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Friday 5: The Best Metal Grammy Switcheroo-ski

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Happy Friday, MetalSucks reader! Welcome to MetalSucks Friday 5, our awesome series that appears every Friday (duh) on MetalSucks (duhh) and involves the quantity of five (duhhh).

Here’s how it works: A list of best/worst/weirdest/whatever five somethings is posted by one of your beloved MetalSucks contributors or by one of our buds (like you!). Then you, our cherished reader, checks it out, has a chuckle, then chimes in with a list of the same. No sweat, just whatever springs to mind, k? (Just like that movie about those losers working at a Chicago record store!) After all, it’s Friday — the day dedicated by the gods to mindless, fun time-wasting. 

Here we go!

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THE FIVE

What are your nominees for the 2016 Grammy for Best Metal Performance?

THE LISTER

Anso DF, MetalSucks Senior Editor

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“Blasted” by Torche
from Restarter (Relapse)
Release date Feb 24, 2015

Imagine: You’re on the sidewalk spacing out and sipping a Jamba Juice one sunny day in December, when suddenly a harried man appears opposite you. Sensing him, you look up with eyebrows raised as if to say, Can I help you? He nods and blurts out, “Great god I am in a pickle. May I beg for your assistance, young person?” He then explains that at this moment his search for an available toilet has entered a most desperate phase. You point over his shoulder to your friend’s flower shop, where he can expect a warm welcome to their pristine facilities. He is sweating horribly.

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“Hævnen” by Myrkur
from M (Relapse)
Release date August 21, 2015

But that’s only half of his problem, for he simply doesn’t have time to attend to his need to take a hot dump and to also complete the task which he was assigned back at his office: submit the official list of 2016 Grammy nominees for Best Metal Performance. Crushing a scrap of paper into your palm and tossing you his phone, he sprints off with the instructions to “finish composing his email to the official Grammys publicity people by inputting the nominees from the crushed-up piece of paper.” You agree to help him, even as a sneaky idea begins to form in your head. Muahahaha.

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“Catch Me If You Can” by Babymetal
from Babymetal (RAL/Sony)
Release date June 16, 2015

So dude lurches across the street toward the flower shop, one hand unbuckling his belt and the other jammed between his bumcheeks. He shrieks back to you, “Don’t lose that scrap of paper — it’s the only record of the nominees!!” Looking from palm to palm, phone to paper, you now commit to a most devious plan: to help Metal by revising the list. Your goal: Make it as tough as possible for Grammy-watchers to resist Metal. But how? You ponder, “What artists are the ambassadors of metal? Which of their incredible jams has arrived between October 1 2014 and September 30 2015? Which would subvert the metal stereotypes: noisy, immature, pervert devil music for sweaty dudes? Which could surprise and tantalize random viewers of the Grammy telecast? From the perspective of a non-metal person, which artists are most interesting and worthy of pursuit? What jams would convey that Metal is not what they may think?”

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“Cirice” by Ghost
from Meliora (Loma Vista)
Release date August 21, 2015

As you delete and replace a bunch of rightfully nominated artists, you linger as you consider that one should remain after all. This artist is a good vessel to 2016 metal from the shores of lameness. Eyecatching, melodious, and high-powered. Good for Metal.

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“Superhero” by Faith No More
from Sol Invictus (Reclamation)
Release date May 19, 2015

Now of course, these are not your favorite artists that you submit. Some of those are fringe, crappy, or inexorably linked to metal stereotypes (ie. everybody has already formed an opinion about them). But then again, a bit if familiarity might serve our purpose here, as a vital oldie may be viewed as pioneering by non-metal people, and so could pique the interest of former fans of metal or casual students of metal history. This artist doesnt vibe “moribund” or “loser music.” You know just the band. And just in time, for hark! across the street the sweaty man is vigorously thanking your friend at the exit of her fancy flower shop. You smile at him as the email departs, and give a reassuring thumbs up. Color returned to his cheeks, he wants to treat you to a late sushi lunch. Oh I couldn’t possibly!!

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Your turn! Eligible releases only between October 1 2014 and September 30 2015. Have a great wknd!

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