Question Of The Week: Choose Your Own MetalSucks Guest Columnist
Friday Fun Fact: Even as your eyes travel over these words, MetalSucks co-EIC Axl Rosenberg (real name: Phil Bonerly) is working Santa Barbara’s divorcée circuit in search of a rich Gilf to seduce and defraud. Meanwhile, other MetalSucks EIC Vince Neilstein (real name: Austin Vaginalle) is selling counterfeit jeans out of a Bethesda warehouse. And editors Anso DF and Sammy O’Hagar are rifling wallets at Scott Weiland’s house.
But why? For MetalSucks readers like u, duh! We’re out there hustling every nickel and nickelbag to bring our readers the best of online metal journalism for awesomes! Think of it: Bigger and better Trivium noodz! Hot fonts and tasteful beiges! Self-trolling comments! Weed-O-Vision! MORE EVERYTHING!!!
That’s your future! But for now, experience our dreamz in today’s MetalSucks Question Of The Week, a survey of our staff metalicians on today’s issues in metal.
Fearless. Controversial. Half-baked. We give it to you straight every Friday afternoon. Straight into Pulitzer Prize history! Here’s this week’s question:
Inspired by awesome MetalSucks celebrity contributors like God Forbid’s Doc Coyle, Dave Brockie of Gwar, and Eyal Levi (Daath, AudioHammer Studios), we asked our staff the following:
In your wildest, nakedest fantasy, whom would u enlist for a guest MetalSucks column?
Sky’s the limit! The MS Staff’s expert answers below!
The eloquent misanthropy of Cattle Decapitation’s Travis Ryan would be different from every MS guest column past or present, and it’d be worthwhile to get his perspective on societal issues unrelated to music.
I’d enlist Gene Hoglan for a fitness column. He could share the secret of increasing your level of physical activity to that of an extreme metal drummer — without sacrificing any of that valuable mass. Guests Dino Cazares and Michael Romeo would chime in on this heavy topic.
Gaahl. He is active in extreme metal and openly gay. Sure, he’s not out-and-proud in the way that would suit my proposed title for his column — OOO! NORWEGIAN BEAR METAL! — so he’d have to talk about other things. Mostly Satan, presumably, but also loathing Christianity. Maybe he’d make an aside about the lack of buzz for his excellent new God Seed record. All of this he’d do in an amusing, vaguely racist manner. Of course, the logistics of this column are messy: I doubt Gaahl owns a computer, so someone would have trudge into the mountains of Norway to transcribe him each week. And I don’t want to risk that Sherpa’s life nor do we want to pay him. I’d volunteer, but then I’d have to face him about that idea for the column’s title (above). And then something wacky would happen, like my getting savagely beaten and made to guzzle my own blood. So hang on, I change my vote to Danny Lilker. I bet he has some neat stories.
Billy Anderson. That dude’s got the best stories, played in a bunch of rad bands (Melvins, Blessing the Hogs, Spilth, The Men of Porn) and has worked on so many classic records (EyeHateGod, Neurosis, Agalloch, Buzzoven,Melvins, Cathedral, Ludicra, Dragged Into Sunlight, Weedeater, Ramesses, Primordial, Asunder, Impaled, Acid King, and dozens more). He’s fucking hilarious to boot. Someone get him in here, stat.
Jason Netherton from Misery Index should author a weekly column on … bird watching. Not all MS readers get super-stoked on science, let alone zoology, so I wouldn’t promise him huge readership numbers. But I could hardly pass up a chance to give a fellow fiend for feathered friends.
Lemmy. He’s well-spoken, smart, and I love his views on every subject — from music to politics to history. Plus, he has a wicked sense of humor: “How do you sell a deaf guy a frog? [shouts] WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A FROG?”
Nothing in life matters as much as partying and the beach, so I’d write huge MetalSucks checks to Steel Panther singer Michael Starr, a black belt in both. Sure, he’d be asked to disgress occasionally to topics like touring and recording; but this assignment is to flank a growing army of srsbros and tryhards via a long-running lifestyle treatise on experience over examination. Each week in Baby I’m A Starr! presented by MetalSucks, Starr will guide the young and young-at-heart to a life of open-hearted partying, great hair and fluency in suggestive gestures, sane use of the best drugz that get u super-high, BulletBoysism, and being able to properly barf while surfing. My second call would be to sell a sponsorship to Astroglide.
What say u, MetalSucks reader? What celebrity guest columnist would u read again and again? Which would blow your mind with awesome hilarity and amazing insight? Would it cause u pants-pooping surprise to see them on MetalSucks? Have an awesome wknd and answer below!