Green Eggs and Slam

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY from leading independent music retailer VICTORY RECORDS


Leading independent music retailer VICTORY RECORDS has a special Valentine’s Day gift for you: the exclusive, limited-time chance to design your own PACKAGE DEAL!!

For You and Your Sweetie package deal, offers two shirts for $25 plus FREE shipping on the rest of your order ($7 for international). Choose one shirt for your Valentine, then choose one for yourself. After all, you deserve it for being so thoughtful. Also, take advantage of the free shipping by loading up on additional items from the Victory Records webstore. No Valentine? Go ahead and spoil yourself. Don’t miss out on this sweet deal.

IMO package deals are just the latest example of VICTORY RECORDS’ long history of innovative ideas. They offer consumers a great value for their hard-earned dollar, and give Victory a chance to get rid of outdated, shitty product that won’t sell at full price– everybody wins! It’s sort of like how at Olive Garden you can sample wine for 25 cents, only with breakdowns!!

After the break, a few of my favorite SKUs from this exciting marketing initiative– which will YOU choose for YOUR package deal???

With the “cartoon drawings of neon-colored monsters” industry at an all-time low, this package deal is a great way for Victory to get rid of excess inventory AND show Wall Street that they have an exit strategy for the scene market.

As first I was going to say something about how this shirt reflects how all teenage girls wistfully dream about being swept off their feet by some dashing boy, but after looking at it a little more I think they just took some wedding clipart off of one of those CD-ROMs you can get at Staples and put “A DAY TO REMEMBER” under it.

You might not think that a drawing of some girl getting murdered is appropriate for Valentine’s Day, but IMO it works in this case. 90% of Aiden fans are crazy girls with low self-esteem, and as we all know those girls usually like to get roughed up a little in bed. So really this shirt is just like a sign that says “Sup, broken girls who are DTF.” In other words, a great idea!

This EMMURE shirt says “SLAVE TO THE GAME” on it in big block letters. Only instead of just typing out the letters in the same font, the designer put a clever twist on it: each of the words share the same giant, interlocking “E” at the end! I assume that “E” refers to “EMMURE,” which is the name of the band. Either that, or this shirt is in Latvian and just says “SLAV TO TH GAM,” whatever that means in their krazy language (probably some anti-Muslim slogan).

I shudder to think of how many dumpy girls will try to squeeze their fat arms into these sleeves :( You can almost hear the cotton fibers screaming out in agony.

If your sweetie is a lesbot, then this OTEP shirt is the perfect gift for her! I can’t tell you anything more about it because it just looks like a big smear of red and yellow in this thumbnail, but I am sure it has something to do with being a strong, independent woman.

Not sure what this graphic is either, but since it’s a BTBAM shirt, it might as well just be foreveralone.jpg… which makes it the perfect illustration of every BTBAM fan’s Valentine’s Day!

Speaking of forever alone, this unfortunate kid is wearing the ADTR “Girls Are Mean” shirt, which has a poorly drawn cartoon girl tearing the heart out of a poorly drawn boy. That’s bad enough, but what’s worse is that there’s photo documentation of his awkward transition between ‘old skool punk rocker’ and hardcore/scene kid.

Which designs will YOU be including in your VALENTINES DAY PACKAGE DEAL??? Is this VICTORY RECORDS’ best marketing initiative yet?? Is there any better vagina repellent than a BTBAM shirt????

-Sergeant D.

Sergeant D. teaches you about romance every day at Stuff You Will Love.

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