Scraping Genius Off The Wheel

CRABAPPLE EXPRESS

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CRABAPPLE EXPRESS

Anaheim purports to be The Happiest Place On Earth, but the only cool thing I saw there this weekend was a drug-addled young prostitute staggering and swaying in a Carl’s Jr. drive thru like a plastic bag majestically caught in the wind. I swear to God, officer, I never touched her. With that in mind, here’s your noise news.

Oversharing Is Overcaring
Last year, The Austerity Program stunned my blank ass into submission with their Grammy Award-worthy Black Madonna, an album of thunderous basslines, chugging guitars, and deft drum programming. In my hyperbolic opinion, these guys are the true torch bearers for the Steve Albini tradition, and if you don’t believe me then go ahead and download “Song 17B.” As a new 7″ on Hydra Head seemed to sell out at the source within days of release, I’m pleased to report that the duo vows to begin work on their next masterpiece. Embracing our TMI culture (thanks, Perez Hilton!), singer/guitarist Justin Foley intends to keep an online journal of the proceedings, which should prove quite the tasty treat given his entertaining thirteen-part epic chronicle of their European tour with Isis (available here).

Gibby Goes Down
Fresh off a public booting offstage following an altercation with the Webster Hall (NYC) soundguy during the final show of the fully reunited Butthole Surfers’ sticky sweet nut cluster of summer concerts, the notorious Gibby Haynes plans a very special “solo electronic set” in the very same city at downtown performance space The Stone. The venue doesn’t offer advance tickets, so your best chance (and mine) to get into this probable psychedelic freakout will be to arrive early on the September 3rd and smile like you mean it. You should also bring $10. This date is but one in an entire month of no holds barred music at The Stone curated by noneother than Mister JG Thirlwell, best known for his masonry smashing work as Foetus. Other scheduled acts include Thurston Moore’s Northampton Wools, ex-Swans groaner Michael Gira, and devout partyboy apparent pianist Andrew W.K., as well as Thirlwell’s own Manorexia ensemble. Wow.

Cosmetology Is Not A Crime
Now available is Certainty Of Swarms, the new album from Kentucky’s Hair Police, featuring six all new abrasive tunes to confound the neighbors and remind them to renew that quaint restraining order against you. Released on Carlos Giffoni’s No Fun Productions (a label which somewhat recently dropped Thurston Moore’s blistering, feedbacking Sensitive/Lethal EP), the latest from this misunderstood crew of miasmatic miscreants will creep out even the most hardened blackened death metal fan.

Get Fucked
Even though they’re currently wrapping up a European tour, benevolent Canadian noise punks Fucked Up cannot bear for you to wait one hot minute longer to hear the festering fruits of their labor. So they’ve graciously graced us all with  a free MP3 download of the “No Epiphany,” the whistle-wetting first single off the forthcoming The Chemistry Of Common Life (in stores October 7). I’m kinda surprised to learn that Matador is going to put out this record, in CD and 2LP editions, considering that most of their “active” roster makes me want to box my own ears. North American concerts are being staggered, with West Coast dates planned for late August and the East Coast / Midwest gigs commencing in October. Don’t ask me how they plan to recreate the apparently heavily multi-tracked instrumentation in a live setting. Why don’t you make like Morrissey and find out for yourself?

This Is The Best Party That I’ve Ever Been To
Animal Disguise, home to such cheerful acts like Cadaver In Drag and Mammal, has just unleashed its latest rabid dog in the form of Bad Party‘s debut Coming Out Slowly. With an industrial-strength power electronics and electro-punk pedigree, these Detroit denizens wear their Big Black infatuation on their puke-stained sleeves for the duration of this aggressive eight-tracker. Only 500 LP-only copies exist, so you better act fast. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a CD or digital release.

Got a noise tip? SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!

Until next time: keep your eye on the fruit.

-GS

Gary Suarez is the Ronald McDonald Professor of Cardiology at Johns Hopkins University and an avid collector of Grimace memorabilia. He also writes for Brainwashed and mismanages a consistently off-topic blog called No Yoko No.

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