Cinemetal

Big Tom and the Guns are My New Favorite Terrible Band

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One of the members of Big Tom and the Guns recently e-mailed us about their new video, “Loaded Guns,” and since then, I’ve become obsessed with the band. Fact is, everything about the band is SO PHENOMENALLY DUMB that it’s hard to imagine their members really aren’t in on it. Two of them appear to be wearing hair metal musician Halloween costumes. One of them is wearing a cheap wig. The band plays boringly simple cock rock while Big Tom raps the way an out-of-touch old person would rap in a sad attempt to convince young people they’re cool. (If Saved the Bell existed today, I imagine this is kind of what Zack Attack would sound like.)

But the more research I do, the more I conclude that, tragically for them and less-than-tragically for us, Big Tom and the Guns are being 110% earnest.

My evidence? Well, first of all, there’s that e-mail they sent us. Here it is (with my comments, as per usual):

“New Jersey band…”

Exhibit A.

“…Big Tom and the Guns, debuted their first music video to the new release of ‘Loaded Gun’ this past Saturday at the Brighton Bar in Long Branch. With the inclusion of American flags, fire, girls and downright rock n’ roll…”

What the fuck is “downright rock n’ roll”?

“…Big Tom and the Gun’s ‘Loaded Gun’ music video gives listeners an introduction to the band’s enormous personality.  ‘Loaded Gun’ is a statement to the essence of Big Tom and the Guns, that being over-the-top rock with twist.  Through shots of gun shaped guitars, beautiful women and band mates spitting fire, in today’s predictable music industry, ‘Loaded Gun’ gives a sense of familiarity sprinkled with thoughts of ‘what the hell did I just watch?’”

That last sentence gives me a headache. Why would you complain about “today’s predictable music industry” and the boast about your sound’s “familiarity”? For that matter, why the fuck would you put  the phrase “in today’s predictable music industry” in the middle of what seems to be a completely different thought (“Through shots of gun shaped guitars, beautiful women and band mates spitting fire… ‘Loaded Gun’ gives a sense of familiarity sprinkled with thoughts of ‘what the hell did I just watch?’”)?

“This is Big Tom and the Guns’ first debut…”

Oh, really? It’s your first debut, is it? Are you sure about that? I mean, are you really really really sure it’s not your second debut?

“…of recorded material with video accompaniment.”

Wait wait wait… so it the band’s debut of recorded material, or just the first time they’ve made a music video? If it’s the latter, you could have just said, “This is the band’s debut music video.” If it’s the former, you should have left out the “video accompaniment” bit altogether. In either case, you probably should have asked someone with an education to read this for you before you sent it out.

“The band has brought out well over 150 people in past shows, but sold out the Brighton Bar this past Saturday at their video release party. With only a few months under their belt, Big Tom and the Guns have developed an already loyal fan base seen throughout the Monmouth County area.”

Who is seeing the fans throughout the county? Why would you describe your fan base the same way you would describe the Sasquatch?

“Big Tom and the Guns’ growing popularity is reflected in their appreciation for classic rock n’ roll combined with an energy that is infectious.”

Please, enlighten me: how does the band’s appreciation for classic rock n’ roll and blah blah blah reflect their growing popularity? That makes no sense. If their popularity wasn’t growing, would they no longer appreciate classic rock n’ roll?

“Between lederhosen and the beloved Lady Gaga wig, the band is entertainment at its best.  Rock mixed with a little humor, a splash of 80’s metal and a large dose of vitality, brings us the newfound Big Tom and the Guns.”

So, again, that last bit suggests that the band is on the gag. It could go either way with these promo pics, which are silly, but not funny (“Go big or go Tom”? Ugh.).

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And this t-shirt Big Tom sometimes wears is, again, silly (Who wouldn’t guess that the overweight lead singer is Big Tom? Especially when there are no other big dudes in the band?), but not actually funny:

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So… do you think they’re kidding or not? Get your fill (yuk yuk) of Big Tom and the Guns on Facebook and then weigh in (yuk yuk yuk) in our comments section below.

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