Green Eggs and Slam

HOW TO PARTY, RINGWORM STYLE

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HOW TO PARTY, RINGWORM STYLE

As anyone else over 30 knows, there was once a time in which it was definitely not cool for hardcore bands to be into metal. It’s probably hard to imagine, but back in the early 90s hardcore and metal didn’t mix all that much, at least not to the extent that they do these days. I’m not sure they get the credit they deserve for it, but RINGWORM were true pioneers who blurred the boundaries between the two genres: they were one of the first overtly metal bands in the early 90s hardcore scene, or one of the few metal bands who had such overt hardcore influences, I’m not sure.

But that’s all nerdy bullshit for record collectors to argue about. The truth is that the only album of theirs I have ever owned or listened to is “The Promise,” which came out in 1993 (although I did get tattooed once by Human Furnace about 15 years ago). We are here to talk about something way more interesting.   These guys are no strangers to poor life choices, and since most of the readers here seem to be more interested in what kind of guitar strings the guy from Periphery uses than getting laid, I figured we should talk about getting wasted, banging strippers and other elements of HOW TO PARTY, RINGWORM STYLE!

Details on how to rage like it’s a Nunslaughter show at The Phantasy after the break!

Remastered demo version of “Blind To Faith,” from a 7″ that Dwid put out in 1995 or so with an issue of his zine, Blood Book — I really like the rawness of these versions

 

First of all, what does “partying” mean to Ringworm? Are we talking about having a kitten-themed birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, doing line after line with bartenders after the club closes, or somewhere in between??

Matt Sorg: Ringworm-style partying has always involved lots and lots of alcohol (beer, whiskey, vodka, moonshine, etc…).

Mike Lare: We rage.  We drink beer, do whiskey shots straight from the bottle, sing along to Kiss songs, yell, scream, piss on each other’s feet, laugh, argue about which is the better classic rock band/record. You know.  Good times.

Human Furnace: I party like Hugh. Surrounded by beautiful women, hot tub, rad tunes, beer, wine and moon-fuckn-shine!! I got fuckin’ class.

John Comprix: Partying in Ringworm is like being in an ol’ western. We’re cowboys. Drink straight from the bottle. Fuck everyone at the bars’ ol’ ladies and piss in the corner when we’re done.

Nothing is better than putting on some Youth of Today, fingerpointing and having a drunken dogpile with your bros when you are fucked up

When I am drunk and/or high, for some reason I get the urge to sing along to all the straightedge hardcore classics I liked when I was a kid. What is it about bands like Judge, Minor Threat, and 7 Seconds that makes them so awesome when you are wasted??

HF: Yeah, same here. We used to get hammered on whiskey and jam YOT, Bold, No for an Answer. I guess when the musics so good, you dont give a fuck what they’re talkng about.

Lare: Singing along to Minor Threat when you’re drunk makes you feel like you’re getting away with something.  It’s a satisfying feeling because A) the record is great and B) you’re hammered. Everybody wins.

Adam Carolla says the trick to knowing that a stripper will fuck you is getting her to tell you two things: her real name (it probably doesn’t say Champagne on her birth certificate) and what time she gets off. What do you think about that method? Pros and cons of banging strippers?

Lare: Banging a stripper is easier if you never even ask their name. Never ask a stripper anything, except “Do you want to party when you get off?”  She’ll offer up all the necessary info from that point.  Pros are they always have cash and drugs you can steal from them when they’re not looking.  Cons are they’ll steal your shit when you’re not looking

HF: Never get a dance from her if you want to fuck her. Then she’ll look at you like another customer. Definetely buy her drinks, tho. Having cocaine or weed to offer her helps immensely. And of course, the toughest part, you’ll have to talk to her. Tell her you’re in a band and you know the guys in Nickelback or Disturbed. If she’s all excited, go with it. If not, tell her that you met them, and they’re total douchebags. Whatever the situation calls for. But by all means, keep the conversation sexual, but not too creepy, and don’t let her talk about her kids. (Believe me, she wants to live in a fantasy world just like you do, so don’t bring reality into it.) Then, find out what time she gets off work, and tell her you’ll get a hotel room and want to go party. DO NOT bring her to your place OR go to her place! If she says “ok,” yer fuckin’. Pros — if yer smooth enough, you can get her to bring along one of girlfriend dancers (which they’ll wanna do anyway, because you’re a creep), and if you don’t score with either or both, perhaps, you can watch them fuck each other. Plus, actions of such moral deprivaty are good for the soul. Cons — Unfortunetely, you might have to spent some money.

THERE IS NO GOD

Uppers or downers? Or both? I feel like people are usually one or the other, unless they are both which means they are complete trainwrecks. You??

Matt: A few years ago I was into both, but now I just like to drink and smoke a little weed.

Lare: Uppers.  Sleep when you’re dead.

HF: Used to do both. I never sleep regardless, so uppers don’t hold that much appeal to me anymore. Downers? I’m always tired so I don’t really need them.

Speaking of uppers, I love cocaine, but I don’t love the side effects of doing too much. Nothing is worse than when you’ve been partying with some chick but can’t get a boner because you did one too many lines, and I also hate that part where you aren’t high anymore, but you can’t go to sleep.

HF: Man, I used to do tons of coke. But I could never do a little. It was ALL IN, EVERY TIME. Grew outta that shit, tho. You end up hangin’ with the worst people ever, and I hang with enough of them already. Besides, I HATE the sound of chirping birds. Kinda hate that shit now, but, of course, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it again.

Lare: That’s when you introduce the Blumpkin to the party.

Matt: I got tired of seeing the sun come up and hearing the birds chirp all the time. I still like a key bump from time to time just to keep the party going, though.

Obviously hot female groupies are the best part of playing music, but since you are a metal band, that means you probably also have to deal with lots of fatties and/or male groupies. How do you get rid of them to make room for the sluts, but without offending them (so they still buy some merch)?

John: For the fatties, I rub Lare down in a nice marinade and they flock to him. For the dudes, I tell ’em I have to take a shit and I’ll be back, then beeline to the bar.

Lare: Invite them backstage anyway.  Once the sluts see pigs heading backstage with the band, they want to know why they were passed over. They’ll find a way to get our attention, and we’ll bring them back and just ignore the chompy broads.  If they’re backstage, they’ve already bought merch anyway, so it’s all good.

HF: Well, if they are dudes, the only reason they are backstage is if they have a hot girlfriend we can commandeer. As for the sluts and the large girls, if they haven’t bought anything, there are ways to get free merch.

Matt: The only girls at our shows are there with their boyfriends. Lare still manages to make something happen sometimes, though. They can’t resist his hairy beast-like charms. Overall, though, we aren’t gonna give the Crue a run for their money in that department.

HOW TO PARTY, RINGWORM STYLE

The only cool straightedge tattoo I have ever seen

It makes me really sad when I see kids wasting their youth on being straightedge, because I know how much fun I missed out on by making the same mistake. What would you tell a young guy who is going down the wrong path, pissing away his life by avoiding drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous sex?

John: Tell ’em if he stays on this terrible path he’ll grow a vagina on the underside of his dick and his balls will turn into tits.

Lare: Do you want to live forever?  I don’t. I want to have as much fun as I can while I’m here, and I’m not spending my days doing things like eating carrot sticks and drinking seaweed smoothies.  Paul Bearer from Sheer Terror said it best: “Shut up, drink up, be someone!”

HF: The worst thing you can do is not start drinking till you’re older. You have no idea what the fuck you are doing, have no idea how to drink, or how to be drunk. There’s nothing more annoying than a 25-30 something year old highs chool drunk. Thats why your girlfriend wants to bang us. So keep it up, we don’t mind at all.

Matt: Most of the kids with the drug free tats and all that end up trashing eventually. The plus side is that since they spent their 20’s clean and sober, they’ll be trashing ten years after we die of liver failure.

My philosophy on safe sex has always been, “Fuck it, by the time I get full blown AIDS they’ll have a cure,” but I guess I am a little behind the times on that. What do YOU do when a girl/guy is DTF but you don’t have a condom?

HF: There’s many creative options. Perhaps you can get a handjob and blow it on her tits? There’s really no losers in that scenario, right? Its all in good fun. Getting your dick fucked up or knocking some chick up is not on the program.

Lare: Make her go buy one for me.  She’s not ruining my dick.  I love that thing.

John: Use Lare’s dick. Or a dirty ziplock baggy from our van.

HOW TO PARTY, RINGWORM STYLE

I guess that’s why I like them so much

Sometimes I feel like i was robbed because I grew up in the late 80s/early 90s. Back then you had to date a girl for months before you could even get to third base, but from what I can tell these days girls are all about anal on the first date or whatever. Am I crazy? What do you think about the differences between then and now?

John: Due to the fact that there’s more hormones and steroids in the food they eat now, their assholes are bigger so it doesn’t hurt so bad.

Lare: I agree with you.  We’re older, too, so we’ve all seen that trend. Personally, I couldn’t be happier about it.  I applaud the young ladies for having the fortitude to do as they please.  Especially when it’s with me.

HF: I dunno, who fuckin’ knows. Chicks can be nice and they can be dirty sluts, most like to be both, but don’t want the rep of the latter. If a young lady likes to bang, I can respect that.

Catch Ringworm on tour now, and look for their new album, Scars, out July 19 on leading independent music retailer VICTORY RECORDS!! You can stream the title track here.

-Sergeant D.

Sergeant D. parties parties parties every day at Stuff You Will Hate.

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