Hipsters Out Of Metal!

Achy-Breaky Too: Five Hair Metal Jams Destined For Rap Redux

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Hair Metal Rap Songs 2014

If you were unlucky, last week you encountered a sight so horrible that it would’ve shattered Medusa and a sound chilling enough to freeze the sun: a new hip hop version of a already-awful/poorly-aging country novelty hit. No, stop, don’t think about it; don’t recall its author, his boner-withering spawn, its guest rapper, its stock beat, or its incomprehensible intro by surely-dead-and-operated-by-marionette-strings Larry King. Let’s just say for clarity’s sake that the title of its 23-year old source material rhymes with Shaky-Rapey Shart.

I hate myself for bringing it up at all, but this cynical cash-grab lead to an epiphany (once my soul stopped screaming, natch): Any old hit can be resuscitated by ratcheting its hook to even the creakiest new(-ish) beat and a few verses by a rapper with no self-esteem. And if we, dear MetalSucks people, ever need a handful of quick cash, then I can suggest some material from our own little genre to be processed like “Achy Breaky 2” for the year 2014.

After all, a depressing good idea is still a good idea — it worked once for “Walk This Way” and “Bring The Noise” — and these hairy jams are perfect for a rap remake (via bounce), have some life left in them (via not sucking), and have similar profile among young people who pay money for this weirdness (via the ’90s). Heck, these jams nearly are hip hop songs already. U jam rap?

Slaughter
“Up All Night” (1990)

Like Mickey Avalon’s update of “The Stroke” by Billy Squier, “Up All Night 2014 (feat. Lil Wayne)” will benefit from a face-lift (reassign Mark Slaughter’s shrieked chorus to a pair of female singers) and some filling out of the original’s thin verses (MC mumbles to bracket each line). But no whistling.

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Ratt
“All Or Nothing” (1990)

Ratt’s final album of their glory era must’ve been taxing for singer Stephen Pearcy, as nearly every song is a festival of high notes and rapid-fire syllables. For hair rock’s least skilled singer, that is a major workload. Still, Detonator is awesome and Pearcy rips, and nowhere as gleefully as when kicking rhymes in “All Or Nothing.” Slow it down a few ticks, slice its beat in half, add Eminem, and make it rain. Or run it over the opening credits of Justified.

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Poison
“Unskinny Bop” (1990)

Look on Poison’s final super-hit and see dollar signs: Its cloying guitar lick is annoying enough to worm into any ear; its sing-along chorus is perfect gibberish to which any meaning can be assigned; its topic — fatties. In other words: So perfect for our little exercise today. It’s enough to want to Hot Tub Time Machine this jam into 2014’s shittiest strip club.

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Warrant 
“Cherry Pie” (1990)

Late Warrant singer Jani Lane struggled to live down “Cherry Pie” and emphasize his more artful compositions like “Uncle Tom’s Cabin.” But his ghost could dry those tears with benjamins once MetalSucks Records releases “Cherry Pie 2014.” In the mould of “Ha,” the new “Pie” pivots on repetition. The only question is one of taste: Do we change “Swingin'” to “Skeetin'”? Yeah.

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Def Leppard
“Pour Some Sugar On Me” (1987)

The legend goes that Def Leppard’s troubled album Hysteria was condemned to so-so sales before exotic dancers embraced “Sugar” and set the nine-armed quintet on the path to mega-success. Likewise, “Pour Some Sugar On Me ’14 (feat. Raekwon)” would be comped to strip clubs and licensed to MTV’s Teen Mom and blam! fifty grand like that!

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What old hair rock song would you convert into a money-making club jam in the year 2014? Have you any shame and a few thousand bucks? Will Motley Crue beat us to the punch? 

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