Ten Musicians Who Should Be Suspended
As most of you have probably heard, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has been suspended for four games for his involvement in the recent “Deflategate” scandal, and his team was fined $1 million. Many football fans have come out arguing that this ruling is unfair — Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger got a similar punishment for his second sexual assault — and that Brady’s suspension is a symbolic way for the NFL to show that they are, in fact, stern overlords.
So this got us thinking: there are some musicians out there who definitely deserve to be suspended from metal for their crimes. Whether they’re taken out for lying, doing wrong by their fans, or being a complete asshat, the following musicians should be given mandatory time off for their involvment in some of metal’s lower moments (just don’t call it “Metalgate” — that’s its own stupid display of macho horror).
Let us know if we missed anyone in the comments section.
Much like Sith Lord Bill Belichick stealing other team’s plays, so did this crew of hard rock dickfaces steal Rob Scallon’s Internet hits by ripping and re-uploading his “OOOO” video. The difference between the two being that Belichick apologized for his actions, while Trapt raged against it like the tadpoles they are.
Suspension: Indefinite, for everyone’s sake (though the band’s current career suggests this has already been put in place).
Thong! No, kidding, calm down. The real reason for Ulrich’s suspension would be sound tampering. It’s always easy to blame someone lower down than you in the organization, such as a mixing engineer, for example, but if we’re being honest with ourselves, it makes a lot more sense that Lars was the guy who stripped Newsted’s bass from Justice.
Suspension: Let’s say two months. This was a past infraction.
Ozzy Osbourne and Bill Ward
Oy gevalt, how many open letters and angry responses are these guys going to release? In general, I sympathize with Bill Ward in this fight, but this public rivalry has gone on long enough. These guys need to take time off of each other and the spotlight and make some music rather than either airing out dirty laundry.
Suspension: Six months. That should be long enough to record a new track or two.
Henri “Trollhorn” Sorvali
No matter what his reasoning is, Sorvali’s creation of false metal bands for H&M to shill overpriced crap to hipsters who want to seem kvlt brings disgrace to the league. There’s no way that Trollhorn’s work was actually going to start an interesting conversation about metal; instead, it just furthers the understanding of the underground as something to be commodified.
Suspension: Six months for unwarranted falseness.
Scott Weiland’s recent comments regarding his own bizarre Corpus Christi performance and his work with Art of Anarchy suggest that, like Tom Brady, he knows what’s actually going on but refuses to tell the truth, or honestly participate in the investigation.
Suspension: Three months. It should be longer, but we need stuff to write about.
We love Machine Head and are openly in awe of Robb Flynn’s ability to rebound from surgery, but dude, holy shit, think of your health! Between his recent gallbladder removal and the previous hernia, Flynn might need some time off from his extensive road dogging. In my mind, Flynn is in the back room with his coach and doctor being like, “GIVE ME THE FUCKING SHOT, COACH. I’LL REST WHEN I’M DEAD.”
Suspension: A year. I know that’s harsh, and it hurts us more than it hurts him, but it’s for his own good.
Brown seems like a good guy, but selling your filthy worn-out shoes and used robes to fans is in direct violation of the unspoken rule that shilling false “memorabilia” to eager listeners is a shitty move. Obviously, the jack-off who would buy such things isn’t much better, but still.
Suspension: One month. This is a minor infraction.
Metal is violent at its core, but we can’t have our players getting into unwarranted fights, even if they’re the ones who end up punched in the face. But let’s face it, this is a sponsorship issue at heart. Denny’s, Manson? What will the other genres think of us?
Suspension: Two months. These guys are trained to be hyper-aggressive insult machines — you can’t expect them not to get a little rowdy sometime.
Suspension: Indefinite. It would be so good for metal.