Friday 5

Friday 5: Five Dumbest Hair Metal Jams Ever!



Happy Friday, MetalSucks reader! Welcome to MetalSucks Friday 5, our awesome series that appears every Friday (duh) on MetalSucks (duhh) and involves the quantity of five (duhhh).

Here’s how it works: A list of best/worst/weirdest/whatever five somethings is posted by one of your beloved MetalSucks contributors or by one of our buds (like you?). Then you, our cherished reader, checks it out, has a chuckle, then chimes in with a list of the same. No sweat, just whatever springs to mind, k? (Just like that movie about those losers working at a Chicago record store!) After all, it’s Friday — the day dedicated by the gods to mindless, fun time-wasting. 

Today, let’s talk about five hair metal jams that might be awesome, but they definitely dumb!!



Five Songs That Might Justify the Death of Hair Metal


Anso DFMetalSucks senior editor


1. “10,000 Lovers” by TNT
from Tell No Tales | Epic

On Tuesday, Skid Row announced the departure of their singer Johnny Solinger. But fans were allowed only five seconds of hoping for the return of Sebastian Bach, their legendary and reviled ex-singer: In the same breath, those fuckers named somebody else as Solinger’s replacement. Now they’re just being uncooperative, like a girl who wants to sleep with you but has convinced herself not to. But everybody can see that it’s a done deal, sooner or later. Goddamn it. Look around you, Rachel Bolan and Dave Sabo of Skid Row. You have been outvoted. It doesn’t even matter that your new guy sang on shrill, tuneless, inane, insensible songs like “10, 000 Lovers” (above). It doesn’t matter that Bach probably still is an awful jackass that would make a Skids reunion a hellish experience. It doesn’t matter why a reunion with Bach must happen or why it hasn’t happened yet. You two are strong enough to defy the will of every fan, strong enough to answer questions about Bach in every interview, strong enough to vouch for a noticeably uncomfortable post-fame replacement singer. Are you two expecting anyone to believe that you’re not tough enough to endure a tour with Sebastian? Impossible.


2. “Sex Action” by L.A. Guns
from L.A. Guns | Vertigo

It’s possible that this raging jam isn’t a clumsy single-entendre, but rather a no-bullshit punk rock paean to pussy that doesn’t beat around the bush, so to speak. Possible.


3. “Crazy Nights” by Loudness
from Thunder In The East | Atco

Some dumb songs simply don’t make sense (“10,000 lovers in one”??). Some dumb songs come up short of cleverness (“Wait, what kind of action are we talkin’ here. Ohhhh, sex action. Gotcha.”). Other dumb songs are an innocent accident, a result of enthusiasm and pride. These just sound kinda dumb thanks to somebody’s disregard for getting some pro help with lyrics written in a foreign language. A native speaker would’ve voted against “Let me see you rock and roll!”


4. “Rock Soldiers” by Ace Frehley
from Frehley’s Comet | Atlantic

This week’s Friday 5 doesn’t suffer a scarcity of possible answers. Shit, Kiss and Ted Nugent deserve private wings in this museum of insults to your intelligence. One of Kiss’s own half-raps through this baffling odyssey of whatever.


5. “Feel The Shake” by Jetboy
from Feel The Shake | MCA

I’m kinda embarrassed by the level of passion in “Mary Jane” by Love/Hate (here). It’s a song about smoking weed, but it’s so intense. Singer Jizzy Pearl sounds like he’s begging his beloved grandma to put the pistol down. I also blush at “Knocking At Your Back Door” (here) by ’80s Deep Purple, a disturbing, mouthbarf tale of a 40-year old’s pursuit of buttfuckin’. “Feel The Shake” is something else. It puts you in denial.


Happy Friday! Your turn :)

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