Friday 5

Friday 5: Extreme Metal In The Champagne Room

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Happy Friday, MetalSucks reader! Welcome to MetalSucks Friday 5, our awesome series that appears every Friday (duh) on MetalSucks (duhh) and involves the quantity of five (duhhh).

Here’s how it works: A list of best/worst/weirdest/whatever five somethings is posted by one of your beloved MetalSucks contributors or by one of our buds (like you?). Then you, our cherished reader, checks it out, has a chuckle, then chimes in with a list of the same. No sweat, just whatever springs to mind, k? (Just like that movie about those losers working at a Chicago record store!) After all, it’s Friday — the day dedicated by the gods to mindless, fun time-wasting. Today we’ve got some ideas for your table dance …

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THE FIVE

Five Extreme Metal Songs To Play At The Strip Club

THE LISTER

Emperor RhombusMetalSucks contributor

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1. “New Millenium Cyanide Christ”
by Meshuggah
from Chaosphere | 1998 (Nuclear Blast)

Bounce bounce bounce! This song has an incredible pounding rhythm to it that seems perfect for twerking and pelvic thrusting. Bonus points if you can make your booty shake in time with the solo at 3:06.
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2. “None Buried Deeper”
by Witchery
from Symphony For The Devil | 2001 (Necropolis)

This track has a great beat, a series of infectious riffs, and some really sexy, languid breakdowns throughout. It could work for writhing at the front of the stage or spinning on a pole.
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3. “Mouth Of Madness”
by Tsjuder
from Desert Northern Hell | 2004 (Season Of Mist)

That opening riff is just amazing. It has a strut, which is severely lacking in black metal. Imagine a stripper in corpsepaint snarling at you to this track. Yeah.

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4. “It Comes In Threes”
by Man Must Die
from No Tolerance For Imperfection | 2009 (Relapse)

Again with the big bounce! Add this track’s pained guitar leads, its ever-present double bass, and its massive chorus, and we have an exceptional song for her to drop it to the floor and make it work. ‘It’ being her ass.

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5. “Oroborus”
by Gojira
from The Way Of All Flesh | 2008 (Prosthetic)

I will be genuinely surprised if someone hasn’t already made their ass clap to this opening guitar line.

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