Tumbler Of The Beast: Coldcock American Herbal Whiskey
Tired of the same old well whiskey and plastic bottle brandy, but don’t want to feel like an asshole ordering some bullshit digestif like a hipster? Welcome to Tumbler Of The Beast, our guide to the most metal liquors on earth.
Liquor: Coldcock American Herbal Whiskey
Country of origin: ‘Murika
ABV: 35% (70 proof)
Musical accompaniment: Slayer, Pantera, Hatebreed, latter Death Angel
The makers of Coldcock definitely know how to market their product. Hailed as being “hangover-free” due to its reduced sugar content, and backed by a “crew” including Slayer’s Kerry King, All That Remains, Ill Nino, That Metal Show’s Don Jamieson, and metal tattoo artist Paul Booth, the people behind this liquor have touched upon a rule in which the real drinker is well-versed: everyone loves Jägermeister and Fireball, but they hate that these drinks make them feel like boiled dick the next day. Hence, Coldcock American Herbal Whiskey, which promises a less brutal morning after while still touting the whiskey tag and fist imagery to imply that it can get you fighting drunk.
All celebrity sponsors and marketing tactics aside, the flavor of Coldcock isn’t terrible, more akin to that of Southern Comfort than anything else. The ‘herbs’ used in its creation are really spices more than anything else, but they don’t have the cloying flavor of Fireball and Jager’s anise bomb. There’s definitely still some of that syrupy texture—this leaves a sticky glass—but doesn’t have the overpowering odor of the aforementioned shooters. However, the comparison to SoCo also brings up a dangerous aspect to this booze: Coldcock mixes extremely well. Let’s be honest, a Jack and Coke tastes like a lousy Coke, but a Coldcock and lemonade is an excellent porch drink. That, however, totally screws the drinker in regards to its ability to not give them a hangover. The amount of sugar in your average mixer is easily enough to make up for those grams in Coldcock replaced by ‘herbs’.
But why? Why market a sweet mixing whiskey with hardcore knock-you-out imagery? And then it hit me: there will most likely be a Coldcock booth at the Rockstar Mayhem Festival. In a flash, I went out and, at the risk of shaming my family, bought a Rockstar Energy Drink. Lo and behold, just as Jager and Red Bull have done so well together, Rockstar and Coldcock are tasty when combined. The mixture is the color of unhealthy pee, and it’s as sweet as a New Orleans hand grenade, but it goes down quickly and gets you jacked up to drink more. Maybe I’m being a total Matt Pike here, but I wonder if Coldcock was produced specifically as an alcoholic accompaniment to Rockstar Energy Drink. Its Cool Kidz Krew of sponsors would suggest so. I’ll let you know if enforcers with tribal tattoos come and take assassinate me. Or I won’t.
There’s a list of states on Coldcock’s website where the whiskey is distributed, and they also provide online wine merchants from whom you can order it (it’s a wait, but you get booze delivered to your door). The chances of you finding it at your average bar are slim, but as time goes on, it might begin popping up. Kerry King’s influence is great, and when the sweet drink-loving frat bros and bar floozies realize how great a Rockstar and Coldcock is, it’ll be everywhere. In the meantime, young boozers concerned with flavor should look into a shot of it, but real seasoned drunks need not bother.