Breaking the Law

Kid Rock is Not Happy That His D*ldo Has Been Subpoenaed

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joecAs you may recall, attorneys for Andrea Pellegrini, a former employee for the Insane Clown Posse’s Psychopathic Records who is now suing the band/label for sexual harassment, subpoenaed a very unusual object: a glass dildo owned by Kid Rock. According to Pellegrini and her lawyers, another Psychopathic Records employee, “Dirty Dan” Diamond, had attempted to gift her the dildo upon seeing that Pellegrini had changed her Facebook status to “single;” when she declined the present, he gave it instead to Kid Rock.

At the time the news broke, I, like many of you, I’m sure, expressed disbelief with regards to the subpoena, and hypothesized that it might be a stretch to believe that Kid Rock could actually produced the item:

“Pellegrini left Psychopathic at some point in 2012, which means that her lawyers are banking on Kid Rock still having this specific present two years later. And, hey, I have no idea how many dildos Kid Rock owns, or if people give him sex toys on a routine basis, or what his relationship with Dirty Dan is… I guess it’s possible he still has the thing. But I wouldn’t be surprised if his reaction to the subpoena is something to the effect of, ‘Huh?!?!'”

So I can’t I’m surprised by this: in new, publicly-released letters to both Pellegrini and ICP’s respective legal teams, Rock claims he has no idea what the hell anyone is talking about, and, furthermore, uh… well… read for yourself (from Rock’s website)…

Letter to Pellegrini’s Legal Team

Dear Jim Rasor and Jon Marko,

I’m told that you have issued a subpoena for a “glass dildo” that was supposedly given to me. No idea what you’re talking about, and I definitely don’t have it. I’ve never heard of, seen, or met any people involved in this case. But I’m pretty sure you already know that. What I do know is that you’ve been dragging my name around in the media to gain attention for your sad ass excuse for a law firm. I don’t care what you do when you finally catch up to the ambulances you chase, but I do care when you bring my name into it for no reason at all.

Let me ask you this. Say in a lawsuit that another crappy firm was handling, your names were brought up for no reason. You wake up one morning, excited for a new day of exploiting the legal system and people dumb enough to look at your website (nice pictures btw, did you study how to look like douchebags in college?), and when you open the newspaper there’s a report from someone you’ve never heard of talking about how Jon Marko and Jim Rasor got caught molesting animals at a petting zoo while high on bath salts. Now imagine you weren’t the scumbags you are, but a citizen who has raised millions of dollars for his hometown, spent hours helping to promote the arts, had helped wounded veterans returning from combat. Say you were people who aren’t a blight on our planet – wouldn’t you be pissed off that your name, for days on end, was being mentioned in the press when EVERYONE involved knew you weren’t involved in any way? Welcome to my side of this story.

-Kid Rock

Letter to ICP’s Legal Team

Dear Brian E. Koncius,

I’m told that your client has testified under oath in a deposition that he presented a former employee of Psychopathic Records with a glass dildo, who then allegedly gave the dildo to me? There are only two possible explanations for what your client said: either he is an absolute pathological liar, who for some insane reason decided to make up a bullshit story using my name or 2: he thinks he’s a comedian and was trying to be funny. If he was joking then he’s just an asshole who isn’t funny. But if it was not 100% clear that he was attempting to make a joke, then he just lied under oath because I’ve never met your client, and if I had met your client I’d certainly remember if he tried to give me a glass fucking dildo. Even if it was the “Rasor Law Firm” that sent a press release to the press, you have done nothing to clear up this blatant lie which makes you to blame too. It is obvious that all you assholes are using my name and notoriety to garner publicity for yourselves, which makes you the worst kind of scum. You’re the types of lawyers that make America a worse place for everyone.

I live in Detroit because I can stay out of the fray here and live my life the way I chose to. If I wanted to deal with this shit I’d move to LA, and if I want press, I can get it – trust me. No matter why your client said what he did, it’s clear that you, your client, and the Rasor Law Firm have gone out of your way to help get this story told. How would you feel if one day your name appeared across the internet connected to a story you knew absolutely nothing about. One day you come downstairs to the angry glare of your wife who asks if you really were arrested over the weekend for driving high on crystal meth with a bound and gagged hooker in your trunk. Did you? Because it’s all over the internet, some lawyer you’ve never met put it out in a press release! Must be true right? I’m guessing you probably wouldn’t like that, and would at least appreciate it if the guy who made it up admitted that you never did those things.

Your website says you represent people who are “interested in doing the right thing.” I don’t believe that, but prove me wrong.

-Kid Rock

As much as I hate to agree with the author of “Bawitdaba,” it’s hard not to see his point here, especially since, as I said before, the fact that both parties have already agreed on the existence and eventual fate of the dildo seems to make entering the object into the case as evidence totally unnecessary.

But here’s the part of this story I find the funniest: since Kid Rock is a rich celebrity, it stands to reason that he didn’t make any moves here until his own lawyers had cleared it. So, basically, somewhere in some fancy, expensive law firm, someone had to sign off on Rock sending, and publicly posting, letters in which he called the attorneys involved in the Pellegrini case “assholes” and “douchebags.” I’m really hoping it was one of the firm’s partners. He or she must have rushed home to his or her family after work and gloated over dinner, “See, now, THIS is why I worked so hard to get into Harvard Law!”

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