I see a pattern developing in 2011; the only albums selling are old ones. It’s quite startling, in fact; it’s already mid-February and the new release machine is kicking into high gear, but the charts are still dominated by best-of compilations and classic albums from the likes of Metallica, Van Halen, Ozzy, Aerosmith (Idol Effect), and Guns N’ Roses and perennially charting butt-rock bands like Godsmack, Disturbed, Three Days Grace, Theory of a Deadman, Kid Rock, Linkin Park, Nickelsuck, etc etc etc. AKA bands that appeal to people mostly over the age of 30. Will 2011 be the year that folks stop purchasing music en masse? It’s too early to tell, but things are not looking good.

In any case, last week saw a variety of solid new releases in the metal world from Full Blown Chaos, Lazarus A.D., Thomas Giles (of BTBAM) and Abysmal Dawn. Not bands you’d expect chart-busting numbers from, but still, heavy hitters in our world. Sadly, only one of those bands was able to crack the Top 100 in the Top Hard Music Charts. We know better than to claim these numbers as a definitive measure of those bands’ popularity, but as long as record labels are the source of funding to launch these bands’ careers — and until there’s a better ranking system that incorporates record sales, merch sales and touring revenue into one chart — sales numbers will matter to some degree.

Let’s look at how last week’s new releases, and a few others, performed on the Soundscan charts.

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Yesterday, Sergeant D. posted a Metal Edition of the classic parlor game Marry, Fuck, or Kill, and you guys responded, uh, enthusiastically, surprising no one. And because we’re equal opportunity offenders — don’t forget that this is the site which posts leaked naked pictures of women and men alike — we decided that today we should post a metal d00dz edition.

So we sat down with the Mansion’s resident feminist, Leyla Ford, and presented her with some hot metal d00dz for a new game of MFK. Check out the results after the jump…

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So Baz was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night (Fallon is a known hair metal enthusiast), providing vocals for a bit about having a power ballad for the Oregon Ducks. (In case you’re sportarded like I am, that’s a college football team.) And while it’s immediately better than that song Sevendust did for the Atlanta Falcons ’cause it’s intentionally funny, and is probably better than anything else Bach has done in some time for the same reason, I still think the gag gets old fast. But whatever keeps Sebitchin from biting people, I guess.

-AR

Thanks: metalgf

Allow me to shill for a beat before the weekend: If you haven’t already bought one of our new, limited edition shirts, go get yours now!!! They’re selling fast, and soon they will be the title of a God Forbid album. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Here’s some other fun stuff we did this week:

• Valient Thorr’s Valient Himself gave us the rundown on Fun Fun Fun Fest, The Red Chord’s Greg Weeks found the CFL fun and confusing, Intronaut’s Sacha Dunable talked about the best and worst drives in the U.S., and The Austerity Program’s Justin Foley is the latest to weigh in on free metal from Scion.
• We debuted new music from Murder Construct.
• We spoke to Pentagram’s Bobby Liebling and Christopher Drew from Nevershotnever and Eatmewhileimhot.
• We checked out the latest releases from Riotgod, Electric Wizard, Rimfrost, and First Blood and Killing the Dream.
• We asked you about old school bands you wanted to like but couldn’t.
• We joined Gene Simmons, Slash, and Dave Navarro in having NOH8 for gays.
• We laughed at both Kirk Hammett and the little girl he kicked.
• We also laughed at Sebastian Bach’s frail ego.
• We got really excited about the new single from The Human Abstract.
• We also got really excited about Decibel‘s new flexi disc series.

Have a nice, relaxing weekend gang. We’ll miss you muchly, but we’ll see ya Monday.

-AR

I hate TMZ, but I feel obligated to tell you that the celebrity gossip site has obtained security camera footage of Sebastian Bach getting violent with the staff of a bar in Canada yesterday, and subsequently being arrested. Go here to watch, although, like I said, it’s security cam footage, which means it’s both grainy and stationary, which means you can’t actually see very much. Oh, how I wish someone had captured the glorious incident on their cell phone! But this will have to suffice.

Considerably more entertaining is this report of why Bach got so rowdy in the first place:

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Oh, Sebastian Bach. I love you so much right now, I can’t even begin to tell you.

From QMI Agency:

Rock and heavy metal singer Sebastian Bach has been charged with assault after a wine glass was smashed at a downtown bar and a staff member bitten, police say.

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Since getting cable for the first time in five years this past September I’ve been fascinated with TV, can’t stop watching it whenever I have the chance; Hulu, torrents and the like are great, but sometimes you don’t know what you want to watch and prefer the glorious ADHD-riddled game known as channel surfing. Other than the occasional sports broadcast, my cable box stays parked between the channel range of 270-290 on Direct TV, aka all the dork channels: Discovery, History, A&E, etc. But one channel really takes the cake; The Science Channel! Anyone who has a cable provider that doesn’t broadcast this channel is missing out on some of the best shows to grace television’s black screen in ages such as MANTRACKER, HOW IT’S MADE and SURVIVORMAN. A++++ would do business with again fast shipping programming! For the most part I really don’t need to change the channel; I could watch endless repeats of those three shows (with a little Mythbusters thrown in) and be perfectly happy.

So it’s no surprise then that I had no idea ex-Skid Row and ex-Saigon Kick drummer Phil Varone is now a C-list celebrity because of an appearance on Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew in 2009.

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At the Accept show I went to last week, I had a pretty funny moment with the boy when I said that it sounded like they were singing “We are nice” instead of “Neon nights.” Which got me thinking: I mishear lyrics a lot. It could be because I’m deaf, or people just don’t enunciate, or that most of the bands I listen to don’t really know English that well so they probably are singing stupid shit. Or it could be that I’d rather hear something than what I actually do — I mean, Bob Ezrin wanted a new, edgy song to appeal to those hip youngsters and thought Alice Cooper was singing “I’m edgy,” instead of “I’m eighteen.” Personally, I’m way more entertained with what my brain, or other people’s brains (as I got some volunteers for this task), comes up with. So here are a few songs that made it to my Misheard Lyrics Hall of Fame.

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Sebastian Bach and, to a somewhat lesser extent, Corey Glover and, to a definitely lesser extent, Paul Stanley have all had some success doing theatrical musicals, be it on Broadway or elsewhere; now Dee Snider wants in on that action, and has joined the cast of Rock of Ages, the hit Broadway jukebox musical that incorporates 80′s music that is still remembered fondly by the bridge and tunnel crowd — e.g., Poison, Journey, etc. He’ll be in the show for eleven weeks, from October 11 through December 24.

And why not? Snider’s vocal talents were never on the level of guys like Glover and Bach, but live videos that I just watched on YouTube (like the one above) tell me that his voice is still in surprisingly good shape. Plus, he already dresses like Liza Manelli, so he’ll fit right in on The Great White Way.

And it’s a genius stroke on the part of the producers; the people who wanna see this show are definitely gonna know who Snider is, and be all the happier to buy a ticket to see him. It makes you wonder why no one thought of this sooner, or if anyone besides Snider was ever approached to be in the show.

Also, if Snider’s eight-shows-a-week (!) commitment to Rock in any way slows the production of Strangeland 2, than it can only be a good thing.

Meanwhile, it was just about a year ago that a Rock of Ages movie adaptation was announced, to be directed by Adam Shankman, the man behind such Cannes Film Festival Palme D’Or winners as Cheaper by the Dozen 2. But there’s been no news of that project since, so it’s either dead or stuck in development hell. Either way, the human race wins… for now.

-AR

That’s right! One of MetalSucks’ most controversial voices — which is really saying something — is gonna be the DJ at tonight’s Heavy Metal Happy Hour at Arrow Bar (85 Avenue A). There are 2-for-1 drinks from 6:00PM until 9:00PM, so if you’ve ever wanted to get drunk and ask Gary “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS OR WHAT?!?!” in person, here’s your chance!

Now the week’s highlights:

• We debuted new music by The Absence and Vanisher.
• We spoke to Accept’s Wolf Hoffmann and Sebastian Bach (but not really with that last one).
• We checked out new releases by Filter, Neurosis, and The Last Felony.
• Vince contemplated a Mike Portnoy-less Dream Theater.
• Sergeant D. contemplated the new Escape the Fate song…
• …while we couldn’t even pay attention during the new Oceano song.
• We considered bidding on the best band name in the world.
• As it turns out, Wormrot are really good live, too.
• Neil Young and Burzum are collaborating on a new album?!?
• Wanna see a fat man eat seven cans of ravioli in time to a Fuckshovel song? OF COURSE YOU DO!!!

As Eyal promised yesterday, next week will see the full-on return of “Jumping Darkness Parade.” Plus we’ll have more contest, more video and track debuts, more interviews, more everything. Be there or be ᄆ.

-AR

Don’t ask me how I did it. But I managed to snag an in-person interview with Sebastian Bach. I was only given five minutes with him, but, hey, I was willing to take whatever I could get.

I was actually kinda surprised by how friendly he was to me, considering all the terrible things we’ve written about him over the years. But there ya have it.

I can’t believe that this really happened. Read the short but telling transcript of our conversation after the jump.

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I love reading groupie biographies. It’s sort of a hobby of mine. I’ve read everyone’s, from Pamela Des Barres to Catherine James to Marianne Faithfull (she counts), and am eagerly awaiting the memoirs of Cherry Vanilla, the woman who heroically blew half of New York to get David Bowie on the radio. Some women go sexually apeshit on rock stars, others enjoy reading about it while maintaining a happily gonorrhea-free existence. It’s just how it goes.

When I first heard of The Last Living Slut: Born in Iran, Bred Backstage, I was rather intrigued. Mind you, I had some preconceptions because of the key words: “slut” and “Iran.” It’s one thing to fuck everyone from Autograph to Winger and write about it, but controversy for the sake of controversy is quite another beast (with two backs, har har).

Though I tried to brush off the combination of these topics as calculated edginess, I couldn’t help but soften to Ms. Roxana Shirazi. Her story runs the gamut from depressingly sad (getting bullied in middle school for being a foreigner) to hilarious (watching as Matt Sorum interrupts himself during a threesome to do push-ups because he’s in ‘such good shape”) to horrifying (falling in love with Dizzy Reed and having to abort his baby). Everything aside, she’s just a girl who loves her rock’n’roll. Naked or otherwise.

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Nocturno reluctantly welcomed us into Hair Metal Week kicking and screaming, so this sappy finale is largely for him.  And those of you who like cheese.  A lot.

There’s been a lot of talk this week about what kind of sound does or does not make a band “glam” or “hair metal” or whatever the hell else you want to call it, but it’s also important to mention that for many of us the stinky cheese factor plays a huge role as well. So many of the bands in question were SO over-the-top ridiculous in their lyrics/music/attitude/wardrobe/etc. that it’s often unpossible to think about hair metal without associating how cheesy it all is.  Granted, this trend started in the 80s, so ample fromage is to be expected, but at the end of the day, doesn’t the corniness help define the genre itself?  Unless if some of you actually think that hair metal is unironically “cool”, which is okay I guess — we’re all entitled to our opinions, even if they’re wrong.

Regardless of where your tastes lie, we should all be able to agree that nowhere does the cheese fly nearly as much as in the power ballads of yesteryear…

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Welcome to “Question of the Week,” a (sometimes) weekly debate amongst the MetalSucks staff regarding a recent hot button issue.

Since it’s hair metal week here at MetalSucks, it seemed only appropriate to consider a glamtastic question. So we asked our writers:

WHICH HAIR METAL BAND FROM THE ’80s BEST STANDS THE TEST OF TIME IN 2010?

The MS staff’s answers after the jump.

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Discovered by fellow not-hair-metallers Bon Jovi, Skid Row have a special place in the genre’s history. They were, as Chuck Klosterman points out in his brilliant book, Fargo Rock City, the only band of the era to make good on their continual promises that their next album would be “heavier.” Skid Row definitely had some tracks that could pass for hair metal, but their sophomore effort, Slave to the Grind, was clearly drawing on heavier influences, like Judas Priest (when the band covered “Deliverin’ the Goods” on the B-Side Ourselves EP, Halford even guested on the vocals), and by the time they made Subhuman Race, well, they were almost unrecognizable as a band. But it never felt like they were trend-chasing, the way so many of their peers were; it always seemed like they legitimately wanted to get heavier and heavier, and consequently, they did.

Let’s just listen to the progression for a few minutes, okay? Here’s “Big Guns,” one of their glammier songs from Skid Row:

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Read Leyla’s list of The Top Ten Worst Hair Metal Band Names here.

All right, this was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be and for a while I considered just doing a part two of bad names. But, like hair metal itself, there are always some gems floating amidst the crap, and with a little borrowing from other overlapping genres, ten candidates were found for the best of hair band names. So you’re safe for now, Trixter, Tora, Tora, Kix, and Stryper…

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Usually when a fad fizzles, its casual fans disperse and its faithful just hang tough. But no trend, including the macarena and Jewel, has been subjected to the hostility and convenient disgust that follows Glam Metal and its fans. Perhaps the extra-harsh reaction is proportionate to its success as an inescapable, nearly decade-long craze that dominated radio and TV. Perhaps a lot of macho dickheads and party-haters are defensive about what they consider a shameful episode of rock transvestism. Perhaps the haters just seem louder because Glam Metal’s fanbase has failed, unlike those of hip hop and classic rock, to perpetuate itself via self-righteous documentaries, a half-assed hall of fame, and/or positions of power within critical music media. Perhaps it’s all three.

But there’s no changing the fact that Glam Metal’s great moments are great. And millions of people paid cash to enjoy those great moments. How could it not have been fun?

To help us relive those hair metal moments, we welcome Bring Back Glam! scribe Allyson B. Crawford, America’s foremost Glam Metal scholar. Today, Allyson and MS hair rock apologist Anso DF assemble the essential Glam Metal library for beginners and veterans. An oral history, a time capsule, a how-to kit, a party starter, a cheat sheet to win the heart of hair rockers, whatever you want to call it — it’s all about the loudest, dirtiest, beer-chuggingest, drugs-snortingest records in music history. And you don’t even have to be glam to read it. But it doesn’t hurt.

Forget the hype. Forget the history. Forget the backlash. This is the real shit.

Click to read more…

Noisecreep tells us that Sebastian Bach is gonna get the animated treatment for the July 5th episode of childrens’ television mainstay SpongeBob SquarePants.

Naturally, this has nothing to do with Baz’s need to eat and everything to do with his burning desire to bestow upon today’s youth the legacy of Skid Row and hair metal as a whole. Thank you, Baz, for your continued devotion to educating the youth of our country and for being a real do-gooder amidst all the craziness we face daily.

-VN

Bring Back Glam tells me that the new Bret Michaels song is called “Wasted Time.” I haven’t heard it yet, and I don’t really care to. I just wanted to point out that one of Michaels’ peers in cock rockdom has already written and recorded a song called “Wasted Time,” and that this song was, is, and forever will be the only “Wasted Time” with which glam fans should waste time.

Now somebody get Baz and the band to kiss and make-up already. I’m tired of this Johnny whasshisname shit already.

-AR

So Rocklahoma, the once cock-rockalicious festival, may be a wash this year, but it seems that there’s already a new fest to grab ahold of the Aquanet and let us relive our youth gone wile: Rock N America, which take place from July 23 to July 25 in – get this – Oklahoma. Huh.

The line-up basically plays like a who’s who of who shoulda been playing Rocklahoma this year: Scorpions, Twisted Sister, Ratt, Warrant, Dokken, Great White, Enuff Z’Nuff, Bullet Boys, Faster Pussycat, and the Tracii Guns/Jizzy Pearl version of L.A. Guns are all the bill. More bands will be announced soon; in my imagination that will include whatever is passing for Skid Row these days, Vince Neil, Adler’s Appetite, Beautiful Creatures and/or Bang Tango, and the other version of L.A. Guns. But who knows.

It is worth noting that the fest will take place at the Zoo Amphitheatre, which a) has a smaller capacity than the giant open fields of Rocklahoma and b) isn’t just a cool name from some venue, but, rather, is called the “Zoo Amphitheatre” because it’s actually at the fucking zoo. So unless it’s always been Chip Z’Nuff’s dream to play for a crowd of zebras, this isn’t going to be quite the event that Rocklahoma was for these bands.

Still, you should visit the Rock N America website, even if you’re not really interested in attending the show, because, well, it’s like the shittiest website of 1994 and is consequently pretty hilarious.

-AR

[via Bring Back Glam]