Last week, we launched our fourth annual “Run MetalSucks for a Day” contest, in which we challenged you, our beloved readers, to tell us why we suck for a chance to take over the site on Friday, September 28. As has been the case with every year, we had a whole lotta great entries, but we’ve narrowed ’em down to eight finalists who made us laugh the hardest. They are, in alphabetical order: 365 Days of Horror, Billy Banks, Anthony Gobeille, Justanotherfanboy, L. Mounts, Ben Robson, Andrew Schneider, and Fred Wurst.

What happens next is up to you guys! You can read all the finalists’ entries after the jump; then, anytime between now and  midnight EST on Friday, September 21, vote for who you think should take over MetalSucks for a day. We’ll announce the winner on Saturday, September 22, and then it’s up to that winner to, y’know, do our job for us for twenty-four hours.

The voting ballot and the finalists’ entries are after the jump… good luck to all the finalists!!!

-Axl & Vince

Finalists’ entries, in alphabetical order:

365 Days of Horror

You suck because you haven’t exposed Dave Mustaine for planning 9/11. I mean, why doesn’t he say that he DIDN’T plan 9/11? What is he hiding? Why does Dave Mustaine hate America? Mustaine sounds foreign, I don’t think he was born in this country.  Where was Dave Mustaine in the days leading up to 9/11? Why did he make a song called “Moto Psycho” if he’s NOT insane? Metalsucks needs to do their journalistic duty and explain Dave Mustaine’s hatred for America. Oh, and maybe ask him to fall asleep on his arm again.

Billy Banks

MetalSucks sucks because they gave me herpes and do not cover Exodus nearly enough. I wont win this, but i just wanted to tell people of the herp you gave me.

Anthony Gobeille

Metalsucks sucks because they write about why metal sucks. Metal does not suck, metal is glorious and righteous and true. Metal blazes with the power of the dragonflame deep within my stalwart heart, allowing me to power through all the truly terrible things in the world. Things like haters, trolls, and facebook politics/religion fights.

Metalsucks sucks because you give us mixed signals as to your true purpose. You troll the fine establishment that is best-metal-drummers with the #1 spot being given to Scott Hull, and then post videos about metal dudes telling other metal dudes how to stand up to trolls.

So lets get to the point here Vince/Axel. Are you trying to go out with me or not?!?! I GET IT. YOUR JOKE TO YOURSELF IS TO GET ME TO SAY: I’M CONFUSED ABOUT YOUR STANCE ON THINGS.


Two words: Scott Hull

L. Mounts

You guys suck because you collaborated with Lou Reed and made a double album about some German plays that nobody’s ever fucking heard of. Go make like tables and rot in hell.

Ben Robson

I read the website Metalsucks. It isn’t very good.
They very, very rarely post a goddamn thing they should.
They’re liberal elitists, and they’re prissy, penile pricks
They slobber on Misha Mansoor and Devin Townsend’s dicks

These bovine, blabb’ring blowhards blog their bulbous, biased bile
They stain the name of Dave Mustaine as if he were on trial
Axl complains at length about Metallica’s decline
But no one cares in 2012, you stupid, stoner swine

Vince neilstein is a secret corporation market spy
Who uses Metalsucks as a billboard for Spotify
I sure am glad you told me ’bout it. thanks a million, gent!
Now when I hear a song, the band gets one-tenth of a cent!

Your number one best drummer doesn’t even play the drums.
Your number one guitarist is a bum with seven thumbs.
Your musically illiterate opinions are absurd.
Your thoughts are illegitimate, a literary turd.

Shut up, you bumbling, fumbling, yapping claptrap crapping snots
I hope you drown in fecal liquid, gargling buckshot
Your best bet is to cede your worthless site to Sergeant D
But he can’t win, so why don’t you just give the keys to me?

Andrew Schneider

First of all, I haven’t seen one scathing article about Emmure or Felatio Voyeur Afficianado Frankie Palmieri in at least two weeks.  Top of my to do list would be to commission a “Day in the Life Of” style photo essay, curated by that guy at those shows with separate handheld flash attachment…cuz like, you know he’s serious about his craft and would do a good job.  Second, I think you are extremely remiss in your coverage of Latvanian Doom Grindstep, I mean seriously, my next order of business would be an extensive retrospective.  Third, I’d probably do something a little lighter, like Tosin Abasi five favorite djent “bowdowdow” noises of 2012 so far.  Oh and finally I’d make some sweet sleeveless shirts for the merch store.  I’m tired of having to cut all the sleeves off your shirts myself.

Fred Wurst

-You fap over Sevendust and The Haunted
-You have those dumb ads where you accidently click and go to some other webpage
-You’re not actually Vince Neil and Axl Rose
-You’re Jewish
-Reading Sergeant D posts still gives me the feeling of King Kong impaling his dark rod of destruction up my anus
-You still can’t spell Suiside correctly
-You’d rather post a negative review for some shitty band we’ve never heard of than a new Destruction song preview
-You celebrate Hanukkah
-The Metalsucks Mansion Monkeys throw shit at me when I walk by
-The Metalsucks Mansion is actually the bathroom in a McDonalds with free wi-fi
-You deny that Christ is the lord and savior
-We all know that that John Retardy guy is just you two trolling so stop it its more annoying than those fucking monkeys with the clapping cymbals
-You fantasize about the smell of Devin Townsend’s anus
-While sniffing Misha Mansoor’s farts
-You reject the Gospel

Oh, and if I get the job, I’ll write a non ironic sincere review of how I enjoy the latest ICP album (srs).

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