Ask Oderus

ASK ODERUS: “IT COULD NEVER BE AS BAD AS VINNIE PAUL’S COLUMN!”

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The Bloody Tour of Horror rocks on! City after city fall in flaming ruin as GWAR marches on, our zombie horde growing in power and fury with each passing day. But even as we slay on a global scale I, Oderus Urungus, make the time to answer your idiotic questions, whether they be of cosmic import or complete crap-ola, and always with the typically evasive and insulting aplomb you have come to expect from me. Remember, Bloody Pit of Horror is out Nov. 9, and every album sold is another hit off the old glass dick for Uncle Odie… yes, that’s right, it actually states in my contract that I get paid in crack. And speaking of crack, we will be doing another Crack-a-Thon next year! Check gwar.tv for all kinds of shit. Now — on to your entreaties, human filth!

If you choke a smurf what color does it turn? I would find out myself but for the life of me I can’t find one of the little blue bastards. — Big P

Well, that depends on what kind of Smurf you are talking about. If you are talking about those little dwarf-like animated shit-fucks, I am sorry to tell you that they are indeed just that — animated. They don’t exist, so you can’t strangle them. You’d have more success strangling your own penis, if you possess one, or can get someone to lend you theirs.

If, however, indeed, you are talking about that peculiar species of human that serves as the collector for blister packs of cough medicine that the local “Papa Smurf” uses to cook into crystal meth, I can assure you, from personal experience, that they go just as blue as any other human.

O.k.  Mr. Oderus, is there anything you haven’t done yet and you want to? There must be at least one thing… — Luis Rodriguez

Please, there is no need to call me “Mr.” — “Dread Lord” or “Bung-master” will suffice. Oh, indeed, there are many things I have yet to do, such as rape the bloody eye socket of… hmmm… I guess I have socket-fucked just about everybody I ever wanted to… several times, actually. I am interested in having sex with whales, because they are so hot, and have pussy’s big enough for my heaving penis. I have yet to fuck the blowhole of a living blue whale, which has been something of an obsession of mine. I haven’t been able to quit the crack, but then again, why the hell would I want to do that?

Between all the hippie killing, dinosaur raping, pillaging, masturbating, b-balling, decapitating, money laundering, screaming, polo playing, jacking off, crack smoking, and just generally shitting and pissing everywhere it’s amazing you’re also able sift through thousands of redundant Bohab questions, is time of any real meaning to you Lord Urungus? — Jamal Mohmed

Time is an abyss, it goes backwards and forwards and anally. Everything I have ever done has already never occurred a million different ways. If you took all the dandruff that ever came off the Dali-Lama’s balls and spread it on toast, it would melt into a tasty smear. And through it all, time, like the Pink Floyd song, is the only force that not only can be made to say or do what you think maybe it is. Wow, what a bunch of crap!

Hey Odie, I’m in love with a dead dog, too! Would you be interested in going on a double-date? I’ll assume your answer is yes, so why don’t you plan our evening. — deanerhead

I suppose the first thing on the agenda would be to finger your anus, then beat the shit out of you. After that, you are dead, I steal your date and rape your corpse with it’s snout.

what is being said at the beginning of horror of yig (during the bagpipes) on side 2 of scumdogs??? — weezleteets

It is the speech that Col. Kurtz makes in Apocalypse Now, and it goes a little something like this —

“Horror has a face. And you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared. The horror. The horror.”

Hey Oderus, why the fuck haven’t you and the rest of the guys killed off the true scum of the earth… the JUGGALOS??? — Randy Blythe’s Illegitimate Child

This sounds like a personal problem, perhaps because you were raped by a clown, or will be at some point. We have been waging a relentless war against all humans since we were reborn, and have done our best to make it an equal opportunity hatred of all things alive. Juggalos, Bohabs, people with excessive nostril hair, all writhe on our flaming altar of syphilis. But we have been unable to achieve the complete extermination we crave due to two factors — our reliance on medieval weapons, and the human preponderance for fucking.

Mr. Oderus, I have too many offspring. What would be more beneficial, turning them into baby powder or baby oil? The fridge is well stocked, so making baby cakes isn’t really my concern at the moment. — argpirate

I would say oil, which you could use to as lubrication for having sex with your many children.

how on earth did gwar manage to get into space? and how come it took 25 years? did you bribe ziltoid with coffee? will you bring the gwar-bq to england? and finaly what does it mean when theres blood in your pee? i noticed at bloodstock that you had the same problem so i thought i ask. — gwar slave #2733

We stole a crashed Skumship, the S.S. Kripple-Killer, which the Destructo Brothers, Bozo and Sawborg had piloted into our planet as the were fleeing the wrath of Cardinal Syn with the Mutant Michael Jiz-Baby. I don’t know why it took 25 years, shit, it could of taken a lot longer! I have never met Ziltoid, I hear he is a total coffee freak. I don’t think I would bribe him, threats are more my style. I don’t think we are bringing the GWAR-b-q to England, though you certainly could use a good flesh-roasting. Blood in your pee means you are one hardcore mother fucker. Thanks for noticing!

I’m a mad scientist looking for some good land for my new doom fortress. Do you know of any good places in Antarctica for sale? Preferably near some penguin grounds… — ProfessorSponge

Stay the fuck away! We don’t take kindly to mad scientists moving into our neighborhood, we have enough problems with the locals without people like you feeding them strange chemicals and driving them into a frenzy at your stupid fucking mad scientist pep rallies. Why don’t you check out the North Pole? I hear the only person up there is that lame ass Santa Claus.

why dont u guys ever play in vegas anymore i remember 20 years ago u played here like every other month and when u do its never all ages so yhe young fucks of this age can see true music gods…and will u ever remake HELL-O.

Unfortunately ,nobody seems to want to have us come back there, as we tend to be very tough on upholstery. Sucks big time as well — we love playing Vegas and punishing our loyal fans there. Maybe if somebody would build a GWAR-proof venue or maybe we could lie and say we were some other band like Bad Religion, then show up and masturbate everywhere. And yes, we have thought of re-recording Hell-o and actually making it sound good… this time calling it Hell-o Again!

Well that’s it! These questions were pretty bad and the answers were even worse. But one thing is for sure — it could never be as bad as Vinnie Paul’s column! Get yer pull!

-Oderus Urungus

Life got ya confused? Don’t know where Mongolia is? Or perhaps you misplaced your cell phone… Don’t waste time eating a bullet… not yet, anyway! Just… ask Oderus!

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