Necessary Roughness, Week 7: The Story of Bum and Bud / The Truth About the Dolphins
[Editor’s Note: This column was handed in before Monday night’s game. We’re sure Brockie would’ve given the Giants a pat on the back for beating the hapless Vikings in their first victory of the season while simultaneously reminding us that both teams suck. Carry on.]
Welcome back to the column that never holds back in its frank analysis of the U.S.A.’s signature sport. I have been a fan since I was four, and I didn’t even know that the rest of the world also called their favorite sport “football” until I was at least twelve! I wondered why we couldn’t use our military to force the entire world to change their “football” to “soccer.” How dare they not do that, even if they had been calling it “football” for hundreds of years before us! Then the ultimate humiliation occurred… I was forced to play “soccer” at school! I hated soccer and hated “them” for making me play it, and I hated people using our word for a game that was nothing like ours. It’s not “American Football”… we invented it! And if we want to call it the same thing you call your thing we will!
I remember the ‘Skins first Super Bowl win in 1983. It was also the night of my first riot! We ran amuck into the streets of D.C., inspired by Riggo’s famous TD run and the slam pits of the original D.C. Hardcore scene… us and like 30,000 other people. We didn’t TRY to break stuff, it just broke with the sheer force of our joy. Such was our power! We had won the SUPER BOWL… so D.C. had Reagan, John Riggins, and Minor Threat! What a mighty time for football. And music! Oh, how we vandalized our own city that night. I have been hooked ever since. On football, not vandalism.
Despite the best efforts of the N.F.L. (and also because of them), football has remained an essentially North American experience. I just can’t see them playing it in China or it ever being in the Olympics. It’s as American as apple pie even though those Canadian 20-yard deep end zones with “H”- shaped posts at the goal-line are pretty cool, and it turns out that French people make really good apple pie as well. But football represents American culture in one of its most unique forms and the bombast and spectacle of gridiron glory really can bring out the best in people… and the worst. It was a week of both, but I think the ugly won.
It was a eventful week full of concussion reports, disrespectful utterances and madly back-pedaling owners (the backlash at times became strident). It was an uncouth backdrop to the unexpected deaths last and early this week of a couple of true legends in the history the N.F.L. They were both super-old, so there’s that, but these guys had an intense N.F.L. connection, were both the same age, and died within days of each other. Crazy! Today, Monday, A.F.L. founder (became the A.F.C., remember?) and Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams passed away peacefully at the age of 90. He was preceded briefly on his journey to N.F.L. eternity by his old head coach from the Houston Oilers, Bum Philips, who passed on Friday. And remember, this is a guy that insisted on being called “Bum,” which means “ass” or “vagrant”… but Bum was no vagrant. His passing was probably not as peaceful as Bud’s. In fact I think Bum would have got off a few rounds at the Grim Reaper if he got the drop on him.
Back in the day, Bud had owned the Houston Oilers, and had fired old Bum when he moved the team to Tennessee. So Bud and Bum both passed, both at the ripe old age of 90, and both of their contributions to shaping the N.F.L. are much appreciated, as our condolences are here marked and expressed to their loved ones and families. I sure hope they had patched things up. Bud was all class, and Bum was kinda an ass, yet somehow endearing… kinda like the Billy Carter of the N.F.L. Without Bud, we wouldn’t have an A.F.C. (bet some of you would like that!), and without Bum… well, we never would have had Bum. We would never have witnessed his sideline tirades, his spitting and cussing while always stalking the field in his trademark snakeskin boots. Head set? What’s that? Clipboard? For what? All Bum needed was his chaw and a Zebra to yell at. Coaches were a different breed back then. They were epic!
OK, to the action. We had a weekend full of close games featuring a ton of season-ending injuries, a slew of cheap shots, and even a victorious Jets fan punching a woman in the face. Not the N.F.L.’s happiest week, but interesting as hell nonetheless. Let’s get at it, and also let’s get those surgeries underway!
Most Philly fans were glad to see Andy Reid go. Most Philly fans probably weren’t so happy to see Andy improve to 7-0 this weekend with his new club, the Kansas City Chiefs. But that’s what he has done, and mad props to the man who has endured the tragic death of his son to drugs and received hosts of nasty allegations from the brutal Philly sports press as he made as classy an exit as you can after losing your son, your job, and your team. Things were a mess in the City of Brotherly Love, and it sure did seem that Andy’s best days were behind him. What had worked out seemed to make sense… and soon Dame Fortune smiled upon him and Reid was off to coach a Kansas City club coming off yet another disappointing season while Philly began a regime change. So far it’s looking like Andy is having a better time of it. Sunday’s victory against the hard, possibly born-again Houston Texans wasn’t a dominant one for K.C. and it really seemed that QB Alex Smith was trying to lose the game in the 4th quarter, throwing an INT., missing open receivers, and allegedly crapping himself after a particularly vicious attempt at sitting down. The Texans fought hard but just couldn’t get the job done, falling 17-16 to the Chiefs while slipping to a 2-5 record. Even worse, they have lost standout linebacker Brian Cushing for the season to a torn LCL and broken leg. Arian Foster got knocked-out of the game as well, but should recover over the bye week, one the Texans won’t be enjoying. A bright spot was the play of Texans’ QB Case Keenum, who may be taking over for the injured and blundering Matt Schaub. As for the Chiefs, they are the league’s only unbeaten team and Jamaal Charles is a monster who had his seventh-straight 100+ total yards day. Happy days, Chiefs fans!
The New York Jets are 4-3 and in the mix after an unlikely come-from-behind victory over the New England Patriots in OT, 30-27, in front of an adoring home crowd, one of which was so ecstatic that a security cam caught him slugging a woman in the face after a drunken brawl spilled out of a crowded urinal. Hey, it WAS his wife. Straight to the moon, Alice! Brady and the Pats seemed to have things together and were up 21-10 in the 3rd quarter until Tommy-Boy threw a pick six that set off a deluge of 17 straight N.Y. points, leading to victory and that aforementioned wife-beating. Girls, never root against your hubby’s team, especially if they are playing Tom Brady’s Patriots. Equally weird was some penalty that had never been called in a game before that gave the Jets another attempt at an OT FG kick and the chance to win the game (which they did). I am not a Patriots fan, not since they changed their helmet decal anyway. So it was fun to see them lose, and then hear the Hoodie complain, saying the penalty was wrong, then later admit he was wrong, then go back to the bridge he lives under. Go Jets, just not upside some gal’s head. That pink on that woman’s jersey is for breast cancer awareness month, it’s NOT the other team’s uniform, though pink would be the right color for the Brady Bunch.
Hey, just playing here guys. I don’t know what would hurt more — getting “sent to the Moon” by a New York Jerk, or getting “curb-work” from a Beantown Bruiser! Rest assured I have no desire to experience either, so I am armed. And just kidding! Jets vs. Pats in the post-season? Do they play again this year in Foxboro? Yeah, I know I could look it up on Google, fuck it. Good games coming.
And speaking of helmet decals, I just noticed that the Miami Dolphins took the dumb little helmet off the Dolphin. You know, the cute little Dolphin-decal helmet thing? What? They did that when Marino was their QB? FUCK! Not only do I hate the no-helmet Dolphin-decal, but apparently it happened a while ago, so that can only mean one more unpleasant thing: that I am not very observant! What, were Dolphins complaining that it is offensive and insulting to the Dolphin race to have the image of a helmet-wearing Dolphin emblazoned on a decal stuck to the side on a larger helmet, a helmet worn by a human being playing football, a sport Dolphins don’t even play?
Is a Dolphin even really the mascot for the Miami Dolphins? Because if so, doesn’t he need to be on the sidelines, rooting on the team, taking shits? Like that one team, that one that has some weird animal mascot with huge balls that takes giant shits, much to the crowd’s delight. Is that such a good idea, to have a Dolphin on the sidelines, especially when you are playing Chicago in December? Don’t they need water or heat or some shit? Maybe the players could just piss on it as it flops about, slowly dying. Shit, dump a tub of Gatorade on it. But maybe they could make a big tank for it on the sidelines of the Miami Stadium (which is probably called The Dorito UPS Bowl or some shit), and have the Dolphin swim around in it, and take shits — people could buy stuff to throw at it, like hot dogs and pretzels and crap! Hey, if they want to have a suitable environment for a Dolphin-mascot on the sidelines then they should just build it a Dolphin Rape-Cave! Yeah, they are real! Not all missing children are taken by people, animals get plenty of them, and eat them and in some cases fuck them to death in Dolphin Rape-Caves.
In any case, the football-playing Miami Dolphins need to do something, like not wear pink shoes, or start raping, as they drop their third straight, this time to the Buffalo Bills, 23-21.
I want to thank all the people who told me to go fuck myself after last week’s column. There were some very fanciful descriptions and once again I was impressed by the elegance and eloquence of the sports fans who actually respond to or sound off about this column. Thank you because whoa! You caught me! I WAS getting PC! Oh no! Brockie is SOFT! The man has GONE SOFT!!! After only like 30 years or so of boiling inside a rubber monster suit, doing the wild thing with a three-foot cock (while fighting a dinosaur), Brockie’s opinion on the name of a sports team has made him “PC” and therefore invalidated a life’s work of evil. Fear not! Your dundering rage and impressive collection of mono-syllables have set me straight… besides, I am on tour out west, the perfect place to do my own research on the subject. Which I will report to you ONLY if it supports my argument.
But I really like it when you get to play sports reporter (like me! I get to play “sports reporter” as well!) and you guys tell me about the other games.
Peyton showed some class in defeat, the Bengals are wicked, what’s up with the Jags, Panthers hit 500%, TONS of injuries… of which the worst was St. Louis Rams QB Sam Bradford. The Rams have been playing hard and it’s gonna be tough without Bradford who really seemed to be on the verge of a breakout year. Tough one. I would like to read your comments, first-hand, second-hand, no hands! Dallas? San Diego? SF? I know you got teams… let’s chime in, Green Bay! Baltimore? Pittsburgh? Chicago? Detroit? Washington? The proud cities that host the greatest game ever, ARE YOU OUT THERE?