Friday 5

Friday 5: The Five Metal Albums For When You’re Ugly :(

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Happy Friday, MetalSucks reader! Welcome to MetalSucks Friday 5, our awesome series that appears every Friday (duh) on MetalSucks (duhh) and involves the quantity of five (duhhh).

Here’s how it works: A list of best/worst/weirdest/whatever five somethings is posted by one of your beloved MetalSucks contributors or by one of our buds (like you?). Then you, our cherished reader, checks it out, has a chuckle, then chimes in with a list of the same. No sweat, just whatever springs to mind, k? (Just like that movie about those losers working at a Chicago record store!) After all, it’s Friday — the day dedicated by the gods to mindless, fun time-wasting. Today maybe we don’t want to feel better, okay??

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THE FIVE

Five Metal Albums For Feeling Ugly

THE LISTER

Emperor RhombusMetalSucks contributor

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1. Take As Needed For Pain | Eyehategod
Century Media | 1993

Thinking about this album makes my skin itch, like I have worms or something. Southern groove often makes the listener feel warmer, like a good shot of whiskey, but here NOLA’s least pleasant export reminds the listener only of dirty water, cockroaches, incest, and expired medicine. None more ugly.

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2. If You Walk Before You Crawl, You Crawl Before You Die | Rwake
At A Loss | 2004

What makes Rwake’s third album so special is its varying scope: This is just as much the soundtrack to an populous planet getting eaten by a black hole as it is the sound of a junkie wondering how things got this far while puking onto train tracks.

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3. Sick Transit Gloria Mundi | Red Harvest
Nocturnal Art | 2002

Not all of these albums are putrid sludge. Some are huge battering rams of bludgeoning blackened industrial sprayed with disinfectant and soaked in nanobots full of Ebola. This one is the soundtrack to civilian life in the Terminator franchise. The idea of good things unraped by robots is unnatural here.
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4. Gummo OST | various
Century Media | 1989

Few soundtracks so perfectly channel the atmosphere of a movie. Here, tracks by Nifelheim, Bathory, Mortician, Sleep, Brujeria, and the Electric Hellfire Club are pure skid marks and scabs. The listener relives the most cringe-worthy parts of director Harmony Korine’s hideous masterpiece.

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5. Prowler In The Yard | Pig Destroyer
Relapse | 2001

“Jennifer wrestled her friend playfully to the ground in front of the snow cone stand and began licking at the girls eyeballs, as if they were sugar cubes. Their bodies convulsed and flailed with an almost seizure-like intensity, at times their pale limbs seeming to shift back and forth from one torso to the other. A crowd gathered almost immediately to watch these two girls tie and untie their bodies like a pair of pit-vipers. They were confused, or concerned, or shocked, or aroused, or all of the above. But no one dared interfere with the performance. Jennifer’s long ashen hair hung down concealing the girls face like a curtain around a hospital bed. No one had any idea that the girl’s eyes were revolving under her ruby tongue. This is disgusting, it’s pornography, exclaimed a pasty slug-like white woman in a fur coat, vanilla ice cream smeared across her double chin like a money shot. Countered a balding professor type in his mid-forties, his left hand stuffed crassly down the front of his pants, No, no, no. This is beautiful. This is art.”

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Your turn!

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