Bats Avenge Fallen Brother, Invade Ozzy Osbourne’s Home


ozzy flees batsThe past has come back to haunt Ozzy Osbourne.

In what Metal Injection is calling an act of “karma,” the barn of Osbourne’s $5 million home in Buckinghamshire, England has become infested with bats. And not just any bats — rare species of bats, which are protected under environmental laws. As a result, The Prince of Darkness will have to purchase a special license if he wants to evict the bats; said license will cost him upwards of of $28,000, not including the fees incurred by the use of exterminators (or whomever the hell you pay to get bats out of your barn).

Unsurprisingly, The Bat State of England and Ireland — more commonly known as “BSEI” — has claimed credit for the attack, releasing the following statement to Al Jazeera:

“No longer will we stand by and see our bat brethren treated as if common pigs. If the great Satan, Ozzy Osbourne, truly believes he can just decapitate one us in-between singing about malfunctioning railroad transportation and returning to his mother’s abode without any consequences, he was sorely mistaken. Praise be to Batallah.”


Osbourne has yet to issue a statement of his own. But, surely, on that fateful night thirty-three years ago when he bit the head off a bat mid-concert, The Ozzman never anticipated such harsh retaliation from the Chiroptera community.

More developments as they break.

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