...And F*ck You Too

Coincidence? Coal Chamber Tease New Music and JNCOs Announce Relaunch ON THE SAME DAY

  • Axl Rosenberg

coal chamber and jncosCynics like to make fun of conspiracy theorists and dismiss their theses as being the ramblings of a weak mind that sees connections where are there are none. But every now and then, you hear a conspiracy theory that is actually wholly convincing, predicated on events that are far too convenient to be mere coincidence.

Take this, for example. Earlier today, reunited nu-metal band Coal Chamber released the below promo video for their new album, Drivel, in which vocalist Dez Fafara describes the album’s cover for blind people before a sample of the title track plays…

…and then our pal Nick from the most excellent non-nu-metal band White Widows Pact sent us this article from Fader, in which it is revealed that “JNCO, the wide-leg jean label synonymous with ’90s fashion, has received a cash infusion from a Chinese investor to relaunch in 2015.”

Oh, yeah, sure. These two events just HAPPENED to occur on the same day. Puh-leeze. What do we like, a bunch of Thy Art is Murder fans? It’s patently obvious that Fafara and Andrew Jacouvou, president and CEO of Guotai Litian (JNCOs parent corporation), are in cahoots, working together to maximize the population’s 90s nostalgia and then reaping the benefits.

Guys, I was there in the 90s, and I’m telling you, they were no great shakes. My grandparents’ generation were born into a world where flight didn’t exist, and by the time they were middle aged, we’d sent a man to the moon. The 90s started with Kurt Cobain and ended with Fred Durst. We done fucked up.

Which is why: WE CANNOT LET THIS COME TO PASS. I would never advocate violence, but I do advocate making fun of dumb people, thereby hopefully shaming them into at least pretending to be smarter. I strongly encourage all MetalSucks readers to taunt any JNCO-wearer they come across. I know there’s a very strong concern about bullying today, but would you call it bullying if you gave someone shit for being a fascist? Same principle applies here.

Below, find some easy-to-remember jokes about JNCOs that you should feel free to use against anyone you see sporting these laughably dumb pants:

What do you call it when a high school graduate wears JNCOs?
A Halloween costume.

Did you hear about the power outage at the JNCO signature store?
30 customers got stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Hey, are you going skydiving later, or just trying to hide your erection?

Wow. So, just how much weight are you planning on putting on?

Say, ever hear the one about the cool dude in JNCOs?
Me neither. He doesn’t exist.

Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, and an intelligent Coal Chamber fan in JNCOs all run in a race against one another. Who wins?
None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, or an intelligent Coal Chamber fan, dummy.

Feel free to add your own jokes in the comments section!

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