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JUST WHAT THE WORLD NEEDED: A NEW BAND FEATURING MEMBERS OF OCEANO AND ROSE FUNORAL

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Oceano and Rose Funoral are the kinds of bands that make you wish the supervolcano under Yellowstone Park would just erupt already and end us all, and there’s no such thing as God, so, of course, some dudes from those bands have now joined up, Voltron-style, to make one supergroup of suckitude.

They’re called Serpents; their guitarist, Andrew Mikhail, used to be in Oceano, while their drummer, Dusty Boles, is still in Rose Funoral. They have a song streaming at Noisecreep. It seems like an especially lifeless,skill-less, atonal piece of work, even by generic deathcore standards.

Seriously, I am so over this style of metal I don’t even know where to begin. I hate to sound like my dad, but it really does just sound like noise to me — and not in an interesting, Portal sort of way. It’s like a mechanical monkey banging two cymbals together over and over again, only they’re not cymbals, they’re giant slabs of sheet metal. This garbage is migraine-inducing, and if a scientific study was released claiming that listening to it actually does make you stupider, I would not be surprised one bit.

The most interesting thing about Serpents, in fact, is not the song, or the band’s lineage, but, rather, this quote Mikhail gives to Noisecreep, explaining why he’s now in his third band in just the past year (post-Oceano, he has already been a member of Thick as Blood):

“In my opinion, it’s just like when a girl gets out of a long-term relationship. She wants to try as many dicks as she can, until she finds what she likes while sticking to what’s ‘normal’ for her.”

I want you to really let the charm and class of that quote sink in for a minute.

Jesus.

Harold.

Christ.

Maybe Mikhail has finally found the dick he’s looking for in Boles’ pole. Or maybe next month, he’ll start a band even worse than this one.

I already regret telling you about this group. Do me a favor and don’t go to Noisecreep to  listen to the song. In fact, just ignore this entire article, okay?

-AR

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