What the...??


  • Axl Rosenberg


“Oh, yeah, let’s definitely have this guy on the jury. No objections, Your Honor.”

I have jury duty later this month, and I’m pretty irritated about it. But I think I have a way out. See, my plan is to wear the ugliest death metal and grind band shirts I own to the court (finalists include merch from Cannibal Corpse, Napalm Death, and The Black Dahlia Murder), my assumption being that no lawyer would ever want a dude wearing a shirt that says “THE TIME TO KILL IS NOW” or has zombies on it or whatever to be on a jury. If the jury has been convened for a violent crime, then having me present in such attire would be totally inappropriate, and it might be deduced that I do, indeed, endorse violence; if the jury has been convened for some lesser-crime, the lawyers will assume I’m an imbecilic degenerate, and I’ll be home in time for The Simpsons. Either way, I win! Foolproof plan, right?

Yeah, I thought so, too. But I’m feeling a little less confidence in my scheme after reading on Classic Rock‘s website that AXL FUCKING ROSE had to be on a jury earlier this week, and if he can get stuck there, none of us are safe:

“The Guns N’ Roses singer has been on the jury for a civil case in Santa Monica. He was there for four days, ending on Tuesday, January 10. Of course some will wonder if he managed to turn up on time each day!”

Cheesy jokes about whether or not he was on time every day, HOLY SHIT DO YOU THINK HE WAS ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLING BEING ON TIME EVER AT ALL? I can’t imagine the lawyers questioning him to see if he would or would not remain on the jury didn’t know who he was, and I can’t imagine the question “Is this fucker ever going to show up?” never crossed their minds. Other possible concerns I’d have if I were one of the attorneys involved in this case:

  • Is he the least bit in touch with reality?
  • Is he gonna get really angry about something and flip his shit?
  • Is he gonna leap out of the jury box and hit someone?
  • Is he gonna point at someone in the court and scream “SECURITY, THAT FUCKER IS LOOKING AT ME SIDEWAYS. GET THAT FUCKER OUTTA HERE!!!”?
  • Is he gonna try and sue me for selecting him?
  • Is he gonna take thirteen years to cast a vote in the decision?
  • Will he blame that delay on all the other jurors, the attorneys, the judge, the plaintiff, and the defendant?
  • Is there a snowball’s chance in hell I’m gonna be able to concentrate and do my job at all with Axl fucking Rose sitting ten feet away the entire time?

Seriously, I just can’t see how having Axl Rose on a jury is a good idea at all. I kinda think either the lawyers were just out of fucking options somehow, or otherwise just do not actually take their jobs seriously in the slightest and thought, “Aw, fuck it, this’ll be a story to tell someday.” Axl Rose isn’t the best candidate to walk calmly through an airport, let alone make serious decisions about an actual legal case.

I’m sure there’s a Twelve Angry Men joke to be made here, but I can’t seem to find it. Please feel free to suggest one in the comments section. Also please feel free to photoshop Axl into the poster for the movie Jury Duty.


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