• Axl Rosenberg

I’m going to put about as much effort into this introduction as the writers of The Artist put into that movie’s dialogue.

First up we have Anthrax’s new video, for “The Devil You Know.” The song is catchy as heckfire, but it’s really just a boring clip video, with a bunch of footage of shit the band did in the months since Worship Music has been released. The only thing even kinda interesting about it is that there’s a bunch of Yankees shit in there, which will make Vince mad. But it’s not even like he’s gonna get upset enough to burn all his ‘Thrax albums, so that’s no fun.

[UPDATE: Embeds have been disabled, so go watch the video here.]

So yesterday I made a crack about how the new Iced Earth video is so boring I couldn’t find the motivation to make fun of it, and I still can’t. It’s basically like the Anthrax video, only Iced Earth never get to play Yankee Stadium or whatever. I’m not knocking the song or even the band, mind you — just the soporific video. I guess, at the very least, it’s great to see Stu Block doing something productive.

Next up is Evanescence’s video for “My Heart is Broken.” In the clip, Amy Lee flails around like an idiot in an obviously-fake field and pulls a Mr. Miyagi on Tinkerbell, while every now and then the rest of the band is allowed to remind the viewer that they exist. And to this video’s credit, it does have far, far more interesting visuals than the Anthrax or Iced Earth vids. And not at all to its credit, it has an Evanescence song in it instead of an Anthrax or Iced Earth song.

Next up is Maylene and the Sons of Disaster’s latest, “Open Your Eyes,” which debuted on FEARnet. This video stars the great Danny Trejo, who was somehow NOT nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his performance in last year’s A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas. I assume he wasn’t nominated due to racism. Fucking racism is always holding Danny Trejo back, man. Even this video is racist! They subtitle all of the conversations, because they assume we won’t be able to understand the Mexicans, even though there is no actual dialogue in the video. Like, hel-LLLLOOOO. It doesn’t need subtitles, we can’t understand it anyway! So dumb, y’all.

And we conclude today with Dr. Acula’s new video, for the song “Party 2.0.” This is another cocktarded video for a cocktarded song from a cocktarded band. Although it does have naked boobs in it. So, in that sense, it’s actually the best video of 2012 thus far.


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