• Axl Rosenberg

0503_michael_buble_b.jpgI’m so sick of hearing about this overrated, under talented closet case of a “crooner.” The fact that his brand of elevator muzak is actually popular shows how low our culture (to say nothing of our collective I.Q.) has sunk. Bublé isn’t a true artist, but another corporate scam hoisted upon us all. His voice isn’t thick, rich, full of character, like swing singers of eras past; it’s thin, tinny, his melodies forgettable, generic. Fuck, he doesn’t even have the menial charm of a Harry Connick, Jr. Right now the masses listen to Bublé because the corporations that have taken control of our pop culture through “synergy” (e.g., company owns film studio, record label, magazine/book publisher; artist appears on cover of said magazine and soundtrack of film produced by said studio, so each component feeds one another) have told people they should like him. But there’s no genuine gratification to be had from that; it just makes Bublé the N’Sync of the post-collegiate, undersexed masses. Like Lance Bass, Bublé is completely non-threatening, and is therefore “safe” for women to like. But his days in the limelight are numbered.

While we wait for the Bublé to burst, we can fantasize about ten things that would incredibly hilarious… if they happened to Bublé.

10) Through a freak accident, Bublé is accidentally sent back in time, where he encounters his idol, Frank Sinatra, at the height of his fame. Unamused by Bublé’s fawning and disgusted by his lack of talent, Sinatra beats the living fuck out of Bublé while his fellow Rat Packers Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr. watch, cackling hysterically all the while.

9) Kerry King is elected president. Bublé is deported back to Canada.

8) Fellow Canucks William Shatner and Michael J. Fox, under the leadership of Sebastian Bach, beat Bublé mercilessly for shaming their home land. Bublé is forced to live with guilt of knowing he has sunk even lower than Shatner and Bach and got his ass beaten by the disabled Fox.

7) Harry Connick, Jr. drops a piano on Bublé from a tenth story window.

6) Your own Axl Rosenberg wins a silent auction whereby I am allowed to to inject tiny spider eggs into Bublé’s scrotum. When the eggs hatch, the spiders chew their way out.

5) Bublé’s family is taken hostage. He is told they will be returned safely if he can survive five minutes in the pit during Lamb of God’s set at this year’s Ozzfest. He lasts all of seventeen seconds before some dude five times his size decides to take out all his aggression over the incredibly low quality of Ozzy’s latest release on Bublé. Bublé’s family is never heard from again.

4) Bublé is forced to spend an hour listening to Dave Mustaine talk about himself.

thedevilwearspradapubn.jpg3) During a drunken night out, under the impression they are completely alone, Bublé finally fulfills his greatest sexual fantasy – to fuck fellow talentless hack James Blunt. Unbeknownst to him, however, the entire encounter is filmed and played endlessly on trashy shows like Entertainment Tonight. Bublé’s female fanbase instantly evaporates. Bublé swears he thought James Blunt was, in fact, his ultra-chic beard, actress Emily Blunt (pictured left in The Devil Wears Prada) – they both have high pitched, womanly voices, after all – but to no avail.

2) Bublé walks in on Emily Blunt servicing Marilyn Manson – the entire band, not just the singer. Bublé is further shamed when Manson, who was taping the entire lurid act, uses the footage for his next music video.

1) While cruising for dudes one night, someone slips some roofies into Bublé’s appletini. When he wakes up in his own bed the next morning, he tries to get up to go to the bathroom but immediately falls flat on his face and is horrified to realize his arms and legs have been amputated during his slumber.


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