Metal Tech

Jason Newsted Decides He’s Just TOO Successful Since Leaving Metallica, Quits Social Networks

  • Axl Rosenberg

newsted elle fanningJason Newsted left Metallica almost fourteen years ago, and we all know what happened next: as Lars Ulrich gloomily foretold in Some Kind of Monster, “Jason is the future,” and without him, ‘Tallica soon lost most of their fans and were condemned to a career of producing collaborations with aging icons and making 3D movies. Newsted, meanwhile, single-handedly saved the record industry with the release of Echobrain’s Strange Enjoyment, which Napster co-founder Shawn Fanning called “The single most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my life” before shutting down Napster and devoting his existence to putting a stop to illegal downloading. Newsted then went on to help revitalize Voivod, finally granting the veteran metallers the sex appeal necessary to attract the teenage-girl audience the band had sought for so very long. Newsted also briefly joined Ozzy Osbourne’s band, but was fired by Sharon Osbourne because the audiences’ nightly chants of “NEW-STED! NEW-STED!” were so deafening that Ozzy would get confused, crap his pants, and run off stage crying on a nightly basis. Then, in 2012, Newsted launched a new band, the cleverly-monikered Newsted (get it?), whose quintet of 2013 concept albums, Heavy Metal MusicMetal, Heavy, Heavy Metal, and Merengue not only broke international sales records, but also garnered the bassist/vocalist nine Grammys, a Pulitzer and Nobel Prizes, a MacArthur Genius Grant, and a public pledge from the parents of Elle Fanning to preserve their daughter’s virginity until she could gift it to Newsted the night of her eighteenth birthday in 2016.

Now Newsted is set to change history AGAIN. The Nikola Tesla of metal bassists has posted the following message to his official website (I’m posting a screen cap because, as usual, the incredible amount of traffic the site receives makes its load time very, VERY long):

newsted quits social networksThis is so forward-thinking of Newsted I can’t even wrap my head around it. Although the dinosaurs who run the record business have been in denial about it for a long, long time, social networking services like the ones Newsted cites are totally over. The kids don’t care anymore — they wanna go outside, interact face-to-face, discover new music via MTV and various magazines, and buy physical media in stores. Everyone needs to STOP trying to push Instagram and Twitter already. They had their fifteen minutes. Everyone is over it.

I commend Jason Newsted for, once again, being a leader not just in metal or even just in music, but in all of popular culture. I strongly suspect that he’ll soon yank all of his music from Spotify, as well — which MetalSucks’ own Vince Neilstein has been urging artists to do for years now.

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