Sh*t That Comes Out Today: July 29, 2014
This STCOT I write to you with a heavy heart and sweaty palms. On this day, all four of the Cardinal Rules of Metal have been ruthlessly violated. The sins: cheesiness, unoriginality, poor musicianship, and ICP influence. Words do little to qualify the magnitude of these transgressions — listen for yourself. Then join me in gut-bursting laughter, and vote in the comments section for which one of these is The Worst Metal-ish Album of 2014.
Knockout (Dark Star)
On a playlist with: The Scorpions’ rejected audition tapes
Listen “Rock The Nightlife” (here)
This just in: German cool-guys and Easy Cheese spokesmen in UnBreakable hereby lay a disagreeable log right on your chest. Surprise! Go ahead and rock “Rock The Nightlife” and experience exactly what it feels like to spend a quiet evening at home wearing stained underwear. What’s more is that the guitar solo is so inspiring that you might be compelled to microwave some week-old udon before slumping over in the doorway to your bathroom in a fit of inexplicable weeping. I know I did.
On a playlist with: My Very Own, To The Planets Above, Forever Lovers
Listen “Coast To Coast” (here)
Google has near-infinite processing power, mind-boggling storage capabilities, industry-leading technology, and all the innovation that the world’s tech-nerds have to offer. They have self-driving cars. A successful mobile phone operating system. Magical glasses which make you look like a twit. It’s all pretty amazing. But even with all this hyper-modern grunt, Google Now’s Shazam-like feature simply cannot recognize “Coast To Coast.” Seasons is so generic that it’s defeated one of world’s most powerful companies.
Strength And Conditioning (316)
On a playlist with: Guitar Center at 3:30 p.m. on a Saturday
Listen Strength And Conditioning full stream (here)
I remember my first guitar: an LTD Viper 50 from my parents for Christmas one year. I loved it — I quietly learned some Slayer riffs using my little Line 6 combo amp, I switched to headphones after 9:30 p.m., and kept generally to myself until I was good enough to jam in the presence of others. But, heh, some folks aren’t so courteous.
Fungonewrong (Legend Group)
On a playlist with: incurable ulcerative colitis
Listen “Cry Me A River” (here)
Rarely am I taken aback by a sound, even if it’s a political speech or the grinding of live kittens. But Fungonewrong is on another level. ICP fans will rejoice that there’s another band worthy of their attention, while people who graduated high school will forever lament the sick, horrible, polluted, totally fucked-up world we live in.
OTHER SHIT THAT COMES OUT TODAY
¤ Abolition A.D. After Death Before Chaos (Pulverised) listen
AOV Act Of Violence (Inverse) listen
Invidiosus Malignant Universe (Tridroid) listen
Krigsgrav The Carrion Fields (Naturmacht) listen listen
The Last Ten Seconds of Life The Last Ten Seconds of Life: 2010-2012 (Density) listen
Mutilation Process Flesh Eaters (HPGD) listen
Sacrificio Sacrificio EP (Iron Bonehead)
» Taatsi Amidst The Trees (Forever Plagued) listen listen