Hipsters Out Of Metal!


  • Anso DF

It’s hard to believe that any pertinent music news could even momentarily escape a hunky, cutting-edge metal columnist like me. The internet makes it near impossible to miss stuff, but, alas, it happens. But like everyone, I insure against oversights via a network of tipsters who phone, text, and email the living shit out of me when anything happens. Seriously, anything at all: Two dozen different sources alerted me last month to The Rose Funeral guy’s new boner pics.

So yes, the system is sound, but not without the occasional lapse. Example: My point person for shitty deathcore and DevilDriver has a foxy girlfriend who keeps me abreast of movement around bands like My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy. She’s whipsmart and awesome (though tin-eared), but the airhead never bothered to hip me to the December announcement that Paramore’s drummer and guitarist had departed the band (Partly for religious reasons! LOLz!). Come on, girl, jeez! I need to know this stuff! By the time I heard — from a freaking magazine — it was weeks too late for me and my drummer cousin to weasel an audition for this lucrative gig. Each of us has great hair/bod/jeans and uber-skillz and no objection whatsoever to the role of background scenery for singer Hayley Williams (NSFW); we would’ve been a perfect fit. Shit!

It pains me to have missed out on a shot at a Paramore-sized paycheck — gosh, not to mention all the scene chick groupie action. But my ignorance of the situation is understandable, ‘cuz I don’t reside in that pop-punk world. On the other hand, it is in wounded outrage that I accuse and censure each of my friends, colleagues, and industry contacts for not once informing me that there is a goddamn motherfucking deluxe edition of The Crown’s 2010 gem Doomsday King. Searches of all metal news outlets returned no mention of the two-disc edition prior to the February 4th unveiling of a slideshow video for the bonus disc’s only new original, “Falling ‘Neath The Heaven’s Sea” (above); I received no excited tips nor a press release. Unforgivable!

What the shit, people? You mean I could’ve been rocking four bonus Crown jamz this whole time, including reduxes of two standouts from their Eternal Death record? You mean I could’ve artificially solved Doomsday’s dynamics issues and zazz deficit with the insertion of “Falling,” a flowery, towering jam whose obvious value to the band is demonstrated by the fact that they released a video for it? You mean I could’ve been spreading word to fans of a bonery product by a peerlessly awesome band that’s historically been on uncertain financial ground? Well, I wish I’d known that, fuckerz!


Order the excellent two-disc edition of The Crown’s Doomsday King here. Then for fuck’s sake tip Anso to important shit like this at hipstersoutofmetal at gmail dot com.

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