Ask MetalGF: Crushes on Dudes in Bands, and Having Babies Affecting the Metal Lifestyle


Please send real questions to askmetalgf AT metalsucks DOT net. I’m here to help with advice on life, relationships, career… whatever! You can also follow me on Twitter.

Dear MetalGF,

There is a guy I really, really, really like in a band. Everything about him — his look, his lyrics, anything I’ve read about him — makes me thing we would be the perfect couple or at least friends. How do I pursue him without looking like a groupie or a hanger-on? I truly have feelings for him but don’t want to get lost in the crowd of other girls who fawn over him or for my genuine feelings to be misconstrued.

– More Than a Fan in Portland

I totally get this. Sometimes I see someone famous or semi-famous in Instagram or Twitter or I read an interview about them and I think to myself they should be my BEST FRIEND slash BOYFRIEND slash GIRLFRIEND slash PARTNER FOR LIFE. Do they know this is my exact sense of humor? Do they know I just had that identical thought? And then I realize that thousands of people feel the same way and I am just another fawning fan. I am not special! They are special, they are just being themselves, and they are famous and loved because they are funny and relatable. But you know what else? They are also humans looking for connection, and sometimes you find it in strange places.

This happened to me recently with a local celebrity. Her tweets SPOKE TO MY HEART. I knew we were meant to be friends. I was convinced! Finally one tweet was so directly relatable to me that I couldn’t help myself. I private messaged her about it with my thoughts… and you know what happened? We messaged for over an hour about everything! I was right: we did have something special and I was glad I made that move. We still occasionally message but we have never met in real life. Will she be my best friend? Probably not, but I am still glad I reached out and could do so again if I wanted.

I think the key here with the imbalance of fame is slowness and subtlety. You definitely do not want to come on too strong. Start with a comment or reply here and there. Wait until he notices you and realizes you are not crazy. Then one day after you feel confident in your level of acquaintance, message him privately and say something non-insane like, “I also read that book you mentioned and loved it! You should give this book a try.” Don’t start as a fan. So, for example, you wouldn’t want to say “I was at your show last night!! It was amazing and so are you!!” Act like a normal person because he is a normal person too and you’re looking to form a regular relationship with some equal footing. Slow and steady. If the connection is really there, I am confident he will see it too.

Dear Metal GF,

I’m about to have a little metalhead baby. This is my first child. How will it affect my metal lifestyle? When can I go to shows again? When can I indoctrinate my little headbanger into the metal scene? 

– Baroness Baby in Albuquerque

Hi, Baroness Baby! Mazel Tov! Metal babies, like regular babies, are adorable. The best advice I can give to start off with is this: give yourself a year.

This isn’t to say you can’t do anything for a full year, but go easy on yourself, relax and sleep when you can. There is no reason to rush your re-entrance into the regular world. It will always be there while this time with your newborn is fleeting and unique. The everlasting metal scene will still be there one year later, I promise! If there is a band you are dying to see, of course you should try to attend but don’t be hard on yourself if it feels right to just nest, rest and sleep. The first year is about both self-care and care for the baby, and you just need to take it one day at a time.

The good news is this: By two years definitely (and maybe closer to one), you will be back to your old self. In some ways, of course, life will never be exactly the same, but you will feel your identity returning — your energy, your desire to go out on the town and do things — and it will feel good. Nothing makes you appreciate going out more than having a child. Everything old is new again. I never take even a boring dinner for granted anymore, let alone seeing a band I love.

You can start with metal at home the first few days! I remember Vince playing Van Halen for our babe when he was still in the womb. Babies love music! Put on what you love, smile and dance, show you love it and the baby will love it too. Babies and kids are amazingly adaptable. They don’t yet have preferences and all they know is what you show them. So show them metal, show them kisses, show them headbanging and show them snuggles! You’ll be great, I know it.

Please send real questions to askmetalgf AT metalsucks DOT net. I’m here to help with advice on life, relationships, career… whatever! You can also follow me on Twitter.

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