Retrospective

Exclusive Therapy Session Transcript: Slayer’s Hell Awaits Freaks Out About Turning Thirty

0

slayer hell awaits in therapyNext month will mark the thirtieth anniversary of the release of Slayer’s second albumHell Awaits. As is the case for many of us when we hit the big 3-0, the record is currently suffering from what might most easily be described as a “freak out.” As a result, it has entered psychoanalysis in what we can assume is an attempt to ease its anxiety.

MetalSucks has exclusively received a transcript of a recent session between Hell Awaits and its analyst, Dr. Ellis  A. Thaw,We cannot say how we acquired this transcript, and we are aware that it’s a major violation of doctor-patient confidentiality to print it publicly. But fuck it, we’re lawyered up.

Read the entire transcript below…

Dr. Thaw
So, Mr. Awaits-

Hell Awaits
You can just call me “Hell.”

Dr. Thaw
Hell… what brings you to see me today?

Hell Awaits
Well, I’m turning thirty in a few weeks, and, uh…

Dr. Thaw
It’s causing some anxiety? [after a brief pause] I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that this is a very common reaction to reaching any so-called “landmark age.”

Hell Awaits
I know, I know… I saw my older brother go through it a couple of years ago, and some of my older friends went through it… I just didn’t think it would hit me this hard.

Dr. Thaw
And what aspect of turning thirty, exactly, has you so perturbed?

Hell Awaits
I dunno… it’s like… “Holy shit, this is it. I’m an adult. This is my life.” Y’know?

Dr. Thaw
And you’re unhappy with your life? Why? From what I understand, you’re quite well-respected in your line of work.

Hell Awaits
Yeah, I’m well-respected, sure… but I always thought I’d be… I dunno… special. GREAT, even.

Dr. Thaw
And what makes you think you’re not special?

Hell Awaits
Oh, c’mon, Doc. Don’t play coy. You know who my kid brothers are, right?

Dr. Thaw
[after some hesitation] I’m… familiar with them, yes…

Hell Awaits
“Familiar”? HA! They’re three of the most celebrated metal albums of all time! I mean, they played Reign in Blood and Seasons in the Abyss live, in their entireties! IN THEIR ENTIRETIES!!! And they’re younger than I am! But what do I get? One, maybe two songs per setlist, and that’s it.

What the hell did Reign ever do that was so great, anyway? I mean, have you listened to me and Reign back to back recently? We don’t sound as dissimilar as people say…

Dr. Thaw
[chuckles] Well… I don’t know about THAT…

Hell Awaits
What don’t you know? The songs are just as fast. The solos just as lacking in structure. Okay okay okay, so I had a little more reverb on the guitars than Reign did. But some people don’t think that’s a bad thing! Y’know, Gene Hoglan says in that book about Reign” target=”_blank”>that book about Reign that he thinks Rick Rubin seriously fucked up by not using more reverb! He might even PREFER me to Reign! GENE HOGLAN!!! But it stills like Reign gets a million times more respect than I do.

Dr. Thaw
And why do you think that is?

Hell Awaits
[after a long pause] Because I don’t have any lyrics about the Holocaust?

Dr. Thaw
[sighs] Listen, Hell… you simply cannot compare yourself to other albums. To do so is neither healthy nor helpful. You have to just try and be the best Hell Awaits you can be. When you feel good about yourself, it won’t matter what other people think. YOU’LL know that you’re special, and you’ll know that there are other people who think so, too. I guess what I’m saying is… you do you. Does that make sense?

Hell Awaits
Yeah, I guess. [long pause] I guess it could be worse. I could be my brother Diabolus in Musica. What a fuck up that guy grew up to be. NOBODY likes him. [pause] Thanks, Doc. I really feel better now.

Dr. Thaw
That’s fantastic, I’m so glad. That will be $250 for the hour. You can make the check out to “cash.” [calling out] NEXT!

Metal Sucks Greatest Hits