Question Of The Week: Tastes Grim, Best Killing
I bet the biggest challenge for a new product launch is the beginning. That is, once dudes learn that they love the thing, the hard part is accomplished. Butttt how do u get each potential customer to make that first purchase of your stuff so that they can be hooked for life? Well, we at MetalSucks know how to sell anything to a metal fan: onto your product slap a heavy metal logo! Instant sale! Let’s elaborate on that in this new MS Question Of The Week! Please show your ID now!!
Fearless. Controversial. Half-baked. We give it to you straight every Friday afternoon. Straight to ethics jail for talking booze to underagers! Here’s this week’s question:
Inspired by a roll-out of heavy metal celebrity beers and wines and shit, we asked our staff the following:
U have started an awesome new company that makes metal-themed booze — and just landed a huge start-up investment. Now which music personality will u approach for your debut alcohol product thingy?
Answers by us and by u below!
Agoraphobic Nosebeers, a selection of 300 different beers each in a unique one-ounce bottle. Each case comes with a gratisdrum machine!
IT’S A TIE!!!!!!!! The snappily-named O’Hagar Beer & Assorted Libation Brewing Conglomerate, Inc., or OBALBC would launch with Emperor‘s Black Wizard Imperial Stout. It’s blackened enough to put Old Rasputin to shame. It’s heavy and bitter as all get-out, but has faint notes of nuts and chocolate, which is fitting for its namesake album with all the goofy fucking keyboards. The next would be Napalm Death. Sure they’re from England, but don’t expect a warm lager or reasonably-hopped IPA. No, hoist an ice-cold From Enslavement To Hopbliteration, a full-on American imperial IPA. With an IBU north of 120 and ABV well over 10%, their ale is as dedicated to the extreme as they are. And the kicker is that if ever in a fridge with Miller, Bud, or Coors, every FETH bottle has tiny speakers that blare “Multinational Corporations” until you call your brother-in-law over to reclaim his fast-food brew. For its ad campaign, Napalm bassist Shane Embury could do a “Most Interesting Man in the World” spot in which he mutters in an incoherent Birmingham accent for 30 seconds, then smashes a FETH bottle on a Bullet for My Valentine fan.
It’s funny to imagine management for The Cult picking up their phone to hear a pitch from Ansotic Beverages Concern of Los Angeles: We want to pair with your veteran spiritual-sexy heavy rock band for Chronic Temple, a 12-ounce fruit smoothie drink boosted with like 40 bonghits’ worth of THC. At $20, Chronic Temple is pricey, but each comes in an enormous collectible bottle in the shape of singer Ian Astbury’s skull (wrapped in bandana and eagle feather) and each packs the zonk-power to carry u through four days of Sonic Temple on repeat. Cheerz!