Friday 5: The Five Greatest Stage Falls!
Happy Friday, MetalSucks reader! Welcome to MetalSucks Friday 5, our awesome series that appears every Friday (duh) on MetalSucks (duhh) and involves the quantity of five (duhhh).
Here’s how it works: A list of best/worst/weirdest/whatever five somethings is posted by one of your beloved MetalSucks contributors or by one of our buds (like you?). Then you, our cherished reader, checks it out, has a chuckle, then chimes in with a list of the same. No sweat, just whatever springs to mind, k? (Just like that movie about those losers working at a Chicago record store!) After all, it’s Friday — the day dedicated by the gods to mindless, fun time-wasting.
Today, let’s laugh at people who are probably super hurt!
What are the five best “stage falls”? Holy shit I love stage falls.
Anso DF, MetalSucks senior editor
1. Jason Newsted of Metallica
“Cliff never fell?”
Fall rating: 7
Every performer falls on stage a couple times, and on Tuesday it was Sebastian Bach’s turn. His tumble, a glorious assplant and probably a slight knock to the skull, is extra cute — as are all falls that victimize the non-humble. As are ones that arrive with hilarious context, like, say, during a Skid Row song about not being a tool or seconds after the iconic bass part in a Metallica classic. Lol.
“I Can’t Feel Anything.”
fall rating: 8
My policy of laughing respectfully at the recently fallen extends to myself. I mean, I expect mirth from any witnesses to my many ice-slips, Wile E. Coyote-style missteps off skate ramps, general banana-peelin’, and holy shit stumbling over instrument cords like twice a day for decades. I laugh at you, you laugh at me — that’s my vote. Heck, we’re witness to precious naturally-occurring hilarity. Enjoy it.
3. Juan Gabriel
fall rating: 10
On the sidewalk one day, I was startled out of my shoes by a clang-splat a few feet behind me. A grandma, grocery bag in each hand, had crashed onto her face. I reflexively began the process of laughing, but that stopped before it was more than a twitch. After all, she looked (and it sounded) like she’d gone down like a real-life Matt Foley. A deadfall all the way. My brah beat me to her; she was stoic and continued on. Then I laughed. Maturity, people.
4. Steven Tyler of Aerosmith
“Silent but deadly”
fall rating: 1000000
A “stage fall” is the grandest of falls. It doesn’t occur in some quiet corner of your normal life. It is tragedy. One minute you’re “Hey everybody, look at me! I’m the coolest person in the world. Skiddle-bee-bop biddly biddly shazaaa–” then the next you’re on your ass in a puddle of bouncer spit. Maybe the scenery has changed faster than your brain can register, so you’re baffled too. Or maybe your biggest shock originates from the emotional plummet — like the cosmos kicked you off the stage. If you’re extra unlucky, there’s no other action to distract from your
5. Axl Rose of Guns ‘N Roses
“Knock, knock, oooph, knockin’”
fall rating: 9
It’s a testament to Axl Rose’s expertise at bumbling that this little fall — in which he remains safely on stage — stands with the all-time greats. It comes from a practiced faller and occasionally humble guy, yet its timing and aftermath, great god, are historic. It occurs at the smooth jazz portion of an already tiresome bathroom break of a jam. Rose, the magnificent bastard, keeps singing the throughout the trip, all flailing like a dad at the water park. On one knee, he gets a mic in front of his face in time for a Beavis-style “Ay, ay, ay-ay-ay.” Then he waves off his helpful guitarist while trying not to scream “Get the fuck away from me!” (The hand gesture goes right into your everyday lexicon.) Then he can’t get up cuz he’s “still sliding.” Bahahahaa. You’re in the jungle, Axl!!!
Happy Friday! Your turn :)