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THE GRAMMYS: OUR NON-REPORT

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I didn’t watch the Grammys last night, and judging by Metal Injection’s report on the event, it doesn’t sound like I missed anything. For one thing, the award Best Metal Performance wasn’t even televised, because, well, metal heads know better than to watch this stupid show and the t.v. people want ratings, not goodwill. (Judas Priest won, in case you care; AC/DC won Best Hard Rock Performance.)

Worse, though, was a butchering of the legendary solo from “November Rain” by Slash (real name: Saul Hudson), Jaime Foxx (real name: Eric Marlon Bishop), T-Pain (real name: Faheem Rasheed Najm) and Doug E. Fresh (real name: Douglas E. Davis). Not just because the song needs hip-hop shenanigans like I need nut cancer; not just because some thought they had better put Slash’s name in big letters on the screen behind him when he came on stage, in case anyone was confused by the top hat, Les Paul, curly hair, and people yelling “SLASH!”; but really because Slash only sounds marginally better than Dj Ashba.

The funniest part? If Axl Rose is to be believed, getting Slash to even agree to record “November Rain” was like pulling teeth. I can’t wait to see what kind of shit I’ll do someday in the name of making my mortgage payments.

-AR

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