalSucks Question Of The Week, a weekly survey of our staff on a recent hot-button issue that’s blasting our metal planet full of gore-strewn craters.
Fearless. Controversial. Half-baked. We give it to you straight every Friday afternoon. Straight at your guts, ripping u into two equal pieces. Here’s this week’s question:
Inspired by a fictional all-star team of mercenary gun freaks and expert brawlers for whom no job is too dirty and no mission too suicidal, we asked our staff the following:
If u had to assemble an Expendables-style all-star team of like 12 awesome die-hard metal guys to infiltrate the Singapore lair of villainous Dave Mustaine, whose powers of metal would you employ?
Wat u think? The MS staff’s expert answers after the jump!
If pinch harmonics and growls and breakdowns and blast beats were necessary to stop a Must-ermind’s evil plot, then we’d need a full whack of brutal metal muscle! So my posse would be lead by Bruce Dickinson, he of sage wisdom, curt leadership, manifold skill, and explosive temper. Bruce is aided by his do-it-all right hand man Adam “Nergal” Darski and flanked by Dave Lombardo (the detonator) and Geezer Butler (the diplomat). Backing them are Billy Gould (Faith No More), Devin Townsend (Strapping Young Lad), Kelly Shaefer (Atheist), and Erik Rutan (Hate Eternal). The injection of youth into this codger-crew is laser-precise marksman/babyface Cotee Embry (Look Right Penny). A soft-but-merry James Hetfield joins the mission in progress to share key intel on Mustaine’s jungle fortress of madness. At its gates, the team sets up, plugs in, and blasts the compound to dust, then secrets its resident madman to a black site in Berkeley lol.
1. Greg Puciato (muscle), 2. Billy Milano (flab, wisecrackery), 3. Joey Belladonna (Schwarzenegger), 4. John Bush (Stallone), 5. Rob Halford (finally actualizing the homoeroticism of sweaty all-male action movies), 6. Kerry King (looks like Bruce Willis’ cousin), 7. Dave Ellefson (inside man), 8. Lemmy (boss and reminder of who’s boss), 9.-12. the dudes of Revocation (no, they won’t produce the same gunplay and explosions but almost certainly smell much worse).
For a covert mission, 12 people is too many. I’d go the sneaky route, less Expendables and more Ninja Turtles: Dio taught them to be ninja teens (er, middle-aged men). Bruce Dickinson leads, Rob Halford does machines (that’s a fact, Jack). Lemmy is cool but crude, King Diamond is the party dude.
I am not rly familiar with Dave Mustang’s work, but from what I can tell he is a middle-aged ginger who says a lot of annoying stuff. I can understand why someone would want to kill him — here are a couple of the commandos I would send after him:
- Danny Worsnop of ASKING ALEXANDRIA as the dumb guy- his dialogue could just be lines from his upcoming autobiography
- Cristina Scabbia from LACUNA COIL as the aloof euro bish that starts out as a coldblooded assassin who ‘won’t let anyone get close enough to hurt her’ but eventually falls in love with the main character (played by me), culminating in the first sex scene in a mainstream movie that shows penetration (specifically, my wiener going into her butt)
- Thanos Reignz of EMMURE bc he could have some cool lines about aliens and illuminati that would make the film more like ‘a thinking man’s action movie that tackles a lot of issues most ppl in Hollywood don’t have the balls to address’
- The singer of OCEANO as the black guy (idk his name maybe someone can find his facebook)
Varg Vikernes is a one-man Expendables team. He will take down a few people and blow up some shit but will almost certainly die in the process.
To fit the theme, I tried to pick a group of ethnically and nationally diverse metal dudez who skew a little older than your average ‘banger. Like, 40 years old and up.
Dale Crover (Melvins) – Dale’s got one of the heaviest kickdrum feet in the biz. It could be applied to Dave Mustaine’s ballz as well.
Shane Embury (Napalm Death) – I bet he can run at the mouth about politics just as angrily as Dave. Plus, Napalm Death had been playing for two years when Megadeth first started. And was way more important for the development of extreme metal. Dave loses.
Yamantaka Eye (Boredoms/Naked City/Painkiller) – Skinny Japanese guy with crazy vokills. He’d be an excellent distraction, cackling and making funny facial movements for Dave’s enjoyment while the others stealthily sneak into his guarded bathroom and replace his hair product with sulfuric acid.
Steve Von Till (Neurosis) – This man looks at you and your soul shrivels. He’s that intense. He and Mustaine in a staring contest could be the epic final battle of the Mustaine Warz.
Eugene Robinson (Oxbow) – A renowned expert at the art and philosophy of fighting, he’s a no-brainer for this mission. Plus, he performs in his underwear. If a gigantic black man in his underwear doesn’t catch Mustaine off guard, what will?
Tomas Lindberg (At the Gates, Lock Up, Disfear) – He even kinda looks like Chuck Norris. He’ll be 40 in October, so he counts.
Dino Cazares (Fear Factory, Divine Heresy) – There will likely be many babies on the way to Dave’s lair. They must be eaten.
Fenriz (Darkthrone) – We need one cynical smartass for comic relief.
Devin Townsend (himself/Strapping Young Lad) – Okay, here’s a second cynical smartass.
Mike Smith (ex-Suffocation) – He left a legendary death metal band for the second time in the middle of a great comeback stretch. So he’s erratic, unpredictable. But a monster, too. If he can stay in control, Mustaine’s ass is his.
Wino (St. Vitus/The Obsessed/Shrinebuilder) – This dude has more soul in his left nostril than Mustaine has put into the entire Megadeth oeuvre. Mustaine will wither in the presence of such authenticity.
Glenn Danzig – Possibly the only man in metal more temperamental than Dave Mustaine. What an epic conservative pissing match would ensue!
Mustaine is a formidable nemesis, so we need some serious machismo. Not necessarily the best, but the toughest. And which metal musicians are rougher and readier (and more expendable) than the fine gents of HellYeah and Five Finger Death Punch? And without question, this mission would be helmed by Sully-vester Stal-Erna. You know, one time he told me, “I’m tougher than nails — I can promise you that.” I didn’t believe him but then I stepped out of line and got bitch-slapped back. Homie doesn’t play. Mustaine had better watch out, unless he has an ample supply of light beer and middle-aged swamp donkeys at his disposal, he’s dunzo.
1. Top dog: Frank Mullen, Suffocation. Who else, honestly? His unhinged stage banter and fondness for gore stretch a gossamer-thin veil of sanity across a psyche that makes me pretty sure that ol’ Choppy-Hands will be more than happy to go completely cold-blooded apeshit if the need ever arose.
2. Right-hand man: Will Rahmer, Mortician. A fellow gorehound with a much more tarnished reputation — did anyone ever confirm that stabbed-a-cabbie-in-Poland story that’s been floating around for aeons? — Rahmer is ripped as fuck and has the cold, dead eyes of a hammerhead shark.
3. Tough broad #1: Lori Bravo, Nuclear Death. This lady personifies the word “badass.” Beyond her hellacious growl and twisted riffage in pioneering death/grind miscreants Nuclear Death, her various run-ins with the law and sworn allegiance to the Devil render her more than a little terrifying.
4. Tough old dude #2: Caller of the Storms, Blasphemy. From one of the most violent and intimidating bands I’ve ever seen, with personal lives that live up to their lyrics (drug convictions, assault, the list goes on …), Caller’s hulking, forever sunglass-obscured presence (replete with massive biceps and one hell of a shut-the-fuck-up-punk glare) and complete lack of morals will definitely come in handy.
5. Tough (not very old) dude #3: Vetis Monarch, Weapon. Born and raised amid the self-described “Third World violence” of Bangladesh and facing charges for an alleged stabbing, Vetis is not a very nice guy. He’s a sweetheart to his friends, but an evil bastard to anyone who may cross him, and his underworld connections and volcanic temper are definite assets.
6. Tough dude #4: Gaahl. Motherfucker is creepy, no matter what you think of his music, and has already proven himself more than capable of violence and general misbehavior. Also, do you really want THAT face popping up next to you in the dark?
7. Wise old dude who will still beat your ass #1: Wino. Have you ever seen Wino angry? You don’t want to. His appreciation for life’s finer things – speed, whiskey, and women – is legendary enough, and his consumption of all three has rendered him damn near invincible. He also likes knives and has a deadly right hook.
8. Wise old dude who will still beat your ass #2: Mike Hill, Tombs. His dedication to physical fitness, personal growth, and intellectual pursuits make him an ideal thinking man’s man – or ass-whupping bringer of vengeance, depending which side of the good guy/bad guy divide you’re on. Dude is huge, and he’s got crazy eyes.
9. Young gun: Erik Danielsson, Watain. He’s still pretty young, but is genuinely batshit crazy, so that makes up for his lack of wrinkles. This pint-sized Satanic nutjob has a Napolean complex and something to prove – and an unhealthy appreciation for blood.
10. OG ass-saver: Lemmy. ‘Nuff said.
11. Douchebag extraordinaires (tie): Niklas Kvarforth, Shining – because he’s an anti-Semitic attention whore with a bad attitude that needs some serious straightening out, and Varg Vikernes, because how much fun would it be to watch that guy get chased through the jungle?
12. Attractive spy-type person: Amber Valentine, Jucifer. She’s all sweetness and light until you piss her off, and then it’s best to run for cover, because this outspoken, fiercely intelligent lady’s got a way with words – especially when she’s angry. Couple that with the kind of biceps that only a couple decades spent hauling around nineteen amps a night will develop, and you’ve got a problem if you get in her way.
Let the fun begin!
That’s easy: Chuck Behler, Jimmy DeGrasso, Glen Drover, Marty Friedman, James Hetfield, James Lomenzo, James MacDonough, Nick Menza, Al Pitrelli, Chris Poland, Lars Ulrich, and Jeff Young.