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RIGHT NOW! METALSUCKS LIVEBLOGS THE REVOLVER GOLDEN GODS AWARDS

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The Revolver Golden Gods Awards event is totally fun, so it’s a bummer that every metalhead — from the most cynical tr00ist to the cheeriest rock animal — can’t attend to party among our heavy metal heavyweights. But hurrah! this year’s celebration and performances are beaming to your home via livecast (here)! Fuck yeah, dude!

On the slate are live jamz from Trivium, Sixx: A.M., Slash, Marilyn Manson, Korn, and Yngwie Malmsteen, as well as appearances by Alice Cooper, Tenacious D, Lemmy, Anthrax, and motherfucking RUSH. Oh yeah, and the Best Vocalist, Guitarist, Drummer, Bassist, Live Band, Comeback, and International Band awards presentations! It’s hours of heavy metal fun, back-patting, fun-patting, backs, buns, and fatties! Believe it!

So link up with the simulcast and join me, Anso DF, after the jump as I live-blog from the comfort of my totally not court-ordered drug counseling retreat just minutes from the Golden Gods blast. Click the shit out of your refresh button to follow along!

6:06 PM The livecast is underway! Find it here.

6:07 PM Pre-show hosts Dee Snider and Lizzie Hale are on the Black Carpet with Quiet Riot’s Frankie Banali; up on the concourse, Jose Mangin of Sirius XM and MTV’s Headbangers Ball is flanked by ticketholders and totally pumped!

6:11 PM NEW ARRIVAL Black Veil Brides tell Lizzie that rock music is coming back, Chris Brown is on the way out. I imagine they mean on the way out to get a Hefty bag of weed.

6:13 PM NEW ARRIVAL Dee is joined by Asking Alexandria, whose singer Dee describes as a narcissist. One of those got me busted for ludes once.

6:17 PM Jose interviews this hot chick fan (right) who’s toting a sign expressing a disregard for haters. Nothing says “You don’t bother me” like a sign made to read “You don’t bother me.”

6:20 PM NEW ARRIVAL After co-host Lizzie Hale and Amy Lee share a hug, co-host Dee Snider commiserates with the non-Lee part of Evanescence about backing a female singer. “It sucks!” To Lee and Lizzie: “No offense.”

6:25 PM VIDEO Halestorm’s “Love Bites (And So Do I)” I’ve seen this video already today. I’m qualified to totally agree that she bites.

6:29 PM NEW ARRIVAL Vinnie Paul and Hellyeah! join Lizzie and Dee to talk Band Of Brothers, two years of touring, and Twisted Sisiter. Blowin’ minds with that Skinny Puppy tee brah.

6:34 PM It’s clear to me that energetic co-host Jose Mangin has defied my wishes to lay off my fucking cocaine.

6:37 PM Lizzie Hale is informed by a member of Marilyn Manson’s band — Paley McHatGuy — that years ago as a Little Caesers staffer he prepared a pizza for the just-out-of-earshot Dee Snider. Dude hastens to point out that he didn’t jack off onto it.

6:40 PM NEW ARRIVAL Brendon Small tells Dee that episode six of Dethklok‘s upcoming season features a guest appearance by Mad Men‘s Jon Hamm. I hope animators accurately render his majestic butt-chin.

6:43 PM Jose Mangin speaks to a third fan who’s attending mostly to see Marilyn Manson. Jose: “Would you do cut off a finger for him?” Fan: “I’d cut off my whole hand.” And we’d use that hand to beat you to death.

6:45 PM VIDEO FLASHBACK “Die By The Sword” by Slash from a previous Golden Gods night. Andrew Stockdale of Wolfmother is singing. Sorry, that should read “singing.”

6:48 PM NEW ARRIVAL Lacuna Coil is shuffled along to make room for Lemmy, who is trampled by Dee’s first plug of the night for his forthcoming memoirs. Yngwie strolls by; each comments on Malmsteen’s um physique? Girth? Gourmandism?

6:55 PM NEW ARRIVAL Trivium and Megadeth’s David Ellefson and Chris Broderick take a moment to lament to Dee and Lizzie the lack of a “scene” on the Sunset Strip. Dude on Sunset and Doheny two nights ago I barfed into a convertible filled with midgets. It was a fucking scene, trust me.

7:03 PM NEW ARRIVAL Zakk Wylde plans to launch a line of Black Label men’s lingerie this summer. Chris Jerico takes credit for the idea. Who’s taking credit for that jacket (right)?
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7:07 PM VIDEO FLASHBACK
Stone Sour with Duff McKagan “It’s So Easy.” Shit, I mean Avenged Sevenfold with Duff McKagan. You can tell cuz A7X has a lefty guitarist.
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7:10 PM NEW ARRIVAL Taylor Momsen from Pretty Reckless and Gossip Girl: “The songwriting process can be long. It’s always a long one for me.” THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
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7:13 PM Momsen said she’s looking forward to all the performers, and that she might have a special surprise later. Um who told her about my plans to dickpaper her hotel room?
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7:17 PM NEW ARRIVAL For John 5 and crew, Dee unveils his awesome Gene Simmons impression. “I want $2 from each of you bands cuz you learned from KISS.”
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7:21 PM Jose Mangin: “It’s a mind-F!”
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7:23 PM NEW ARRIVAL Mike Portnoy and Adrenaline Mob reunite with guest singer Lizzie Hale (from their album Omerta‘s Duran Duran cover “Come Undone”). And Dee Snider reunites with guest drummer Mike Portnoy (“Mack The Knife” from Dee’s Broadway thing). The other AdMob guys reunite with watching Portnoy talk about Dream Theater.
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7:28 PM NEW ARRIVAL Shawn Crahan of Slipknot (right, with Corey Taylor and um um that dude) just solemnly vowed to investigate allegations that Dave Matthews wore one of their masks.
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7:31 PM Jose’s up top with yet another fan who seems perfectly reasonable yet wants to see Marilyn Manson tonight.
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7:33 PM NEW ARRIVAL There’s a band called Seether. They tour with Nickelback. Moving right along …
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7:37 PM NEW ARRIVAL Like Taylor Momsen, Slash (right) hints at a “real surprise” in his set. Then Dee says Alice Cooper is the surprise. Sarcastic slow clap :)
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7:40 PM Slash declined to comment on today’s report that Axl Rose will not accept a Hall Of Fame induction nor perform at the ceremony. Steven Adler laughs at Dee’s renaming of his old band: Rose ‘N Roses.
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7:42 PM VIDEO FLASHBACK “Mouth For War” Avenged Sevenfold with Mike Portnoy. I don’t struggle to believe that A7X has some good jamz. But can anyone point me to a single compelling A7X live performance? Rhetorical question of course!
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7:46 PM VIDEO FLASHBACK “I’m Eighteen” by The Original Alice Cooper Band. I always chuckle about something Dee once said on his House Of Hair radio show about Vincent Furnier’s former bandmates: “When your singer changes his legal name to the name of your band, you know you’re about to lose some money.”
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7:50 PM VIDEO FLASHBACK “The Final Episode (Let’s Change The Channel)” by Asking Alexandria. Yeah, you and your gf broke up. U mad bro?
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7:54 PM ON STAGE Jose Mangin just mentioned that his birthday is tomorrow! I take that shit back about my cocaine — help yourself, dude! BRO HUGZ!
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7:58 PM VIDEO The world premiere of Pantera’s “Piss” video. It’s totally unlike the other piss videos I’ve seen. Way more dudes and hair, for starters. Cough.
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***8:00 PM THE REVOLVER GOLDEN GODS AWARDS BEGINS!***
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8:04 PM ON STAGE A very special performance of the national anthem by … Yngwie Malmsteen of Sweden. Huh. The flags and military salute are corny, but Malmsteen’s whole vibe is a perfect fit. Think about it!
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8:08 PM ON STAGE Sixx: A.M. performs “This Is Gonna Hurt,” a jam that’s uncomfortably similar to “When Worlds Collide” by Powerman 5000. But not as good. Yes, I realize what I’m saying lol.
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8:12 PM ON STAGE Sixx: A.M. performs “Are You With Me.” No I sure the fuck am not! This Creed Rock, man. It’s gotta die.
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8:18 PM ON STAGE After a nod to Yngwie Malmsteen’s national anthem performance, host Chris Jericho, a native of Canada, cheers “USA!” at the crowd. Finally one of those pussies admits it.
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8:22 PM ON STAGE Jericho and Zakk Wylde do comedy (below)! CUTE!
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8:24 PM AWARD PRESENTATION The Cult’s Billy Duffy joins Wylde to give the Best Guitarist Award to the guys from Black Veil Brides. Losers: The duos of Lamb Of God, Megadeth, Trivium, Machine Head, and Five Finger Death Punch.
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8:28 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Hellyeah! gives the Best Drummer Award to a video clip of Jeremy Spencer from Five Finger Death Punch. Losers: Mark Adler (Lamb Of God), Taylor Hawkins (Foo Fighters), Brann Dailor (Mastodon), Charlie Benante (Anthrax), Tomas Haake (Meshuggah).
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8:33 PM PERFORMANCE Brendon Small and I think Tim Lambesis (?) from As I Lay Dying introduce Trivium, whose singer Matt Heafy takes the mic to loudly macho-guilt the audience into raging to the title track of his band’s new album. Cuz that’s how it works. Just bark your orders, dude. We’re at your service.
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8:42 PM CONFUSION Wait is this still the same Trivium song? It’s been like nine minutes. What is going on? What’s new with you? I’m in a bit of a mess but how’s your life? Partying I hope? What you guys think about crazy old Axl Rose declining to join the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame? Nice Lakers win tonight, huh? Hey I’m only 15 minutes from my night meds. So this live-blog might get a little gooey :) Fair warning!
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8:44 PM PERFORMANCE For Trivium’s final jam, they welcome Machine Head’s Robb Flynn and Slipknot’s Corey Taylor to the stage for Metallica’s “Creeping Death.” Again, we’re ordered to cheer for Trivium. Bands like this are like a gf who commands you to get a boner but she’s like sitting on your nutz. To each I say: Do something boner-worthy and we’re good to go.
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8:53 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Three Slipknot guys present the Paul Gray Best Bassist award to Nikki Sixx, who points out that these awards are determined by fan votes. That segues nicely into my non-snooty reminder that fans who vote for goofy awards are people who really like guys like Sixx, Black Veil Brides, and Five Finger Death Punch. Let’s not hurt our butts on this. Allow the kids some fun! Losers: Frank Bello (Anthrax), Michael Anthony (Chickenfoot), Fieldy (Korn), David Ellefson (Megadeth), Wolfgang Van Halen (Van Halen).
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8:56 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Sixx stays on stage to present the Golden God Award to Gene Simmons of Kiss. Later tonight, Simmons will accept the MetalSucks Festering Pile Of Shit Award from last year’s winner, Dave Mustaine.
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8:58 PM PERFORMANCE Alice Cooper notes to the audience that “rock is anemic” these days, and implies that Black Veil Brides represent a solution to this. Then Black Veil Brides start playing a song. Two minutes til my night pills. I’m pacing near the door to my suite.
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9:03 PM PERFORMANCE In the latest in a seemingly endless series of nauseating old man-young band pairings, BVBs are joined by Dee Snider for the Twisted Sister classic “I Wanna Rock.” What better way for a young band to say, “We are actively seeking fans who are older than 22.” Then they play another song and fuck my meds are late.
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9:11 PM PERFORMANCE In a brief screed to the haters that, again, don’t bother guys like him at all but seem to warrant constant mention, BVBs singer Andy Biersack stated his awareness that many think of his band as “emo faggots” and encouraged all to go home and “blog about how gay [the Black Veil Brides] are.” And to think, dude could’ve cheered his followers and greased potential fans and the undecided. Instead he climbed up on his cross and cried like an emo faggot. Then his gay-ass band played a fourth song.
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9:18 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Jack Black and Kyle Gass of Tenacious D present the Ronnie James Dio Lifetime Achievement Award to Rush, whose Neil Peart is present to accept. According to Peart, Geddy Lee is in Japan smelling the cherry blossoms and Alex Lifeson is in Toronto smelling Geddy Lee’s unders. I might have transcribed that last part inaccurately.
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9:24 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Duff McKagan presents the Riff Lord Award to Slash. McKagan (right) is really starting to resemble my Aunt Mary, execpt one of them has stopped Hoovering blow and filching money from my grandma. Try and guess which one — I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Losers: Scott Ian (Anthrax), Zakk Wylde (Black Label Society), Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters), Munky (Korn), Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen).
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9:29 PM PERFORMANCE Lacuna Coil singer Cristina Scabbia takes a break from drawing pictures of my butt and joins pre-show co-host Lizzie Hale to introduce Evanescence, who spend three songs still feeling a lot of pain and wanting to break through and reminding someone what love is. In other news, I’ve been informed that I don’t get night meds today as “amends” for my little outburst in group today. It’s not like I don’t have proof that the Japanese paint-huffing guy in the next suite put a camera in my toilet: AnsoToiletCam.co.jp da yo!
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9:41 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Burton C. Bell and Dino Cazares of Fear Fattory present the Best Comback Award to Slipknot whose nomination doesn’t really make sense. But on the other hand, who gives a shit. Okay I apologize for snapping at you like that. I know it’s not your fault. I’m the only one to blame for my behavior this morning. Man I really had my heart set on those night-night pillz. Losers: Anthrax, Dream Theater, Ministry, Evanescence, Ministry, Van Halen.

9:44 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Hey speaking of Japanese guys you can’t trust near your shitter, the men of Anthrax present the Best International Band Award to X-Japan, whose drummer/pianist Yoshiki gives the night’s most gracious acceptance speech. Cool guy. Losers: Behemoth, Rammstein, Lacuna Coil, Sepultura, Meshuggah.

9:49 PM PERFORMANCE Lemmy and Lita Ford bring Slash and band to the stage. The curfew at this 100%-not-imposed-on-me-by-state-officials addiction treatment facility approaches. But I have time to wonder if Slash, the winner of the Riff Lord Award (see above), ever wrote a decent riff? “Sweet Child O’ Mine” worked out, but the others were Izzy’s and I’ll be darned if I can think of anything tasty post-Guns. Anybody help? P.S. His tone is wack now.

 10:06 PM PERFORMANCE It’s past lights-out here but shhh I’m still on top of this very fun Golden Gods jam. Headphones aren’t allowed so my volume is low on Alice Cooper and Slash’s jam of “School’s Out.” But they look super hot (right)!

10:12 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Dude I’m so pumped that we’re all watching this together — we have a chance to team-gawk at Steve Vai’s super-long alien fingers! FREAKY! Anyway, Vai and ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons present the Best Live Band Award to Avenged Sevenfold. Somebody in the band tells the crowd that the AX7 doesn’t deserve the honors. Ahem, hey fella, do I come to your job and start singing like a douche? Well okay then let me do my fucking thing here and point out that you bumchums don’t deserve the shit. Thank youuu. Losers: Foo Fighters, Guns ‘N Roses, Judas Priest, Seether, Tool.

10:15 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Dee Snider takes the stage a second time to join Hatebreed’s Jamey Jasta in giving out the Best Singer Award to Amy Lee of Evanescence. I love Dee Snider. Losers: Sebastian Bach, Andy Biersack (Black Veil Brides), James Durbin, Ivan Moody (Five Finger Death Punch), Jonathan Davis (Korn).

10:18 PM Chris Jericho and Aerosmith’s Joe Perry do comedy! CUTENESS x1000!

10:20 PM AWARD PRESENTATION Buckcherry guys present the Most Metal Athlete to C.M. Punk. Moar liek See ‘Im Spunk, amirite?

10:22 PM AWARD PRESENTATION James Durbin and a homeless/hipster give the Most Dedicated Fans Award to Avenged Sevenfold. Their lefty guitarist, Wykked Bonerz or whatever, promptly embarrasses me and all lefty guitarists by taking the award super seriously. Perspective alert, brah.

10:25 PM AWARD PRESENTATION The Avenged Sevenfold guys stick around to present Korn with the Best Album Award for The Path Of Totality. Their awesome drummer Ray Luzier accepts. Did you ever hear that Army Of Anyone album he played on? Fuck dude! Losers: Anthrax/”Warship” Music, Five Finger Death Punch/American Capitalist, Foo Fighters/Wasting Light, Lamb Of God/Resolution.

10:28 PM PERFORMANCE Host Chris Jericho follows clips of Marilyn Manson ranting about the persecution of the West Memphis Three with a rant about the persecution of the West Memphis Three. He is then joined by Damien Echols of the West Memphis Three. As Echols movingly thanks Manson and the welcoming Golden Gods crowd, one attendee is heard bellowing “Jeffrey Dahmer!” You stay classy, metal people.

10:32 PM PERFORMANCE To preface his mini-set, Marilyn Manson thanks Echols, his “very good friend” whom it’s been “13 years since” he met. Then he launches into his first song, “The Dope Show,” with his to-be tour mate Taylor Momsen (right). But back to that little speech: To recap, I’ll list Manson’s two points: He’s friends with the recently freed victim of false triple-homicide charges; he met the poor guy more than a decade ago. LOLZ probably could’ve said something meaningful there, brah.

10:45 PM PERFORMANCE Manson is joined by actor Johnny Depp (right) for “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)” and “The Beautiful People.” That might upset or disappoint you, seeing as Depp is too rad to party with reeky Manson instead of with you. But hey, it’s his life. If it makes you feel better, I suspect his guitar wasn’t plugged in?

10:53 PM ON STAGE Host Chris Jericho closes this year’s gala with a robust thank-you to sponsors, to ticketholders, and in a series of super-secret gestures and sounds known only to us, to me Anso DF, this year’s winner of the Golden God Award for Metal Dude Most In Need Of Drugz Right Now! Good night from Los Angeles, California and thank YOU for reading!

–ADF

Catch the replay of the 2012 Revolver Golden Gods Awards presented by Epiphone on XBOX Live. Feel free to stuff drugz up your butt and visit me at my in-no-way-forced-on-me-in-exchange-for-dropping-the-charges substance abuse resolution center now now now!

All images courtesy of Revolver Golden Gods Awards.

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