Hair Metal Happy Hour


  • Axl Rosenberg


Man oh man, Jani Lane’s life just keeps getting better and better. After grunge basically killed his band’s record sales, he turned into a drunken mess who would perform live while openly wasted, on top of doing everything in his power to look more like Sally Struthers And he’s been in and out of so many different incarnations of Warrant that he should just join L.A. Guns already and get it over with.

And now there’s a warrant out for him.

Yep. A warrant for the dude from Warrant. Rimshot!

Apparently Lane was slapped with a DUI charge last year and is supposed to go to court to prove to the judge that he’s completed some community service and “alcohol classes” (which I assume are classes for getting sober, not bar tending lessons), but he’s missed not one but two scheduled court dates.

Seriously, how fucked up must this dude be that he just turned what amounts to a slap on the wrist – community service and some AA meetings, boo-hoo! – into a punch in the teeth?

Stories like this and Lane’s constant complaining about how the song “Cherry Pie” ruined his life (when we all know that actual cherry pie ruined his life) make me think that he really is a sad dude. Is life really so bad, Jani? I saw the Tracii Guns-less L.A. Guns play live five or six years back – there were like thirty people in the crowd, but afterwards the band took every even borderline-attractive woman over the age of forty back to their camper. Why can’t you just be happy singing your hits and banging aging groupies like those dudes, Jani?


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