Reunion Mania

WELL, IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN SOONER OR LATER: FAITH NO MORE MAY REUNITE

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WELL, IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN SOONER OR LATER: FAITH NO MORE MAY REUNITE

With seemingly every band in the world reuniting right now, it seemed like it was only a matter of time ’til the members of Faith No More decided to tour again. Frankly, there’s just too high a possibility of making a lot of money not to do a reunion tour. I know that’s crass, but we’re all big boys and girls here at MetalSucks so let’s just be real and admit that “We thought playing together again would be fun” is not the driving reason behind most of these reunions.

But I digress.

SO. Kerrang! is reporting this rumor that FNM are, indeed, now getting back together in ’09, and that venues have even been put on hold, etc. Bassist/guy-who-gets-asked-about-being-in-FNM-more-than-anyone-else-who-isn’t Mike Patton, Billy Gould, has been tacitly denying the reunion, but in a manner which I personally find about as convincing as Pamela Anderson’s breasts.

Let me be up front here: I think that I can safely speak for both Vince and myself when I say that an official announcement of a Faith No More reunion tour would be the fastest, best guaranteed way of actually making both of us jizz in our pants. Seriously. I used to sleep with a girl who would whisper “Faith No More are getting back together” in my ear every time I’d been taking awhile and she’d had enough already. Skeet skeet skeet.

That being said, I would like to go on record right now as saying a) I don’t think that a new Faith No More album would be a very good idea for reasons I have stated pretty clearly in the past, and b) if I find out that there’s gonna be a new Faith No More record, I will not be able to stop drooling from the time said news reaches my ears to the time I actually get to hear the album. Yes, I know that’s hypocritical, but I’m just being honest.

ANYWAY, I do kinda wonder who would play guitar on a FNM reunion tour. It seems pretty obvious that it in no way, shape, or form would be Jim Martin – I don’t think he could squeeze it into his busy pumpkin farming schedule – and if having Martin back onboard meant no songs from the post-Martin era, then I wouldn’t want him back, anyway. The band’s last guitarist was a dude named Jon Hudson, but I have no idea what kind of actual contribution he made. If the band were to choose a new guitar player, my ultimate super dork fantasy would be Buckethead, for the following reasons:

  1. Buckethead is awesome.
  2. We know Mike Patton is a Buckethead fan.
  3. Buckethead is awesome.
  4. I sometimes masturbate whilst imagining an alternate universe where Buckethead was always the guitar player in Faith No More.
  5. Buckethead is awesome.
  6. It would make Axl Rose really, really angry.
  7. Buckethead is awesome.

Now let’s all hold our collective breath and see if the reunion turns out to be a reality.

-AR

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