The Hard R



The Hard R

Drugs, Sex And Rock N Roll

When we first started our band, my brother and I were vehemently against drugs and alcohol. We knew about all the cliches and stereo types. We knew that drugs ruined bands and there was no way that we were going to do ruin our band. For me, that all went out the window when we first started touring in 2000. Touring is fucking wild. On tour, we’d drink alcohol every chance we got because it was free. We’d smoke ounces of weed because we’d have to drive through New Mexico’s 120 degree heat without AC to get to Los Angeles. Weed was the only thing that made you think the heat wasn’t so bad. Also, weed passed a lot of time on the road. Time is all there is on the road. In one particular case, we went to a drug house and took X with bands we were on tour with, stayed up all night and played the show the next day. I’ll leave the bands names out of it. I don’t put people’s shit out there.

I’d like to tell you a story about my first trip into the ‘rock star’ lifestyle. God Forbid had been around on the touring circuit for about 3 years continuously before we joined the Ozzfest of 2004. This was a dream come true for me and the rest of our band. Ozzfest that year was like that movie ‘One Crazy Summer’ for bands. I think we were a part of the most historic Ozzfest in the history of Ozzfest. The first one was stellar but the Ozzfest in ’04 broke new metal bands that have careers today. Darkest Hour, Bleeding Through, Throwdown, Hatebreed, Lamb Of God, Devildriver, Unearth, Atreyu, Otep, Lacuna Coil, Slipknot, Every Time I Die. Look at that list. That was a special time in metal and we were right in the middle of all of it.

Right before we got on the bus to go to the rehearsal day for Ozzfest in Connecticut I made a silent pact with myself. I knew this was the tour to end all ‘fun’ tours for me. I knew this was the moment that my childhood was going to live it’s last dream. After Ozzfest the band would have a new focus because this dream was about to be realized. I knew after Ozzfest it was time to grow up and become a man. My pact was this: No matter what; I have to be Rock N Roll. That’s not a joke. I’ll say it again: No matter what; I had to be Rock N Roll. Ozzfest is Rock N Roll. I’m on Ozzfest so I had to live Rock N Roll.

I had always been against cocaine. I thought it was the dirtiest drug ever. I honestly thought black people never did cocaine. I thought it was a rich person’s drug and I never knew any rich black people. Oh, was I mistaken! The first time I did cocaine is still one of the most Rock N Roll things I’ve ever done. And as most of you know, I’m half black. So, my ideas fell like a glass ceiling.

Sometimes we’d play at 9:30 in the morning. At 10:30, we’d do signings at the Jager tent. By noon, I was usually hammered as fuck from about 10 shots of Jager and the copious amounts of beer me and the rest of my band ingested. It was so hot you’d sweat it out but there was no shortage of beer. Throwdown and Bleeding Through were straight edge so they gave us all their beer which means every single day our bus would go through about 10 cases of beer and 2 bottles of Jager a day. That’s no fucking joke. Thank God for straight edge!

We were a second stage band and we hung out there mostly. Our bus was the Ozzfest party bus. We’d have about 25-30 girls on our bus a day. Slipknot’s road crew would come to our bus to party because we were the ones supplying the tomfoolery and the fun vibe. We were a party band.

Up until this point I had never seen cocaine in real life. Never before. I never thought about it. I avoided it. But one day I’m hanging with one of my friends from one of the other bands and one of his friends. His friend was a beautiful, down to earth woman. She had huge tits and I was just down with hanging. This was summer camp. Everything was on the table. So, my friend from the other band was like, ‘Hey, is your bus empty? You got beer?” I’m like ,”Yeah, we always have beer and I’m sure it’s empty.”

We go to the bus and go to the back lounge. I hand out some beers and look at this girl. She takes off her shirt and I’m like ‘What the fuck?’ My friend locks the door to the back lounge. This girl takes her bra off, pulls out a bag of cocaine and begins to spread it all over her tits! My friend does a line and I’m like, ‘What the fuck? What do I do?’ I remember my silent pact. This is about the most rock n roll thing that you can think of. I watch her put some more on her tits, which were beautiful. I kneeled down near her nipple and snorted my first line of cocaine ever. Then I licked the nipple. Crazy, right?

But the problem was I opened up a lot of demons that day. In 2007, I did so much cocaine for stupid reasons and it really affected everything around me. People who don’t know me couldn’t tell because I was still effectively able to play our stuff, but my ambitions fell to hell. I had no reason to do this but I kept doing it. This is when I made another pact. On New Years Eve of 2007, I decided to put down the useless partying and save it for real celebrations. You can’t celebrate three times a week. I’ve actually done it. Hey, I still like to party here and there but my ambitions have come back full force after detox. I take responsibility for my actions.

This blog entry is pretty personal but it does have a point. Most of us out there have our goals and our aspirations. If you have a silent pact with yourself, keep it. As bad as I got with cocaine, I was able to see through it because I’m able to keep my promises to myself. I’m able to forgive myself for the bad things I’ve done which is a big part of the the success I’ve achieved and will continue to achieve.

Some of you may have those same addictions but trust me, it’s your own will and belief in yourself that will pull you out of it. No one else can.


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